


The Cooper Combination Chronicles

by DefyGravity18



Category: The Big Bang Theory (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-03-21
Updated: 2013-06-03
Packaged: 2017-12-06 00:33:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 48,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/729634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DefyGravity18/pseuds/DefyGravity18
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Sort-Of sequel/prequel to The News Article Significance! Random missing moments. Babies! Weddings! And yes, some death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**So, this is the missing moments sequel I've been talking about. This is going to jump around and will follow Sheldon and Penny from BEFORE News Article Significance to beyond. It's just a fun little scrapbook of their lives together. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it!**

* * *

Every little girl tries to envision their wedding day. We try to imagine how our dress will look, what kind of flowers we'll carry and how we'll wear our hair. We dream about this day from the second we're old enough to understand what it is. We steal the clean, white bed sheets out of the linen closet and prance around the house with them hanging off of our heads in a vague representation of a veil.

We know exactly how we want our wedding day to be…

Until we actually plan it.

So, when I was a little girl, I imagined I was going to marry one of the Backstreet Boys (which one I married was negotiable, but preferably Nick.) I decided that Nick (or A.J., Brian, Howie or Kevin…whatever) and I would get married at Disney World, and I would wear a princess gown and he would sing me a song that he wrote for me…or whoever it was that wrote the Backstreet Boys' music.

Not the point.

So, you can imagine my surprise, when not only did I  _not_  end up engaged to one of the Backstreet Boys, but instead to a man who I wasn't even sure I  _liked_  when I first met him.

I didn't have to be a rocket scientist to know that Sheldon Lee Cooper was a big bag of crazy stuffed into a pair of plaid pants and a superhero T-Shirt. But somehow, the big, goofy genius made me fall in love with his patented blend of condescension and cluelessness, and nine months of dating and a two month engagement, here we are.

The first thing my mother said when I informed her that I was engaged and that we were going to get married in two months?

"You're pregnant, aren't you?"

"Oh my God,  _no!"_  I'd cried, turning an awful shade of crimson. I love my mother, but sometimes, she's about as thick as Mrs. Wolowitz's cankles. I carefully explained that Sheldon and I had decided to have a very low key ceremony and reception, only inviting family and close friends.

So, we planned our wedding in two months. Now, for those of you wondering, I don't recommend planning a wedding in two months. Long engagements are fine. Heck, at this point, I would have eloped if I wasn't terrified that between my mother and Mrs. Cooper, that they would hunt us down.

To appease the steel fortress that is Mary Cooper, Sheldon and I agreed that we would get married in a church (even though neither of us is particularly religious. And by that, I mean, Sheldon is a screaming atheist and I don't really know what I believe). It doesn't matter to us where it happens, as long as the end result is the same.

It amazes me how in tune he and I can be one minute, in complete agreement, and then, the next, we're at each others' throats, arguing. Of course, it does help now that our relationship has evolved into a carnal nature since Shelly Bean finally discovered sex is fun. We've kind of been making up for lost time. Thank  _Jesus_  for birth control, or else my mother may not have been far off by this point.

My sister, who is recently divorced, is _terrified_  to get married again and told me she doesn't think she ever wants to "put a label" on the love she shares with Stuart. (He's the guy who runs the comic book store.) I'll put a label on that relationship right now.

Actually, I have no words for it. It's weird, it's goofy and it works for Darcy, so it works for me. After being married to the king of the morons for seventeen years, it's no wonder the poor girl is scared to death of it, even though her eighteen year old son, my nephew, keeps telling her to go for it. Since he graduated school and moved across the country to attend M.I.T., Darcy relocated from Omaha to California.

Ironically, she's working at The Cheesecake Factory, a delightful establishment that I was occupied by for eight years. Sheldon is tickled to death by this, since we go there every Tuesday night so he can get his usual O.C.D. cheeseburger brought to him by a trusted friend and future family member.

Yeah, Sheldon doesn't trust anyone with his food…or his laundry…or  _anything_ really.

I mean, he trusts  _me…_ but I get naked with him and sing to him when he's sick, so he  _has_  to love me.

And I really do love him. I mean, okay…when you first meet Sheldon, he can be a little…uh, I believe the word I'm searching for is  _arrogant._  Sheldon  _loves_  himself. He knows he's brilliant and he can't ever admit he's wrong and if he doesn't get his way, it's like living with a toddler who never grew out of the terrible twos.

Or, in this case, the terrible  _thirty-_ twos.

But then, when you get past all of that…loony…there's another side to the man whose grandmother refers to him as "MoonPie." He's sweet, thoughtful and he is the most giving person I have ever known.

He's the best friendMI ever had. (Besides my girl Amy, of course.)

My apartment is full to the brim with women. Cooper, Austen, Landry, Hofstadter, Lee and Wolowitz. The weird thing is, I think I'm the calmest of the bunch. My mother and Mary Cooper have their heads huddled together as they discuss their future grandchildren (which is a frightening thought in itself).

I'm sitting atop one of my kitchen stools clutching a cup of coffee as I take it all in silently, feeling oddly at ease. Most brides are nervous on their wedding day, but I feel peaceful, relaxing against the tile of the counter.

"Crazy lot we've saddled ourselves with, Gingersnap, aren't they?" MeeMaw asks with a devilish grin, setting a plate of eggs and bacon before me.

"They'll do," I respond, wrinkling my nose affectionately down at Sheldon's beloved grandmother. "I can't believe it's finally here," I muse, taking a sip of my coffee.

"Honey, I can't tell you how happy I am to see this day, but I never doubted it would come," she informs me, moving around the counter beside me and pulling a folded piece of paper from her jacket pocket. "I want to show you this. I think you'll appreciate it." Taking it, I unfold it carefully and begin to read the small, masculine scrawl.

_Dear MeeMaw,_

_Today I am faced with an interesting conundrum. A girl recently moved into the apartment across the hall, where Louie/Louise used to live, and I find myself confused by her. She's hardly a genius. I doubt that she's ever set foot inside a college, and she confirmed to Leonard and I that she puts stock in hokum beliefs such as astrology. But, even though I try to dismiss her as nothing but a frivolous, immature party girl, I find her utterly and completely interesting. She's an enigma I cannot solve, because I simply do not understand her. I have dedicated my life to science, yet the only thing on my mind recently is the fact that she has green eyes._

_She sang me Soft Kitty, MeeMaw._

_Her name is Penny._

_How do I stop these thoughts?_

_-Shelly_

This is mind blowing for several reasons, but mostly for the fact that it was written five years ago, when Sheldon was my skinny neighbor with no social skills. Back when I was a waitress who was picking up the broken pieces of my life and trying to find out where I belonged in the world. And I found it.

I belong right here with these six amazing people, who I love and who I could not have survived without. Especially the three tiny men and the giant Whack-A-Doodle, who I'm marrying in a few hours.

"You see?" MeeMaw grins, taking the letter back and refolding it. "I told you Shelly thinks the world of you."

"Yeah, but at the time, I didn't know you mean like  _that…_ why didn't you tell me?" I laugh, shaking my head as she puts an arm around my waist.

"Because ya wouldn't have believed me, little girl," she finishes, looking up at me and I'm kind of caught off guard for a second, choking up a little. MeeMaw frowns worriedly at my Lifetime Movie moment.

"My Gran used to call me 'little girl,'" I explain in a tight voice.

"Sounds like your Gran and I would have been good friends, eh?" She grins, squeezing my waist. "Now eat that food, before I have to force feed ya. I won't have ya walkin' down the aisle on an empty stomach." As she moves away, I laugh a little to myself and take a bite of eggs.

"Bestie," Amy says, moving beside me and leaning against the island, "I just want you to know that if you need help getting into your lingerie, I'm willing to take one for the team." I chuckle, reaching out and putting an arm around her shoulders.

"Thanks, Bestie," I tell her, "I'll keep that in mind."

"Sheldon just texted me," Amy adds, grinning, "He said Leonard is a nervous wreck. Look," she adds, holding her phone up for me to read.

_**Amy,** _

_**Please do something about Leonard. He is a nervous wreck. I should have known that someone with his disposition couldn't handle the pressures of being the Best Man.** _

"Oh,  _God,"_  I sigh, rolling my eyes. Poor Leonard.

"Don't worry," Amy assures me, "I take my Maid of Honor position very seriously. I sent Leonard a few racy photos of myself via text, so I'm sure he'll be able to calm down soon enough." I almost spit out my mouthful of eggs and bacon at this, because she spouts this stuff off with such nonchalance, that it's crazy. "Oh, don't look at me like that," she grins, "you know as well as I do that Leonard can't function at the sight of a naked woman. It will get him out of Sheldon's hair…for a few minutes anyway."

"Oh,  _God,_ " I repeat, cringing and grabbing my phone to dial my crazy fiancé, who picks up on the first ring.

"Dr. Sheldon Cooper speaking," he says and I have to bite back a string of sarcastic comments, but it  _is_  our wedding day. I should probably be nice.

"Um, yes, Dr. Cooper, I was just calling to ascertain your current state of emotional temperament and to make sure that you have consumed an appropriate amount of breakfast," I rattle off, rolling my eyes and smirking like a moron. My mother and Mary probably think I've gotten into Mrs. Wolowitz's valium or something.

"Penny?" Sheldon asks, sounding confused and making me laugh out loud.

" _Yes,_  you butt! Who the hell answers their phone,  _Dr._  Sheldon Cooper speaking?" I chortle, dropping my fork and clutching my sides.

"Hmm, yes…your relentless guffawing is rather becoming as well," Sheldon sighs dryly, but it kind of sounds like he's smiling a little.

"Oh, shut it, MoonPie," I reply, wiping at my eyes, "has Leonard calmed down?"

"Oh, that," Sheldon answers, dismissively, not even bothering to correct my calling him 'MoonPie,' "there was a slight panic when he thought he lost the wedding rings."

" _What?"_  I shriek, panicking. We had those custom engraved and they weren't exactly cheap!

"Oh, Penny, Penny, Penny," Sheldon sighs, "When will you learn to let me finish?" I  _know_  he's smiling now, even if he is trying his hardest to sound exasperated with me. He does that.

"Oh, Sheldon, Sheldon, Sheldon, when will you learn that I will go Junior Rodeo on your ass?" I fire back, my heart still pounding, "so what happened?"

"It was a moment of momentary panic I will admit, but all for naught," he explains, calm as ever (all for  _what?)_ , "Leonard had placed them into the  _inside_ pocket of his jacket."

"Oh," I breathe, sagging against the counter in sheer relief.

"Yes, he is now seeking refuge in the bathroom to calm himself down," Sheldon finishes and I wince, because I remember that Leonard is in the bathroom with naughty photos of his wife, who is currently having a full discussion with my sister about how male gorillas show dominance and how human men are similar. Darcy looks a little lost, but she seems to like Amy, so I don't need to intervene.

"Okay, well…I have to go get my hair done…I guess I'll see you in a bit."

"Very well," Sheldon agrees, and we both hang on the line for a minute. Looking around, I make sure I'm out of everyone else's earshot before speaking again.

"I love you, you know," I tell him, feeling both like a huge sap and kind of giddy too.

"I love you too, Penny. Goodbye," He tells me, hanging up. It's funny, because Sheldon always has to be technical and wordy with everything he does. (I'm not kidding. He tried explaining to my  _why_  I enjoy having oral sex done to me,  _while_ he was doing it.) But, when he says he loves me, it's  _never_  wordy or technical. He just  _says_  it. And it's nice.

I'm a pretty low maintenance bride. My dress is really pretty, but I didn't need to go through eighty other gowns to find it. It was the first dress I tried on and I fell absolutely in love with it. The bodice is off the shoulder and beaded, but the part of the dress that I love the most are the show stopping ruffles that are draped all around the skirt and the hem. It is the most beautiful dress I've ever seen.

It's really funny, because I used to love shopping when I didn't have money. Since I started working on  _Home Planet,_ and I actually make money, I don't  _want_  to spend it. So, when I found this dress for five hundred and fifty dollars, I was ecstatic. Amy was, of course, with me at the time, and we'd gone into the bridal salon on a whim. I just wanted to  _look._

Since I'm crazy and decided to get married  _two_  months after I was engaged, I had lucked out when the sales associate brought it out to show me. A bride had gotten the dress in and canceled her purchase when she realized she didn't like it. So, it had never been worn or taken in. Funny, because my horoscope that morning had read:

_Sagittarius: A stroke of luck will make your day better._

It wasn't wrong…just sayin'.

It surprises me how emotional I get at the sight of myself in a bridal gown. I'm not wearing a veil, only a couple of white flowered hair pieces that are stuck prettily into the loose waves of my long hair. My hair is nearly to my waist now, so I figure, why hide it?

Since neither Sheldon or myself are really that into big, overdone events, we opted to keep it simple and invite just family and close friends. (Which meant my parents, my brother and sister and my nephew.) Sheldon's family is a little bigger than mine, but most of them weren't going to be taking the trip. Just Mary, George Jr., MeeMaw and Missy, who is still a little skittish after her horrible engagement exploded. I know she's been in therapy, but she told me she's still not ready for anything and she certainly doesn't want to try dating for a while.

I can't really blame her. Getting your ribs broken and having bruised lungs wouldn't make me want to jump back into the dating pool. I can tell you from experience, broken ribs are no fun.

It's not until Dad comes into the back of the church, however, that this whole thing hits home. It's right after we get back from the hair salon and I just get my dress on. Thankfully, the door opens before Mom can start blubbering over me and Dad walks in, looking a little uncomfortable in a tux.

"Hey, Slugger," he grins at me, making me smile.

"Hey, Dad!" I gesture to his suit, " _Nice…_ you got somethin' going on, or you just feel like dressing up?"

"Ah," he waves his hand dismissively, "just something I had, you know, lying around." We share a snicker and he surprises me by pulling me into a hug. "Geez, Penny…I knew you were a pretty girl, but you are really  _beautiful._ " He tells me, and I'm glad he can't see my face, but I hold him tighter, making him chuckle. "Quite a grip you got there, kiddo."

"I love you, Dad," I tell him, my voice muffled in the front of his jacket.

"Love you too, Penny. I'm proud of you," he adds, patting my cheek.

"Yeah?"

"I'm  _always_  proud of you, hon. You're strong. You're not like your brother and sister…they both lost their way, but you always knew where you wanted to go. And you got yourself a good guy…even if he  _is_  a little…eccentric."

"It's okay," I laugh, nodding, "You can say it. He's crazy. But I'm crazy  _about_  him, so I guess it all works out."

"Penny, any guy who looks at you the way he does is just fine in your Dad's eyes," he replies, kissing me on the forehead. "Just one question, though?"

"Shoot," I tell him, watching him glance around the church bridal room.

"You and Sheldon…you guys aren't all into this Jesus-y stuff, are you?"

I can't help it, I burst out laughing.

" _No!"_  I choke, holding onto his shoulder and clutching my side. "This is all purely to make Sheldon's mother happy. Since it didn't matter to either of us  _where_  it happened, we figured, why not let her have this?"

"Really?" Dad asks, skeptically and I nod in defeat, biting my lip to keep from giggling.

"Sheldon is  _terrified_  of his mother."

"She is a little intimidating," Dad agrees, "Like a steel fortress of Jesus loving stubbornness."

"Penny? Wyatt?" Mom sticks her head in the room, sighing in relief at the sight of us. "It's time."

"Okay," I nod, letting her pull me into a tight, watery hug that's both kind of adorable and awkward at the same time.

"I can't believe you're getting married!" Mom sobs a little (thanks Darcy, for giving her that shot of Crown Royal.), "You're my baby, and you're getting  _married…"_

"Okay, Roberta, give the kid some breathing room," Dad says, trying to pry her off of me, "You're suffocating her."

"And I'm twenty-seven," I remind her, patting her shoulder. "Come on, let's go get me married to Dr. Whack-A-Doodle."

"Doctor Who?" Mom asks, mildly confused, making me shake my head.

"No,  _that's_ a different doctor," I reply, unable to hide my smirk.

A couple of minutes later, Dad and I are standing behind Amy, waiting to walk down the aisle of the church that looks kind of like Hallmark threw up all over it.

"Brace yourself, Slugger," Dad leans over and whispers, gently nudging me with his elbow as Amy starts down. I feel a little weird for a second, because even though I'm an actress and I'm on a T.V. show, I am not entirely comfortable with a bunch of people gaping at me like I'm a goldfish in a bowl. My mother is openly weeping into my poor brother's shoulder while Mary Cooper dabs at her own eyes. MeeMaw is just grinning.

I finally drag my eyes away from the crowd and look toward the front. And I forget about everybody else in the room, because the only thing that matters is Sheldon, who looks so amazingly good in the tuxedo he's wearing with the four button jacket and white vest and tie. But I'm not looking at any of that.

I'm looking at his eyes.

He looks frozen to the spot. I don't even know if he's breathing, but I notice Leonard subtly nudge his arm to catch his attention, making him let out a long exhale.

When Dad and I reach the front, I give him half a grin.

"Hi," I murmur quietly. He inclines his head a little, his lips twitching upward slightly.

"Hello."

"Who gives this woman in marriage?" The Pastor asks, looking straight at Dad.

"I do," Dad says, pecking me on the cheek and crossing to sit beside my mother, who has finally turned off the waterworks.

"We are gathered here today to join together Sheldon Lee and Penelope Elizabeth in the covenant of Holy Matrimony. Please join hands," he instructs us, and we turn toward each other and take hands. It's at this point I'm really glad I wore flat shoes, because we're going to be standing for a while.

"Sheldon Lee, do you take Penelope Elizabeth for your lawful, wedded wife? Will you love, honor and cherish her from this day forward, forsaking all others, keeping only unto her, for as long as you both shall live?" Sheldon almost looks like he wants to question the wording of the vows for a moment, but I shake my head in a silent plea for him to just cooperate.

"I do," he answers in a steady, strong voice. (That's when Mary Cooper lets out a loud sob, making both of us snicker a little.)

"Penelope Elizabeth," The Pastor says, turning to me now, "do you take Sheldon Lee for your lawful, wedded husband? Will you love, honor and cherish him from this day forward, forsaking all others, keeping only unto him, for as long as you both shall live?"

"I do," I nod, hating the stupid, breathy tone of my voice. Another sob, this time from Raj.

Sheldon's mother insisted on doing a reading at this point. Some Bible verse that Sheldon tried to argue with her about. It's a small price to pay to get through this day unscathed. After this, the Pastor asks for the rings, making me give Leonard a pointed look as he fumbles into his inner pocket for them, before handing them to the officiate.

"May this ring be blessed so that he who gives it and she who wears it may abide in peace, and continue in love until life's end," He says, holding up my ring and handing it to Sheldon.

"With this ring, I thee wed. Wear it as a symbol of our love and commitment," he repeats, and that's when my heart goes into overdrive. When that ring finds its place at the base of my left fourth finger, I feel something shift. Like everything is locking into place…in a good way.  _That's_ when my eyes burn a little and I have to swallow the giant lump in my throat. The Pastor holds up Sheldon's ring.

"May this ring be blessed so that she who gives it and he who wears it may abide in peace, and continue in love until life's end." He places the ring into my shaking hand and I carefully uncurl Sheldon's long fingers, slipping the ring easily on him.

"With this ring, I thee wed. Wear it as a symbol of our love and commitment," I rasp, blinking rapidly against the onslaught of unbidden tears, praying no one can see them.

Too late.

Very slowly and deliberately, Sheldon reaches out and wipes the tear trailing down my cheek with the pad of his thumb. I stop breathing for a second and manage to give him a wobbly smile before we join hands again.

"Without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, by the power vested in me by the state of California, I now pronounce Sheldon and Penelope husband and wife," He looks up at Sheldon and gives a nod of encouragement, "You may now kiss the bride."

Placing the fingertips of both hands on my cheeks, Sheldon stoops down and presses a chaste kiss against my lips, and we both kind of sag in relief that it's over.

"It is my pleasure to introduce to you, Dr. and Mrs. Cooper."

Oh  _that's_  gonna take some getting used to.

* * *

After we sign all of our paperwork, we pile into the limo with the rest of the wedding party and relax as we ride to our reception.

"Let's have a drink!" Howard announces, pulling the provided bottle of champagne from the bucket that it's chilling in.

"I don't drink," Sheldon protests, looking at me for help.

"It's okay. One drink won't hurt you, Sweetie," I assure him. "You don't have to drink the whole thing."

"Very well," he nods, as Howard quickly pours everyone a glass. "To Sheldon Cooper…the luckiest S.O.B. on the planet. Seriously, buddy… _nice_ work."

"You disgust me," I tell him, taking a swig of my champagne and sharing a look with Bernadette. "I'm telling you, we have an extra room. Our door is always open."

"Untrue," Sheldon protests, setting his untouched champagne aside and giving me a wary look, "we lock our door at night, so therefore the door is  _not_  always open, and furthermore—"

"It's an expression, MoonPie," I explain, giving him a look, but unable to hold back a grin.

"Ooh! Do the one where your babies will be smart  _and_  beautiful!" Raj adds, giggling and raising an eyebrow at a bright red Leonard.

"What's that?" I ask, meeting his dark eyes. He shakes his head vigorously.

" _Nothing,"_  he assures me, glaring at slightly buzzed Raj.

"On the contrary," Sheldon scoffs, "that's what Leonard said the day we met you."

"Who could blame him?" Amy cuts in, putting her arm around poor, horrified Leonard, "With her complexion and her wide hips, she is a prime embodiment of fertility."

"Yeah!" Raj interjects, laughing harder, "and then, Sheldon said, 'Not to mention _imaginary!'_ "

"Okay, that's enough…" I tell them, taking pity on poor Leonard.

The first person we see when we arrive at the hall is Zack, who is hanging out outside with Stuart and reading the sign at the door with a puzzled look on his face. (Of course, that's how Zack  _normally_ looks, so he might have just wondered how airplanes fly or something…)

Sheldon and I are the last two out of the limo, and thankfully, he helps me, because this dress is heavy! Zack approaches us when Darcy meets Stuart halfway, kissing him on the lips. Which is still weird to me for several reasons, but she's happy finally, so who am I to judge?

"Hey, Penny…I have a question," Zack begins, pointing at the sign that reads:

_Congratulations, Sheldon and Penelope!_

"You and Sheldon are married now, right?" He asks, looking between us. Glancing up at Sheldon, whose brows are furrowed together, I nod, wondering where he's going with this. "So who is 'Pee-na-lope?"

" _Pee-na-lope?"_  I ask, feeling my eyes widen in disbelief as he points to the sign.

"Congratulations, Sheldon and Pee-na-lope," he repeats again.

"That's  _me,_  honey," I explain as gently as I possibly can.

"Penny…" Sheldon moans, rubbing his temple as if he is barely suppressing the urge to make fun of poor, dumb Zack.

" _Was the starfish wearing boxer shorts? Because you might have been watching Nickelodeon."_

"Zack, that's  _Penelope,"_  I say, biting the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing, digging my fingers into Sheldon's arm to keep his hole shut.

"Well, who's Penelope?" Zack inquires, looking even more confused than before.

"Again, me," I sigh, patting his arm.

"Shelly," Missy says, coming toward us, "Momma's all riled up about y'all. Ya better get in there." I begin to pull Sheldon toward the door.

"Well, we'd better get in th—"

"Hi, Zack Johnson," he says, forgetting the whole 'Penelope' thing and turning his attention to Missy, who is quite a sight in pale yellow. Her dark hair is getting long again and she's starting to look more like her old self, though she's still fidgety.

"Missy Cooper. Sheldon's twin sister," she tells him, shying away a little..

"I thought twins were identical—" Zack begins and I drag Sheldon past them, leaving them to it.

"Penny, I consider myself a patient man—" Sheldon starts, to which I interrupt.

" _Ha!"_

"—but sometimes, I fear for that man's well being in a world with sharp objects." I snort, laughing and bury my face into the sleeve of Sheldon's jacket.

"There ya are!" Mary cries, pulling us both into a tight hug. "Rajesh, Darlin'!" She barks at Raj, who is mid-sip on what looks like some kind of fruity drink. "Go tell that nice disc jockey that they're here. Y'all were almost late for your first dance!"

"Mother, I don't see the point in—"

"And now, may I present to you, Dr. and Mrs. Sheldon Cooper!"

"No backtalk!" Mary hisses at her son, kissing him quickly, "Get your fannies in there." I smirk, following Sheldon into the dimmed room, seeing my still teary, slightly boozy mother flanked between Tim and Dad. Tim looks a little distracted, but he looks better than I've seen him look in a while. At least he shaved. I notice at least four women all eyeing him, and he looks like he could care less, staring around nonchalantly.

The song we agreed to dance to comes on and I let Sheldon lead me onto the dance floor.

"You ready to waltz me around, MoonPie?" I ask, trying to flirt with my husband. (Yeah, that's weird!)

"Penny," his voice is resigned, "You have to  _bow,_ " he reminds me for probably the hundredth time. "And don't call me—" I flash my left hand at it.

"I now legally have the right to call you whatever I want," I laugh, winking at him.

"You still have to bow," he says, which I do, because Lord knows the song is already half over by now. This time, however, is far different from the first time we waltzed, right after I moved into 4A last year. Sheldon now has no problem holding me. He doesn't even race off to find the nearest contamination shower anymore.

The rest of the night is a blur of faces and well wishes and toasts. By the end of the night, we're staggering up to our honeymoon suite at a nearby hotel, with a bag full of unopened wedding cards. Sheldon swiftly opens the door, reminding me of the night he proposed not so long ago and we stand in the open doorway, each waiting for the other to make the first move. Carefully, Sheldon sets the bag of cards inside the room and turns to me.

"What are you doing?" I ask, as he stares at me, assessing.

"I'm pondering the best approach to lift you so that I can carry you over the threshold," he replies, quickly. I put my hands up, laughing.

"Oh, no…you don't have to do that." This _is_  the same guy who threw his back out handing Howard a library book. I witnessed it. (One of the funniest things I've witnessed.)

"It's not optional, Penny," he insists, stooping down and carefully sweeping me up into his arms. To his credit, we don't fall and I hold my own weight, wrapping my arms around his neck as he moves us inside and shuts the door behind us, setting me to my feet. "What do you want to do first?" He asks, looking down at me. Filled with affection for the big Whack-A-Doodle, I lean up on my toes and press a lingering kiss to his lips, before a slow smile spreads over my face.

"Let's open the cards," I say excitedly. "See how much money we get!"

"Very pragmatic," Sheldon agrees, picking it up and locking the door behind him. "I'll let you begin… _Pee-na-lope."_

We crack up.

* * *

**Thanks for reading.**

**S**


	2. The Delivery Exigency

 

* * *

I'm a planet.

Seriously, I can barely move. My feet are swollen. My hands are swollen. My back is  _killing_  me and I'm exhausted. And I haven't even  _done_  anything today. Amy is trying her hardest to take care of me while Sheldon is at work, but there's not much either of us can do to help me.

This baby is as stubborn as his father.

Okay,  _and_  mother.

For one, he's two weeks overdue. I was kind of hoping to have him before Sheldon's birthday, which came and went four days ago. And then, I hoped that it _wouldn't_  happen during Darcy's wedding on Saturday.

It didn't.

But now it's Monday, and I'm at the end of my patience with Shane Lee Cooper, who was supposed to come into the world on April twenty-second, but that came and went. My doctor says if my water doesn't break by tomorrow, I am going to be induced.

_Two weeks overdue._

I feel like I've been pregnant for  _years_ , you know, like elephants. And poor Amy can't help much either, because Leonard had to go and knock  _her_  up back in January. So, we're both just kind of lying around on this unseasonably warm May afternoon, praying for someone to come and rub our feet. Of course, she's not due until the end of September, so she still has some control over her body…and her bodily functions.

Come on, Shane. Please?

We're all packed to go. We have been for the past four weeks thanks to Daddy Whack-A-Doodle, who has just been a joy during this endeavor. And by joy, I mean an overbearing, overprotective pain in the ass.

_God,_  I love him.

The baby's room is ready and has been since a month after we found out he was a boy. I was  _sure_  I was having a girl because I decided to be an idiot and read some pregnancy message boards that were talking about how if you crave chocolate (which I did), then it's a girl. They also said that if you were carrying higher (which I was), that it's a girl.

So, imagine my surprise when Sheldon and I waited patiently for the ultrasound tech to give us a final answer and she finally turned to us and smiled excitedly.

"Here's the baby's profile. The head, arms, legs," she'd moved her finger down, "and this is his penis."

And I'd choked on the water I was drinking at the time while Sheldon gave me a smug look.

"What did I tell you? Hogwash," He'd informed me triumphantly, making me stare daggers at him while the technician had looked between us in confusion.

"There'll be no living with him now," I muttered to her, rolling my eyes. But I wasn't really mad. Because it didn't matter whether the baby was a girl or a boy. He was a boy.

A boy who has been dubbed Mini Cooper by the brilliant mind of yours truly.

But, he's still a little stranger to me. Even though I've talked to him and seen blurry ultrasound photos of him, I don't know what color his hair is or whether he'll have green eyes or blue. I'm not sure if he'll be a super genius like his Dad or just run of the mill average like Mom.

But it doesn't matter.

Because he's me and Sheldon…he's the thing we didn't know was missing from our lives and I really can't wait to meet him. Because, if he's anything like Sheldon, I have my work cut out for me. Amy and I are napping on the couch while reruns of Maury Povich, 'Who's the Daddy?' episodes appropriately play in the background. Flash is curled around the mountain that is my middle. It's really kind of interesting, because it's almost like my cat can  _tell_  there's something in there and he always wants to be  _near_  it. I'm woken by the sound of a text on my phone. It is, of course, my neurotic husband, checking on me for the hundredth time today.

_**How are you feeling? Have you noticed any changes?** _

Sighing, I roll my eyes and text him back.

_**Still no baby.** _

"Don't eat my eyes!" Amy jolts awake, eyes wide as she clutches her stomach, breathing heavily.

"Bad dream, Ames?" I ask weakly, trying unsuccessfully to sit up and jostling my slumbering cat, who gives me a dirty look.

"Alien abduction," she shudders, rubbing the small, cute bump of her little growing Hofstadter.

"Ugh," I groan, understanding, "I had one last week where I was being chased by a talking dinosaur that sounded like Spock."

"Do you need anything?" Amy asks, getting up and moving tiredly toward the kitchen. "Water?"

"Yeah, some water would be good," I agree, jumping at the sound of my phone going off again.

_**Should I come home?** _

This makes me smile, because I never thought I'd see the day when Sheldon Cooper was willing to break routine and ditch work to come keep an eye on his enormous wife. It's also amusing, because Sheldon no longer has to rely on a ride to work from Leonard since he manned up got his license back in September.

_**Unless you're gonna come home and have sex with me to jump start labor…no.** _

Setting the phone aside, I accept the glass of water from Amy, who sinks back into the seat beside me. As I start to drink, I'm accosted by a flurry of movement from inside my body and I sigh tiredly, patting my belly.

"I know kid," I groan, "you're out of room. So, come  _out."_

"Is the baby moving a lot today?" Amy asks, and I nod.

"I think he's set up camp in there," I admit, "You know, T.V., video games, laptop…the usual."

"Even nine months pregnant and miserable, you manage to charm me with your undeniable wit," Amy tells me, yawning.

"I try," I mutter, resting my head against the back of the couch and groaning at the all too familiar pang in my bladder. "I have to pee… _again._ "

Dutifully, Amy stands and holds her hands out for me to take, dragging me to my feet and placing her hand at the small of my back. That's when I feel it.

The gush.

"Aw, shit," I huff, "I wet myself."

"Um, Bestie, I don't think you wet yourself…your water just broke," Amy informs me with wide eyes.

"My water…?" I begin, trailing off and looking down. "You mean, I'm…it's time?"

"I'd say it's  _past_  time," Amy grins, "Stay here. I'll get your bag. You should probably text, Sheldon."

Uh oh…

Grabbing my phone, I stand on trembling legs as my fingers shakily move over the touch screen of my phone.

_**Spoke too soon. It's time. He's coming.** _

It isn't even thirty seconds before my phone is ringing and I don't have to look at the Caller I.D. to know who it is.

"Hello?" I answer pleasantly, grinning at the thought of MoonPie's stricken face.

"Penny? Are you okay?" Sheldon gasps, sounding a little harried.

"Well, my pants are pretty soaked, but other than that, I'm fine. I'm not in any pain or anything," I answer, feeling the baby move agitatedly. "He's just  _ready,_ " I tell him, rubbing my middle to try and soothe Mini Cooper.

"I am leaving right now, Penny," Sheldon tells me, and I can tell he's walking as he talks, "I will pick you up in precisely eight minutes."

"Okay, but honey, we haven't even—" But I'm too late. He's already hung up and is probably hurdling over the speed bumps on Euclid like the kook he is. Amy returns with my bag in hand, calmly ushering me toward the bedroom so we can change my underwear and pants before leaving. I decide against panties and just throw on a pair of old sweats, letting Amy help me toward the door. True to his word, Sheldon busts into the apartment out of breath and looking a lot like he just ran up four flights of stairs  _despite_  the fact that the elevator has been functional for six months.

"Take it easy, Cowboy," Amy quips, eyeing him warily, "She hasn't even had a contract—"

"Argh!" I cry out, feeling a sharp, shooting pain from my lower back all the way to my gut.

"You were saying? Time that," Sheldon snaps at Amy, before the two of them flank me, guiding me to the elevator.

"Was Dr. Gablehauser okay with you leaving?" I ask, gripping Sheldon's sleeve as we wait for the damn elevator.

"Oh, to hell with Dr. Gablehauser!" Sheldon scoffs, "After flaunting that hateful shrew of a wife and their sour faced son, I could care less—"

"Sheldon!" I cry, smacking him even though it makes me laugh a little, which kind of hurts. The elevator  _finally_ arrives, opening with the urgency of a turtle and I'm practically hauled inside it.

"You know," I say on the way down, "I can walk. The baby probably won't come for a while…"

"Penny, I am well aware of the things that can occur during childbirth. I read every book we purchased, and, as I possess an eidetic memory, I am well equipped—"

"Sheldon!" I cut him off, making him look at me worriedly.

"What is it? Another contraction?"

"Shut your  _hole,"_ I growl at him, "You're making me as nervous as a whore in church."

"Good one, Bestie," Amy laughs, sobering when Sheldon glares at her.

"Don't encourage her," he scolds, making me roll my eyes as the doors open again and I'm urged through them and out the door, where Sheldon left our BMW S.U.V.

We reach the hospital in four and a half minutes, which is quite impressive for someone who, a year ago, didn't drive. My next contraction hits just as we reach the Maternity Ward.

"Twelve minutes," Amy notes, checking her phone for the time.

"You guys,  _relax,_ " I tell them, calmly filling out the paperwork provided to get into a room, "You know, these things take a while. Sheldon, you could probably even go back to w—"

"Woman, are you  _mad?_ " Sheldon cries, giving me an incredulous look with wild blue eyes. His hair is slightly messy from absently running his hand through it and he's a little pale. I have to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from grinning as we're shown into the room and the nurse, whose name is Althea, guides me into a gown.

"You should get comfortable, sweetheart," she tells me, patting my knee when I settle onto the bed. "Once we figure out how dilated you are, you can read a book, take a walk around the floor…some women even like to take a shower—"

"Penny," Sheldon interjects, tapping my shoulder impatiently and making me muster every ounce of calm I possess to look up at him.

"Yes,  _dear?_ "

"I don't believe this hospital knows what they're doing. I think we should—"

"Maybe a Valium for the Daddy?" The nurse replies dryly, eyeing Sheldon and shaking her head.

" _No_  Valium," I insist, meeting Amy's eyes. Sheldon on Valium is a horrifying thing and I kind of need him coherent for this. You know, not running around the Maternity Ward in his Flash costume or worse, his Flash  _underwear._

"Your Doctor should be in shortly. Luckily, she was in the hospital today," Althea tells us, giving Sheldon one more baleful glance, before leaving the room. I immediately turn to my kook-bag of a husband and grab him by his collar.

"Alright, MoonPie, you listen to  _me,_ " I tell him in a low, menacing voice, "You need to  _pull it together._  I'm about to be in a lot of pain here, buddy, and I need you on your A-Game.  _Capisce?"_

"Well, I need to go find the little girls' room," Amy sighs, standing, "the fruit of my loins has apparently decided to use my bladder as a bouncy castle."

"Go ahead, Swee— _Jesus!_ " I cry, feeling another contraction as Amy leaves the room.

"That's ten minutes!" I hear her call from the hallway as Sheldon begins to pace, driving me crazy.

"Sit  _down!"_  I hiss at him. Without a word, he sinks into the chair beside my bed and begins drumming his fingers on the armrest. "Sheldon…" I growl through clenched teeth, glaring at him. With a huff, he crosses his arms and looks out the window, but I can tell by the muscle ticking in his jaw that he is  _freaking_  out. Reaching for my purse, I fish through until I find my cell phone at the bottom and pull it out.

"What are you doing?" Dr. Whack-A-Doodle asks testily as I pull up my contacts.

"I'm calling my parents. You should probably call your mother," I reply, putting the phone to my ear and trying to get comfortable as Shane decides to flail around again. " _Jesus,_  kiddo," I mutter, hearing the phone ring for a couple moments, before Dad's jolly voice answers.

"Hey, Slugger! What's shakin'?"

"Hey Dad," I laugh, despite myself. "I'm calling to let you know that your grandson is on his way. Stubborn little brat waited two weeks!"

"Aw,  _man!_ " Dad complains, "Two days ago and we would have been there to see him! Okay, let me tell your mom."

"Tell me what?" I hear my mother's expectant voice on the other end.

"Penny's having the baby."

" _What?"_ Mom squeals, and I can hear a crackling as she rips the phone from Dad's hand, "Penelope, this is your mother."

"Yes, Mom, I'm aware," I snort, brushing my hair off of my forehead.

"So, the baby's coming?" She implores, ignoring my sarcasm.

"Yeah…water broke and the contractions are ten minutes apart now," I inform her.

"Well, we'll try to get back out there this week some time," Mom tells me, "Send me a picture of him as  _soon_  as you can. I don't want my first glimpse of my grandbaby to be on Facebook."

"Mom, you don't even  _have_  a Facebook," I remind her, rolling my eyes as the doctor comes into the room. "Okay, I have to go. I'll call you when something happens." Hanging up, I set the phone aside and look over at Sheldon, who is quietly talking on the phone.

"Yes, Mother," he's sighing, "I'm  _sure_  he'll be as pretty as the baby Jesus." He looks at me and mouths  _'Good God.'_  "Listen, Mom, Penny's doctor is in here. I need to go. Yes, I'll give her your love and we'll see you soon." He hangs up, pocketing the phone and sighing, "Good grief."

"Give her a break, Sheldon," I scold him, trying to hold back a chuckle, "it's her first grandchild. She's probably thanking the Lord that he wasn't made in a lab."

"Hi, Penny," Dr. Carlyle tells me, reaching out to shake my hand, "Looks like Baby Cooper finally decided to make his appearance, eh?"

"Bout time," I agree, patting the towering mound of my middle. "I'm half expecting a teenager to come out of there."

"Oh,  _Penny,_ " Sheldon grumbles, rubbing his temples. Poor whacko looks a little worse for wear. Maybe I should let him have a Valium…or some Mountain Dew.

Scratch that. Sheldon on Mountain Dew would be not good.

"Okay, let's see where you are," Dr. Carlyle tells me, checking the baby's heart rate before moving my knees apart and reaching on up into my lady parts. "Three centimeters." She tells me, removing her gloves and throwing them away. "Still a way to go. Just relax." Amy returns, passing her on the way in and saying a quick hello. (We have the same doctor.)

"Any more progress?"

"Three centimeters," he responds tiredly, looking beyond terrified. It almost makes me feel bad for him.

"She's just in here, Dr. Hofstadter," a voice comes from the hall, and a moment later, Leonard crosses into the room, to Amy.

"That was fast," Amy exclaims, looking up as he gives her a quick kiss on the lips before turning to me.

"Yeah, I noticed Sheldon was gone, so I told Dr. Gablehauser I had to come pick Amy up. Raj and Howard said to keep them updated. They have a double date tonight," he fires off, looking pretty nervous himself. This is like a practice run for him.

"Please don't tell me they're going to that damn roller disco," I mutter, rolling my eyes.

"No," Leonard replies, "They're going to Xanadu in Hollywood."

"Seriously?" I ask, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, Raj was talking about it and—" I interrupt him with a sharp laugh, snorting.

"That's a  _gay_  club! Of  _course_ Raj would want to go there!" I continue to giggle, "The entire place looks like an ad for Pepto—" I'm cut off by another sharp pain, falling silent as I ride it out.

"Ten." Amy tells Sheldon, pulling Leonard down into the seat beside her.

"Come on, Sheldon, why don't you and I go get a—" Leonard stops talking at Sheldon's adamant shake of head.

"I'm not leaving this room, Leonard," he insists.

" _Sheldon,_ " I implore him, "It's going to be a  _while…_ you should get something to eat."

Somehow, Leonard coaxes Sheldon out of the room long enough for me to regain my sanity and I lay back in the bed, feeling a little tired. Walking around with thirty extra pounds on your body is no picnic, believe you me! Plus, I'm pretty sure I'll enjoy this kid a lot more from the outside…until he starts to talk anyway. Or until he starts building Death Rays in his bedroom.

This makes me realize that pretty soon, we're all going to have to leave the Los Robles Apartments. Leonard and Amy only have  _one_  bedroom. Amy is pregnant. Sheldon and I have room for Shane, but I think down the road we'll want at least one more Mini Cooper.

This is kind of bittersweet, because ending up in that building was the best thing that ever happened to me. I got away from my ex. I found the best friends on the planet. I had the most  _fun_  I'd ever had. And I fell in love there. I don't  _want_  to leave, but I know in my heart that Los Robles is just a stepping stone to better things. Not to mention, now that I'm actually an actress with mild success and a hit T.V. show, it doesn't seem right to be living in an apartment when we could easily afford a house…with a yard for Shane and his best buddy, the future Hofstadter offspring, to play in.

"Penny!" Amy cries, seeing my obvious distress as I burst into hormonal tears. She leaps across the room and stands beside me, grabbing my hand. "What's wrong?"

"I don't want you guys to move!" I wail, knowing I sound like a giant loon.

"What? Where in the world…?"

"You're having a baby…and…and…you only have one bedroom, and I  _like_  having you guys across the hall and the baby's gonna need its own room, and—"

"Penny, Leonard and I have discussed this," Amy assures me soberly, "We're going to wait until the baby is a little bigger before we think about moving into a house. The crib is going to be in our bedroom and, quite frankly, I'd rather the baby be nearby for a while anyway."

"Really?" I sob, hating how I sound like a blubbering idiot.

"Yes," she answers, "Although I can't deny that your distress over my possible leaving is very flattering." I laugh through my tears.

"Of  _course,_  I would be upset," I tell her, "You're my best— _shit!"_  I squeak, closing my eyes at a slightly more intense contraction and tense up.

"Nine," Amy says, just as Dumb and Dumber re-enter the room, arguing about something to do with the vending machine eating Sheldon's dollar.

"Regardless," Sheldon is saying, "I intend to draft a strongly worded letter to the company that—" He stops, seeing my face red and tear streaked before glowering at Amy. "What have you done?"

" _Nothing,_ " I insist, smacking at his arm. "We were having girl talk."

"Oh  _God,_ " Sheldon grumbles.

A little while later, after a small dinner, I fall asleep, only waking when I feel contractions which are still nine to ten minutes apart. Leonard and Amy head into the waiting room so Amy can relax and take a nap herself. A little while after dark, the contractions start coming around six minutes apart and I'm five centimeters dilated, so I decide to take a walk, gripping Sheldon's arm whenever a pain hits.

You know how you see movies and T.V. shows and the baby is always shooting out and they  _have_  to get to the hospital? Yeah, apparently, this kid didn't get the memo. It's nine at night by the time we get back into the hospital room and the contractions start to hurt like a  _bitch._

That's when I get the epidural. A beautiful invention that is delivered in a horrifying needle that looks a little like a goddamn fishing rod. Seriously, I hate needles on a _good_ day, but this thing is grotesque. Sheldon loses color and I notice his eyes roll into his head a little, before he regains control of himself. When they finish, I lie on my side, holding a pillow and wait for the effects to help me. My back is killing me and it's making my eyes burn with frustration because I'm so  _tired_.

A second later, I feel something on my lower back and realize that it's Sheldon's fingers, kneading the sore muscles at the base of my spine while I almost sob in relief. I'm ready for this baby to just come _out._

"Thanks," I tell him in a small voice, feeling like a whiny child, but uncaring because he's being so sweet to me. It's times like these that I remember why I love him so much.

"Penny," he sighs, caressing a little higher and massaging there, "As I am equally responsible for you being  _in_  this situation, it's only logical that I should attempt to relieve your pain." I snort, laughing a little and feeling a tiny bit better.

"You're quoting Spock," I tell him, swallowing as another intense contraction hits. This is the last contraction that hurts, because the medicine kicks in and I'm suddenly feeling good to go, drinking a little water.

Just before ten, another person comes into the room and my jaw drops in shock when I see Mary Cooper swoop into the room with an air of authority.

"Mom!" Sheldon says, just as surprised as I am. She kisses his cheek, before turning to me.

"What? You didn't think I'd miss the birth of my grandbaby, did ya?" She asks, kissing me and patting my belly. "How ya feelin', Sunshine?"

"Better now that I got me some drugs," I laugh, squeezing her hand while Sheldon groans.

"Your grammar, as always, is delightful," He mutters.

"I do that for you," I assure him, winking at his mother. "Is MeeMaw here?"

"No, she'll be along in a day or so with George. I took the first flight available. Had to buy first class—"

"Mom!" Sheldon protests, "There was no need for you to—"

"There was  _every_ need!" Mary insists, "That kid in there is the first baby in the family since  _you_  and Missy. Which reminds me, I have to get a hold of her. Have you spoken to her?"

"She's going to come in the morning. She has the day off," Sheldon replies quickly.

"Hopefully that little Button is here by then," Mary tells us, "When I was in labor with George, it took fifteen hours."

"Oh,  _kill_  me!" I sigh, putting my arm over my eyes and feeling the pressure of a long contraction, sighing in relief that it doesn't hurt.

"Well, I'll just be in the waiting room. I'll chat with Leonard. Are Howard and the little brown boy here too?"

"No, they're on a double date at a gay bar," I snicker, flashing Sheldon a mischievous grin as Mary stares at me, probably wondering if she heard right.

"Who's date is who?" She asks in a low voice, making me crack up. This is why I love Sheldon's mother. Even though she's a slightly off balance Bible Thumper, she has a wicked sense of humor and she doesn't take crap from her overbearing nut of a son, who still looks like he might pass out.

When the doctor returns a few minutes following Mary leaving the room, she checks me again and nods.

"You're fully dilated. Are you feeling any pressure in your bottom?" She asks, feeling my stomach, and I shift a little, realizing that I do indeed feel pressure down there.

"Yeah…they're coming pretty fast now," I nod, feeling another almost instantly.

"It's time for you to push," Dr. Carlyle informs me, motioning for the nurse to get things ready. "Daddy," she addresses Sheldon, who stares at her, unseeing, "Why don't you hold Mommy's hand?"

"Penny," he says, leaning down and speaking in a quiet voice, "Why is your gynecologist addressing me as 'Daddy,' when I am clearly not her father?"

"Sheldon, shut up and hold my hand," I roll my eyes as a nurse holds one of my legs for me and guides Sheldon to do the same thing.

"Now," Dr. Carlyle instructs calmly, "Penny, I'm going to need you to bear down and push into your bottom like you're going number two. Count to ten, take a breath and do it again, okay?" My heart is racing with my shot nerves, but I nod, swallowing and gripping my knees as I do what I'm told, listening to the nurse holding my leg count to ten.

Slowest damn ten seconds of my life.

"Good girl," Dr. Carlyle says, "And, again!"

After about five of these, I gasp and fall back against the pillows in frustration, feeling like I haven't made any progress.

"Penny," Sheldon begins, urging me up again, "It will do no good to give up."

"Oh  _shut up_ ," I hiss, glaring up at him, "This is  _your_  fault!" (Here come the psycho labor comments. The beauty of this moment cannot be measured…sarcasm.) "You just  _had_ to go and get all excited about the damn Higgs Boson—"

"Don't blame this on the Higgs Boson Particle. And, as I recall, you weren't complaining in July," he protests, as the doctor cuts in.

"Focus! Penny, again!" Dr. Carlyle cries, smirking a little to herself as I bear down again, holding my breath and squeezing my eyes closed. I'm not sure how much time has passed when I finally hear Dr. Carlyle. "He's crowning! You're very close."

"I better be!" I grind out, wiping futilely at my sweaty forehead and looking up at Sheldon, who is sweating like he's the one pushing a freaking baby out of his downstairs. Grunting, I squeeze Sheldon's hand, definitely feeling the change down there as I continue to push.

Come  _on,_ Shane!

" _Good_  girl, Penny!" Dr. Carlyle nods, "A couple more…you're doing so good!"

" _Well,"_  Sheldon corrects her under his breath, falling silent at my glare of disbelief.

"Push!" My doctor demands, and I take in a huge breath and grip Sheldon's hand so hard, that I'm pretty sure my nails are on the verge of breaking the skin. "Good! Good! Keep going!"

"Ugh!" I rasp, feeling tears squeeze out of the corners of my eyes because I'm pushing so hard. A second later, I feel instant relief and the pressure is gone, making me blink in confusion. "Did it happen?" I ask, craning to see as I collapse back against the pillow.

"Yes, it happened," Dr. Carlyle says as the nurse leaves my side and they do something I can't see before she sets the squirming, fussing bundle atop my stomach. Instinctively, I bring my shaking hands to either side and grasp the tiny, naked body.

Shane.

He has the  _exact_  same hair as Sheldon, which would be amusing to me if I wasn't so damn smitten with him. It's when he opens his eyes and looks up at me, that I can't help it and I laugh. He looks just as tired as I feel.

You think  _you're_  tired, buddy…you don't even  _know._

"Hey, Stranger," I murmur to him, feeling my eyes burn a little as I watch him blink at me in mild confusion, like he's trying to figure out what the hell is going on here…and probably, why it's so  _bright._  Or maybe, why his Daddy looks like he might hit the floor at any second. Seriously, Sheldon has gone completely silent, standing straight up with his hands at his side. His face has lost pretty much all of the color it had (which wasn't much. Sickly is the new sexy, remember?)

"Dr. Cooper, do you want to cut the cord?" Dr. Carlyle asks, looking at Sheldon, who doesn't respond. Sighing, I smack his arm, startling him as he staggers forward, following her instruction. A couple of minutes later, Shane Lee Cooper is cleaned and wrapped and given back to me. He's  _wide_  awake, looking around the room, but he's not crying. Even though he's still so new and newborns kind of all look the same, it's already pretty clear that he's going to look exactly like his Whack-A-Doodle Daddy.

I was right. I  _do_  like him better on the outside.

"Hey, you want a turn, MoonPie?" I tease, looking up at Sheldon, who is still silent and slightly terrified.

"A turn?" He finally answers, furrowing his brows…not unlike the expression his son is making at the moment.

"Do you want to hold your son?" I ask, taking a little pity on the poor bastard, who sinks to sit beside me on the bed. "Here," I say, kissing the baby's cheek before carefully placing the baby into Sheldon's waiting arms, guiding him to support Shane's head.

"Fascinating," he murmurs, swallowing hard. Leaning my head tiredly against Sheldon's shoulder, we both look down into the face of our baby and when I glance at Sheldon, I notice his mouth quirked upward slightly. Reaching around him, I smooth Shane's swirl of baby soft, dark hair and bite my lip. I never thought I'd see the day Sheldon Cooper would be someone's  _father,_  and I most certainly never imagined that  _I_  would be the mother. But, here we are. We're not Sheldon and Penny anymore…or  _Shenny_ as Howard dubbed us so long ago. We're Sheldon, Penny and Shane.

We're the Coopers.

Adjusting slightly, Sheldon's arm moves around me, settling over my shoulders, and a second later I can feel his lips at my sweaty temple, which is covered in matted blonde hair. I probably look like hell, but I don't care. I'm tired, but I'll sleep later. Right now, I just want to keep staring at Shane. The baby yawns, revealing shiny pink gums and closing his eyes, making me grin. I'm not the only one smiling, and when I look back up at my husband, he's still staring down at his son.

"Fascinating," he repeats.

* * *

**Next up, Disneyland circa Season 3: The Spaghetti Catalyst. :)**


	3. The Affinity Intimation

 

* * *

When did my life fall apart? I left Nebraska to make something of myself and, after seven years of struggling to get by, I've gone  _nowhere._  I'm not an actress, I'm a joke. And the worst part? I finally found a guy who treated me right and what do I do? I  _dump_  him!

Like a damn idiot.

But maybe that's what I am. I dropped out of college. I owe more than I get paid, and half the time, I can't even make my rent. What, is there some kind of switch in my brain that only allows me to make shitty decisions?

The only one of the guys who will talk to me since I broke it off with Leonard at the bowling alley, is Sheldon…and we all know how delightful he is. But, I'm so damn lonely, I'll take what I can get. I'm tired of stared at my Hello Kitty plushy with swollen eyes and wondering when things are going to get better.

I think about moving home sometimes. But what good would that do? No one _there_  wants me either. My mother and I have never had what I would call a close relationship. My sister is married to the King of the Rednecks. My father is so busy with his farm work that he wouldn't know the difference between me and a damn goat. And finally, my older brother Tim is a little busy making meth in my parents' garage. I might as well just go shack up with Buford, the old hippie who lives in his van behind our apartment building.

So, I guess I'll have to settle for Dr. Whack-A-Doodle, the biggest weirdo I've ever met. This is the guy who claims to be the smartest person on the planet, yet still needs to be sung a song called Soft Kitty when he's ill. And sometimes, he is like crazy, super smart (crazy being the key word), but then sometimes, I look at him and all I can see is a guy who never got to be a kid. And that's kind of sad when you think about it.

Then again, what do I know? I dropped out of community college after one semester.

Whatever he's got going on in that nutty ass brain of his can't be too bad. He's doing better than I am…although, that's not saying much. I've pretty much hit rock bottom. I can't even afford to take off work to go to auditions anymore. The highlight of my week was eating spaghetti that had hot dogs cut up into it with Sheldon.

I think he's trying to hide the fact that he's hanging out with me. I'm sure the guys would be giving him hell if they knew since his roommate and best friend is kind of my ex. You know, the one I dumped? (Because I'm a moron.) Yeah, so basically Sheldon is kind of in a sticky situation…not literally of course (Sheldon would probably die if he was sticky. Or at least drown himself in a gallon of Lysol.)

Poor kook.

But, it's that whole, 'Bros before hoes' thing. Which I'm sure Howard has delightfully brought up because he is such a classy guy and is not creepy in the least. (Infinite Sarcasm)

But you know what? I know in my heart I had to let Leonard go, because it wasn't _fair_  to him. He's such a great person, and he deserves someone who loves him back. And I just…don't. I mean, I  _love_ Leonard, but I'm not  _in_  love with him. Everyone always says if you love someone, you know it. And I  _know_  that I don't feel that way.

But I might have been able to if he'd given me more time!

That's the thing. Everything was moving too fast for me. Even though I know Leonard is nothing like my ex, Kurt, I don't want to end up that way again. I don't want to be  _dependent_  on a guy ever again.

The truth is, I don't know what I want.

Even though I know that Leonard could have made me happy, something was wrong. I can't put my finger on it, but there was something missing. And I feel like a failure, because I don't know what it was, but I'm pretty sure it was my fault.

It's always my fault.

Maybe, I'm just one of those people that isn't meant to find someone. Maybe, I'm _too_  screwed up.

Climbing the stairs after a grueling double shift at The Cheesecake Factory, my place of business, I fumble for my keys and manage to find the right one before my weak, exhausted hands lose their grip on them and they fall in a clatter at my feet. Resting my head against the cool wood of my door, I close my eyes, breathing deeply and try to find the will to bend down and grab them.

"Penny?" A voice comes from behind me, and I slowly turn to see Sheldon standing in his doorway, staring at me as if I've gone completely cuckoo banana crackers. He's holding a stack of mail in his hands.

"Hey," I manage to mumble wearily, watching blearily as he crosses the hall in two steps and stoops to pick up the keys, hooking one long finger into the key ring and lifting them from the ground.

"We were delivered some of your mail," he informs me, urging me aside to open my door. I notice his eye twitch as he says this and I realize he's lying. He took my mail so that he would have an excuse to come and talk to me without the other guys knowing. I know this, because Leonard used to do the same thing back when…

Well, that's over now, isn't it?

"Ah," I reply, yawning and blindly following Sheldon into my apartment. He looks around, letting out a long sigh.

"Penny," Here we go, "I cannot fathom how you manage to live in a home with clothes strewn about and old food sitting on your counter." He gestures to the box of half eaten cheesecake. "You do realize that cheesecake is a dairy product and therefore should be refrigerated—"

"Yeah, yeah…I know," I wave him off, flopping onto my couch after moving one of my bras and flinging it behind me. I hear a high yelp and turn to look.

That's when I burst out laughing.

My see through purple Victoria's Secret bra has hit Sheldon right in the face and is hanging limply over his head while he stares daggers at me in horror. He's probably never even  _seen_  a bra in real life. Well, he's seen one now. I cover my mouth, trying to hold in my laughter, but I'm unsuccessful, doubling over and burying my face in my hands. It's not even that funny, but it's the best I've felt all week.

Swiping at his head, the bra falls off, fluttering to the floor like a broken, purple butterfly just as my phone begins to ring. It's one of my friends from work, Kate. I groan, praying she's not asking me to take her shift tonight. I just got off of a double.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Penny! It's Kate!" She tells me brightly. Kate is another actress wannabe, tall and thin and perfect looking. She doesn't look too Midwest. Probably because she's from Washington. She's blonde too, but she has violet blue eyes and legs to  _die_  for.

Gorgeous bitch.

"Hey, Kate," I say, watching warily as Sheldon begins to quietly gather clothes and place them into an empty basket, muttering to himself all the while. I roll my eyes, falling back on the couch.

"Listen, a few of us are going to Disneyland on Saturday…I was just wondering if you wanted to come. I know we'd talked about it recently," she replies, and I can just picture her, standing perfectly poised and twirling a lock of her short, golden hair. I sit up, feeling a little better at the prospect of a good dose of Disney. I was a child of the eighties and nineties. I can appreciate a good Disney movie. And I've never been to Disneyland before. I'd asked Kurt to go a few times, but he was never much for sappy, cute things. If it didn't have to do with beer, naked women or sports, Kurt wanted nothing to do with it.

"I'd love to come. I've never been," I answer, biting my lip, "And I was just reading in the paper about that new water show—"

"Are you talking about the Disney California Adventure World of Color water show?" Sheldon's excited voice interrupts as he stops cleaning.

_Damn_  his Vulcan hearing.

"I…" I trail off, nodding and covering the mouthpiece, "Yeah. Some of my work friends are going to Disneyland on Saturday and I—"

"Would it be possible for me to accompany you?" Sheldon asks hopefully, his eyes lighting up like a kid on Christmas morning, "I have been waiting for an opportunity to see the water show." How the hell do I say no to that? Why does he always do this to me? It's like he knows all of my weaknesses and has this sick instinct on when to swoop in and make the kill.

"Of course," I tell him resignedly, before turning my attention back to Kate, "Yep. You can put me down for plus one."

"Oh, did you and Leonard get back—?"

"No," I stop her quickly, wincing, "I'm bringing a friend. That's all."

"Oh, okay," Kate's voice is quiet, almost embarrassed, making me feel like crap for seeming like a huge bitch. "Well, we're going to meet at the park gate at ten on Saturday morning."

"Alright," I agree, "we'll see you then." We hang up and I look at Sheldon, who is practically bouncing with unbridled, childish glee, forgetting about my sty of an apartment. "Well," I say, sighing, "Looks like you're my date Saturday."

"Date?" Sheldon looks at me, perplexed, "A date would imply that we were romantically involved, and, as you know, I have no inclination—"

"It's just an expression, Sheldon," I tell him, meeting his eyes. His brows furrow for a moment, before he frowns at me.

"You aren't well, Penny," he observes. I do not respond to this other than to lay my head against the back of my couch and stare up at the ceiling. I remember a few months before, when I dislocated my shoulder and old Sheldor here had to haul my ass out of my tub and drive me to the hospital.

"Sheldon, do you remember that night when I hurt my shoulder?" I ask tiredly, still staring at an invisible spot on my ceiling.

"Penny," he sighs in exasperation, "I have an eidetic memory. I remember the clothes I was wearing on the fourth of July on my tenth birthday. I remember what my teacher said to me on my first day of kindergarten. So, to answer your query: yes. I remember that night you hurt your shoulder." I stare at him blankly for a second, suppressing the urge to give him a tasty right hook in the mouth.

"Could have just said  _yes,_ " I grumble, rubbing my temple, "I think about that day a lot."

"Why?" Sheldon asks, sitting beside me and giving me a cautious glance.

"It was a really nice thing you did for me," I tell him, feeling a twinge of pity for him. The poor whacko doesn't know how to read people, so I'm trying to help him out. It would be so much easier if I could give him a pat on the back or a freaking high five or…well, something.

"That I paid dearly for," he reminds me, raising his eyebrows as he references his subsequent ticket and jail debacle.

"Yeah..." I swallow the sudden lump in my throat and stare at the floor, "I'm sorry about that, I just…thanks."

"Penny, you have already thanked me, and, seeing as it was some months ago, there is no need—"

"No, there is a need, Sheldon," I tell him, looking at him and meeting his eyes. He looks away uncomfortably for a moment, "I'm just…things aren't going so well for me right now, and I'm really confused and lonely, and—"

"Well, you have no one to blame but yourself," he points out. He's not being unkind. Sheldon just doesn't know how to be anything but honest. " _You_  are the one who terminated your feeble relationship with Leonard, not that it wasn't completely obvious to anyone with an ounce of sense."

"Hey!" I snap, glaring at him now, "Leonard is a good person."

"Yes, he is," Sheldon nods, agreeing with me, "But it has always been clear, especially to one as observant as me, that you and he do not suit. You have no common interests and your personalities simply are not compatible."

"That's not for you to say!" I fire at him, furious. But the thing is, I'm even more enraged that he's right. And there's nothing I can say that will best him this time. Because it's true. Leonard and I just don't work. And maybe I've always known that. Maybe, that's why I never let myself love him. But, what if I can't love anyone? What if I'm just this broken mess that will never be emotionally mature enough to really care?

Like my mother. She's spent her entire marriage resenting my father and us kids because she's too damn selfish to admit to the fact that life isn't fair and move on. And my father doesn't deserve that.

Neither does Leonard.

And I'm not going to do that to him…I'm not going to settle down with him when I know that something isn't right. Because, this is the rest of my life. And his. And there shouldn't be anything holding you apart from the person you choose to spend it with.

Oh well, I guess Sheldon and I can just grow old together and watch all of our friends find happiness. Maybe they have a singles group at a nursing home that we can join when we're eighty.

Well, at least  _I_  can join it.

I'm still not sure what Homo Novus's deal is. I've watched in wonder as girls have come onto him and he could have cared less. He's the one guy I can't understand…and I  _know_  guys. Hell, I was raised to  _be_  one.

I burst into tears, and I notice Sheldon has frozen in place, staring at me as if he doesn't know what to do.

"Oh, not you too!" He groans, sighing and slumping miserably.

"Sheldon, I just broke up with my boyfriend!" I wail, knowing I probably sound like a spoiled third grader, "I'm broke, I'm alone and worst of all, I'm a _loser!"_

"Are you in need of money?" Sheldon asks, eyeing me. He looks ready to sprint across the hall and fetch his Green Lantern doll with an ass full of bills.

" _No!"_  I sob, crying even harder now, "That's not what I  _mean!"_

"What  _do_ you mean?" Sheldon asks, sounding a little desperate and starting to stand up, inching toward the door.

"I'm a mess," I gulp, standing and holding my arms out, "who could ever love me?"

"I don't follow your meaning."

"Of  _course_  you don't!" I shriek, frustrated and horrified all at the same time, " _I_  don't even follow my meaning." I choke up a little, trying to find my voice as I wince. "I just want someone to tell me they love me and I want to  _feel_ the same way. I want that more than anything."

"I don't," Sheldon admits in a hushed voice. "Love is a nuisance and a complication. And, I don't ever want to experience it."

"That's the saddest thing I've ever heard," I gasp, pawing at my wet eyes and noting the haunted look in his eyes.

"I disagree," Sheldon tells me in a steady, pragmatic voice. "It's sensible. People who fall in love…or  _think_  that they do, they become distracted. They lose focus on the things that matter in life. I have a plan for myself, Penny. And I cannot –  _will_ not – allow anything to distract me from my goal."

And I suddenly know. He's talking about the Nobel Prize. The one he thought he'd won earlier this year when he'd returned from the Arctic. The one he'd been so devastated would not be his once he found out that his friends had duped him into believing he'd succeeded. The one that I'd had to comfort him over.

I still hadn't forgiven them all for that.

I will never forget the look on Sheldon's face when Leonard informed him that he'd been had. That the guys had rigged his results so they could come home. God, I _never_  want to see that face again.

"Sounds pretty lonely to me," I tell him miserably, folding my arms in front of my chest. Sheldon shakes his head, looking me squarely in the eyes.

"There are worse things than being alone," he informs me soberly, but says nothing else. "Have a pleasant evening, Penny." As he shuts the door behind him, I stand in the middle of my apartment for a few moments, lost. Looking back toward my kitchen, I see a bottle of wine beside the fridge and sigh.

Everything seems better after a glass of red wine.

* * *

Bright and early on Saturday, I make sure to get up and shower, practically drowning myself in coffee before I hear Sheldon knock on my door.

_Knock, knock, knock._

"Penny." Well, at least some things will never change. It makes me smile briefly.

_Knock, knock, knock._

"Penny." There's two.

_Knock, knock, knock._

"Penny."

When I open the door, I noticed Sheldon practically bouncing in excitement, wearing a blue striped shirt over a long sleeved yellow shirt.

"Good morning, Sheldon," I manage to smile at him, reaching for my purse. "You ready?"

"Oh, yes…" He nods enthusiastically, brandishing a piece of paper, "I've made a list of all of the things we have to do while we're there, starting with—"

"Oh! Let me see that!" I exclaim, holding my hand out. He willingly places it into my hand and I swiftly rip it in half, tossing the pieces behind me as he yelps. "No lists," I state firmly, "No schedules…we're going to have fun today because we  _aren't_ going to plan it out."

"But,  _Penny—"_

"Nope," I refuse, "We're gonna be late if we don't leave now." I pull the door closed behind me and lock the dead bolt.

" _Gonna_  is not a word," he grumbles at me as we begin to descend the stairs together, making me roll my eyes.

"It's going to be one of  _those_  days," I sigh, turning the corner with Sheldon close behind me. Remind me again how I got stuck on babysitting duty here? Don't they have a daycare for like, overgrown toddlers or something? I mean, there  _has_ to be a group out there somewhere who deal with other people like Sheldon.

Oh, wait…that's right! There's no one else like Sheldon out there. Well, there are other  _crazy_  people out there, that's not what I'm saying. But, there isn't another super genius germaphobic, five-year-old-trapped-in-a-grown-man's-body. At least, not that I know of. Although, there  _was_ this guy back in Nebraska who hit on me in a Chili's once and let it slip that he likes to wear adult diapers and be treated like a baby. It was really creepy and I ended up having to kind of punch him in the face a little. I was eighteen at the time, and banned from the restaurant permanently.

Ah well.

Disneyland is already packed to the brim with people when we get there. My friends are all waiting outside the gate…with their dates. And…my stomach sinks a little, because I realize it's one of  _those_  days. A bunch of couples go to an amusement park and hold hands and kiss and it's all fine and great.

Unless you just broke up with your boyfriend and you're here with your possibly asexual, socially awkward friend/sometimes enemy.

And I'm pretty sure they don't serve booze in the park. Damn it.

"Hey, Penny!" Kate says excitedly, brushing a perfect, golden lock out of her face and bending down to hug me. Her boyfriend, Jake, is equally tall and golden and impressive. The other three girls, who I work with, Jessie, Lauren and Beth are all with  _their_  boyfriends, while I'm with my…

Sheldon.

Glancing sideways up at my "date," I gulp and manage not to cringe, plastering on a smile and jabbing my thumb toward Dr. Whack-A-Doodle, who is glaring at the cutout of Goofy outside the entrance. Leonard's words from a couple days earlier ring through my mind.

_Don't let Goofy near him. He'll have nightmares and I'll have to deal with it._

"Well," I say, even though it's more like a sigh, "this is Sheldon."

"Is he your boyfriend?" Lauren asks, snickering. She knows exactly who he is. They all do. He comes into the restaurant every Tuesday night and harasses me along with the rest of the staff. But, they all know better than to say anything about any of my friends in front of me. Jason, one of the cooks, learned that the hard way, when Sheldon sent one of his burgers back once and I caught him trying to spit on the burger. I'd grabbed him by the collar and threatened that if I ever caught him pulling something like that again, I'd personally see to it that he would never be able to make babies.

"Very funny," I tell her with a glare, shaking my head as we head to the ticket booth to purchase tickets. Before I can even open my purse, Sheldon shoves in front of me, knocking me off kilter and making me stumble into an old lady, who gives me a dirty look. I mutter a quick, "Sorry," before moving back toward Sheldon to give him a piece of my mind. I stop when I hear him speak.

"Two adult tickets," he swiftly hands a couple of bills to the cashier and takes the tickets, holding one out toward me.

"Oh," I reply, taken aback, "How much do I—"

"Nothing," he answers, looking down at his feet. We're both silent for a few moments, before I gingerly take the ticket from his hand and he lurches away when our fingertips touch.

"Sorry," I grumble, "and thank you."

"You're welcome," he says and we turn toward the park gate where the tickets are being scanned.

"Picture?" One of the park attendants asks us when we're inside. I begin to shake my head, but she is pretty insistent, throwing my whacky friend and I together and holding up her camera. "Put your arms around each other!" She urges, and I open my mouth to protest, but she does the job for us, forcing Sheldon to put his arm around my shoulder.

Well, this is bizarre. I've hugged Sheldon. Once. But this is weird, because Sheldon doesn't  _touch_ people. His eyes have gone completely wide and I don't think he's breathing. In fact, I can practically see his thoughts of getting to the nearest can of Lysol or bottle of Purell ASAP.

So, after the totally not awkward photo (sarcasm), we follow the rest of our group into the first gift shop. Each couple separates, moving to look at different things. I'm left to follow my spindly buddy to where a group of kids are gathered around a display of Mickey Mouse ears.

"Penny,  _look!"_  He practically squeals, "I can get a pair of Mouse ears personalized!"

" _Wow…_ " I say, unable to hide my snicker, "You  _go_  for it!"

So we do. We wait like a half hour, and when we leave, Sheldon has not only a pair of freaking Mickey Mouse ears that say  _Sheldon_  on the front, he's also got a pair of oversized Mickey Mouse  _gloves._ Yes, that's right folks. This lucky girl gets to walk around Disneyland with a preschooler trapped in a thirty year old's body.

We finally make it to Sleeping Beauty's castle, where I make sure to get a picture. (She was always my favorite, because A. She looks a little like me, and B. Prince Phillip is kind of sexy.)

It's really funny, because a few moments later, we notice the group of Disney characters outside the castle, posing for photos with the tourists. The Little Mermaid and her prince are surrounded by a gaggle of little girls in various princess costumes, while Pluto is also roaming around and posing with kids and adults. That's when Shelly spots Mickey…and squeals like a little girl.

"Mickey!" He cries, practically shoving a five year old out of the way to get to him. I cover my eyes, internally groaning and muttering an apology to the kid's mother.

"He doesn't get out much," I explain, stepping forward.

"Penny, take a picture of us, please!" Sheldon pleads, thrusting his digital camera into my barely ready hands. I shakily hold up the camera, just putting my finger on the button when…oh  _no._

Goofy jumps into the frame beside Sheldon and puts his hand on Dr. Whack-A-Doodle's shoulder. When Sheldon looks over, he screams bloody murder and lurches away.

And that is the image that is captured on the digital camera when I look back down at it. Sheldon screaming at Goofy and clinging to Mickey Mouse like Kate Winslet clung to that door in the water in the movie  _Titanic._ (Which there was  _totally_ enough room for Leonardo DiCaprio to fit on too, but whatever.)

Obviously seeing that Dr. Cooper is kind of a nut, Mickey and Goofy split and Sheldon trudges back to me, pouting.

"What's wrong?" I ask, unable to keep myself from grinning at him. "Did Goofy ruin your day?"

"Goofy sucks," Sheldon says under his breath, making me laugh out loud and feel better than I have all week. I needed that. It's not a hug, or a reassuring word. It's the knowledge that even though things changed, some things won't. Sheldon is still my weirdo friend. I can count on him to remain the same, kooky goofball that I've known for two years. He's never going to turn the tables on me and force me to try and feel something I don't, because he's just not  _like_  that. And  _that's_  why I'm so grateful that he's with me today. I  _need_ something to be the same.

It's when we're in line for a Churro, that I notice how weird this must look to my co-workers and their boyfriends. Lauren and her boyfriend are making out like crazy, Jessie and her date have gone off on their own somewhere while Beth and her boyfriend are fighting. Kate and Jake stand with us, while we wait in a line of about twenty people. At this point, it's nearly ninety degrees outside and I'm starting to regret the zip up hoodie.

"This is kind of a mess, isn't it?" Kate says, leaning down to speak to me. "I mean, Lauren's about to get pregnant while Beth and Cory are pretty much one step down from Jerry Springer. If you think about it, us four are the two  _stable_ couples here."

"Yeah," I nod, swallowing, "Except Sheldon and I aren't even a—"

"Oh," Kate responds, looking a little embarrassed, "Sorry! I just kind of assumed…I mean, he's always in the restaurant and I know you and Leonard broke up and I always noticed—" she cuts off, shaking her head, making her gorgeous gleaming curls bounce. "You know what? It's hot and I'm hungry. I'm a little out of it!" She laughs. And I laugh, because that's what I'm supposed to do in this situation, but now I'm kind of confused. Did all of my friends think I brought Sheldon as my date?

Sheldon's never dated  _anyone._ Unless you could that crazy redheaded girl Ramona, who accused me of being in love with him. Psycho.

Sisters?

Eek. I wouldn't even wish her on Sheldon, who I am pretty sure would be the most difficult boyfriend on the planet. I pity the woman who ends up with him…assuming he even has a  _deal._  Sometimes, I wonder if he's even  _human._

By the time we get our Churros, we're starving, so both Sheldon and I wolf them down and follow the others toward Space Mountain, which I've been looking forward to, because I've never been to Disneyland.

"Look, Sheldon," I say, after a half hour of waiting in line, "Are you  _sure_  you can handle this? I mean, you just ate and Leonard said—"

"Penny," he sighs, practically rolling his eyes at me, "Leonard says any number of things that make no sense, whatsoever. As you have spent the majority of the past few months in his company, you should know that he has a tendency to be wrong."

"Sheldon," I tell him firmly, crossing my arms, "Let me put it this way…if you puke on me, I'll bitch slap you. Got it?" His eyes widen slightly and he nods, looking slightly stricken.

The ride is pretty damn awesome. It's all in the dark, with flashing lights and stars and everything. And even though we wait like an hour to get on it, I'd say it was worth all of Sheldon's complaining and the weird rumbling of my stomach…or is it Sheldon's? When we come to the end of the ride, I notice an odd smell, but I ignore it, because I am still on such an adrenaline rush, babbling excitedly to Kate as we exit.

That's when I look over and notice Dr. Whack-A-Doodle looks a little like Casper and he's breathing a little heavily. Frowning, I reach out and touch his arm, making him practically leap across the room to get away.

"Sheldon, what's wrong? What hap—" I stop, realizing he's staring at my shoes in mild horror, "—pened?" I finish, looking down and seeing my shoes covered in something brown and thick, and vaguely smelling of cinnamon and…

Barf.

Aw, shit. Sheldon puked on my shoes…just like Leonard said he would. And it pisses me off, because I  _hate_  when Leonard proves me wrong. I'm still a little pissed at him about the whole psychic thing. Sheldon protectively covers his face, looking terrified, and I suddenly remember my threat while we were in line. But I can't be mad, when he looks so worn out and sick after that.

"Is everything okay?" Kate asks, "Sweetheart, are you okay?" She asks, stepping toward Sheldon. And I suddenly feel a surge of something I don't recognize jolt down my spine. It's not fear…it's almost like  _panic._  Kate is absolutely breathtaking. She's tall. She has  _violet_  eyes. (Who the hell has violet _eyes?_ ) And she looks like she walked off of the cover of a magazine. Not to mention, she's one of the nicest people I know. Something about the gentle way she approaches Sheldon makes my gut clench in a strange pain that I am not familiar with. But, a second later, I nudge her aside and force my way in front of my terrified goof of a buddy.

"Hey, you alright?" I ask, reaching out and feeling his forehead. It's a little clammy still, but he manages to nod.

"I feel much better now that I've regurgitated," he answers, making Beth giggle.

"On my  _shoes_ …" I remind him, rolling my eyes and accepting some napkins from Kate, who grabs some off of a nearby food cart. Stooping down, I wipe them off, holding my breath, before tossing them into the trash.

"He's okay," Kate assures me, smiling at Sheldon again. I frown, feeling that twisting in my gut as I move between them and pull a bottle of water from my bag.

"I  _know,_ " I tell her through gritted teeth. And I know I'm acting like a moron, because Kate is not hitting on Sheldon. Her freaking  _boyfriend_  is standing right next to her! And who even cares if she _is_ hitting on Sheldon? Because  _I_  certainly don't! It's not like he would ever reciprocate! More than one girl has _blatantly_ tried to hook up with Shelly boy over here, and he's never even showed the  _tiniest_  bit of interest in any of them! Absently, I brush his matted brown hair off of his forehead and smooth it beneath his Mouse ears. The startled expression on his face reminds me that this is Sheldon and touching is a definite  _no, no._

Confused by my reaction to all of this, I try to keep my distance for the rest of the day, staying at least a few feet away from Sheldon at all times. It's not until we come back to the castle, that I realize my friends have kind of scattered and it's just us.

"Well, hello handsome!" A sweet, female voice comes from in front of us and I realize that Sleeping Beauty and her prince are standing opposite us. She's beaming up at Sheldon and beckons to the prince. "Would you like a picture?"

"Oh, I…"

"Sure, you do!" She reaches for my hand and pulls us in together as I manage to ask a passerby to take a picture, while Prince Phillip stands on the other side of me. In a weird way, we look oddly similar to them. Sheldon's tall with shortly cropped brown hair and my hair is hanging down my back (although it's slightly frizzed from the heat and humidity). We say a quick goodbye and then, they're gone. And we're left staring at each other with slightly sweaty faces.

The remainder of the day goes by a little more smoothly, pleasantly even. We meet back up with the others a little while later, just when it's starting to get dark and we all agree to stay for the new water show. Now, when I first hear the word "water show," I'm thinking some lame fountain work with a few lights and some music.

But this is Disney. And they don't do things in half measures. This show is no exception. The lights all go out, leaving the huge crowd of people in complete darkness for a few moments. And then, there's a flicker. And Tinkerbell appears against a wall of water. We're surrounded by hushed, awed people as we watch the spectacular lights and the stunning water effects, paired with a medley of familiar Disney music.

" _I wanna be, where the people are. I wanna see…wanna see 'em dancing…walking around on those – what doyou call 'em? – oh! Feet! Up where they walk, up where they run, up where they stay all day in the sun…wandering free, wish I could be part of that world…"_

Then, the music swells, and the water follows and it's breathtaking. Around us, the other three couples are holding hands, or have their arms around each other. It makes me realize how alone I feel. How, even though I  _know_  in my heart that I did the right thing by letting Leonard go, that it doesn't make me any less sad to be alone. I want that. Glancing over for a second, I notice Sheldon's eyes aren't on the show.

They're on me.

We meet eyes, and for the briefest of seconds there's something there…lingering between us. A flicker –  _no –_ a _spark_  of something that I can't identify…that I don't  _want_  to identify, because I'm pretty sure I imagined it. It's the music and the atmosphere, and this awful, nagging loneliness in the pit of my stomach. But it's still there, and I feel a sudden lump in my throat, because it's not  _real._ Swallowing hard, I quickly look away, back to the show and blink quickly, hugging my arms around myself.

" _I don't know when…I don't know how…but I know something's starting right now! Watch and you'll see…someday I'll be…"_

When I look over again, Sheldon is no longer looking at me. And I'm now sure I imagined the whole thing, which makes me sag in relief, sighing. Still, I can't deny the overwhelming sadness that fills me, and I realize that maybe I  _am_  broken. And I don't know how to fix myself.

"… _part of your world…"_

* * *


	4. The Ketamine Conquest

 

* * *

A little over one month from today, I will be Mrs. Sheldon Lee Cooper.

_There's_  a frightening concept. Since I'm an idiot, and decided I wanted to get married two months after getting engaged, I find myself slammed for time between dressing shopping, cake testing and today, stuffing invitations with my lovely Matron of Honor, Dr. Amy Farrah Hofstadter.

Her husband and my fiancé are holed up at the university where they work, preparing for an upcoming trip to Switzerland to work with some kind of Super Collider thing that does something I don't understand. Which provides another reason for the hurry to get hitched. I'm allowed to go with Dr. Whack-A-Doodle, because spouses are invited.

Personally, I would rather just drag Shelly Bean up to the courthouse and do it quick. No fuss, no problem. But, I'm pretty sure if I did that, Sheldon's mother (and my mother) would be on the first plane to LAX to exact their revenge over being denied a big wedding. Not to mention, if we don't include our buddy Jesus in the ceremony, Mrs. Cooper's head may explode.

Do you know what I was doing exactly a year ago?

Helping Amy make a scene when Sheldon chose video games over her Aunt's birthday party. (After she beat my ass at Quarters and got me wasted. Good times.)

Now, I live across the hall, I have a steady job (I'm contracted to  _Home Planet_  for two seasons) and I sleep in the same bed as Sheldon Cooper every night. And we have _sex._  (Well, not  _every_ night.) Yeah…things have changed. Amy's married now…to _Leonard._  And they live in my old place. And it's so amazing, because I've never seen him so happy. It always astonishes me to watch the two of them together, because it's so subtle and quiet, but it's there… _easy_. If I've learned anything over the past ten months, it's that relationships are supposed to be easy. Love isn't supposed to be an awful, complicated. When you meet the right person, everything comes together and it  _works._ And yeah, even though you do want to kill that person every now and again (or, in my case, once a day), the thought of living without them is the worst thing you could ever imagine.

And…I'm done. I just made  _myself_  gag. Sorry.

"Ow! Damn!" I curse, bringing my finger to my lips as I get my eighth paper cut of the day.

"Another paper cut, Bestie?" Amy's calm voice comes from beside me, and without even looking up from the envelope she's sealing, she hands me the tube of Neosporin that's already sitting out.

"Thanks," I mutter, taking the tube and liberally applying the goop on my thumb. That one was painful.

"With your flawless skin, you shouldn't have to risk ruining your hands," Amy tells me, gingerly picking up another and stuffing it.

"Honey," I tell her with half a grin, "these hands have seen a  _lot_ worse. Between the farm and Junior Rodeo, it's hard to believe there's  _any_ smooth skin left."

"A face carved by angels and the world worn hands of a mere mortal…you really _are_  the whole package, aren't you?" She chuckles, tossing her glossy, dark hair over her shoulder.

"You bet, Babe!" I laugh, standing to move to the fridge for some iced tea. "Are you thirs—"

I'm interrupted by the sound of a loud crash from above and freeze with my hand held out to the refrigerator. The muffled sound of Alicia's voice followed by a deep, masculine baritone seems to reverberate through my now silent apartment. Even the cat is looking up from his spot atop his tower, ears quirked back. He does  _not_  look amused.

"Well if you weren't acting like a whorey little bitch!" I hear faintly, immediately recognizing my ex-boyfriend's angry growl and cringing a little, a familiar roiling in my stomach.

"Well, that seems a little uncalled for," Amy muses, standing and moving toward me with her eyes turned upward still as we face each other, waiting for the next sound.

"That's Kurt," I tell her, "My ex."

"They're still dating?" Amy asks, incredulously, adjusting her glasses as another crashing sound comes from above, followed by Alicia's angry retort. I can't quite make out what she's saying, but it sounds like she's crying.

"It's none of your goddamn  _business_  what I do on my own time!" Kurt's voice answers, enraged. My eyes widen involuntarily as my breathing quickens and my fingers twitch to wrap around a bat that isn't there.

"Well, maybe I'm  _sick_  of being your second choice!" Alicia cries back, clearer this time. It goes silent for a second and I can almost picture the look on Kurt's face. He's staring at her with no expression really, dark eyes almost blank. You can't tell what he's thinking when he does that, but I know what he's thinking…he's about to explode.

The ensuing scream of terror confirms this, and I'm across the room in two seconds, grabbing my baseball bat while Amy reaches into her purse and pockets something. I think it's her cell phone. I don't wait to see, because I've already flung the door open and I am flying up the stairs to the next floor. I rap sharply on 5A and hear Kurt's sharp demand for Alicia to be quiet.

"Who is it?" He barks, making my blood boil with rage. I make to beat on the door with my bat, but Amy grabs my arm and shakes her head.

"You never go aggressively after a male primate displaying dominance. We learned that the hard way with Charlie the chimp," Amy tells me. "Try to get him to calm down first."

"It's Penny…I heard some noise. Is everything okay, Alicia?" I call cautiously, deciding to play to the girl rather than my massive, angry ex.

"Mind your own fucking business, Penny," Kurt warns, and I hear Alicia whimper. It sounds like he has his hand over her mouth. Okay, fuck this caution thing. Don't piss off a female primate showing dominance.

"Don't you touch her, you piece of  _shit!_ " I grip the bat.

"I have to admire your bold display of bravery, like a real life Xena, Warrior Princess," Amy tells me, "Now, let's kick some ass, Bestie." I give her a curt nod and, holding the bat, I swiftly kick the door, feeling the wood frame give a little under my carefully placed blow. Good.

"Go  _away,_ Penny," Kurt tells me, "You  _will_ regret it. This is none of your fucking business."

"Bullshit, you over muscled ape," I answer, giving another kick, "After dealing with your abusive mind games for four years, I'd say this is  _long_  overdue!"

"I will beat your  _ass_ , you little slut!" He roars, and I hear Alicia's muffled sob, giving another unsuccessful kick.

"Step aside, Bestie," Ames says from behind me. Taken aback, I whirl around and see her holding the fire axe, before jumping toward the elevator. After a couple of misguided hacks, I discard my bat and gently wrestle the axe away from her, easily breaking the lock and finally bashing the door in. I hold the axe up as a defense weapon, watching in mild horror as Kurt tosses Alicia aside like a lanky rag doll. Her tall, thin form crashes to the floor behind the couch while Amy rushes around to check on her. I only see my target, which is the six foot five tower of muscle with blazing dark eyes.

Then, the most horrifying thing happens. He smiles at me. And I'm thrown off for half a second as his giant, meaty hand wraps around the base of the axe and I lose my weapon. My eyes flit to the door, where my bat lies abandoned in the hallway, and I realize I've lost. I've made one of the most crucial mistakes in a fight…I would have been dead if this was Junior Rodeo. I lost focus. That's one thing you can never do.  _Never_  lose focus.

Backing up, I stumble over an end table, knocking over a lamp and collapsing in a heap on the ground in the corner of Alicia's living room as my attacker advances on me. Looking around, I search for something to put him off with, but there's nothing within reach. I could  _try_ to trip him, but I don't want to risk him falling forward on me with that blade. His weight alone could crush me, and I already broke enough bones over the last year!

"You lose, bitch," He grins, leering down at me and raising the axe over his head. My heart begins to thrum unnaturally fast in my chest and I think of Sheldon, who is at work and has no idea this is happening. And all I can think is, I hope I get the chance to see his face again. I don't think Kurt's going to kill me, he's not a murderer. Abusive, yes…but I don't think he's a  _killer._  But I don't really know, because he has an axe and I don't and I pissed him off to save a girl that I don't even  _like._

Real smart, Penelope.

"Amy, take Alicia and get out of here!" I scream, closing my eyes and crouching against the wall with my arms over my head, hoping it happens fast and I don't suffer. His massive shadow falls over me and I hold my breath, waiting for the blow to come. Waiting to feel the sharp, searing pain caused by the fire axe. But a second later, the shadow is gone and there's the sound of something huge crashing to the floor.

Opening one eye, I lift my head cautiously and find the crumpled heap of Kurt lying in a messy pile on the ground, unconscious. Behind the couch, Amy is holding something in her hands, standing with her arms extended out and her fingers clutched around a…trigger?

I didn't hear a gunshot, so I'm a little out of it as I stand on trembling legs, hopping around Kurt's sleeping form toward the two women.

"What…how did…?" I ask, feeling slightly like I'm walking underwater. I feel like Jell-O. My entire body has gone weak with relief and the left over adrenaline coursing through my body is making my skin tingle.

"Ketamine dart," Amy explains calmly, setting the empty gun aside. "One of these babies can take down a four hundred pound full grown gorilla." I take a moment to catch my breath, before looking at Kurt's limp body and manage a nod.

"Sounds about right," I agree, turning toward Alicia and leaving Amy to deal with King Kong. The girl is sitting on the end of her couch, looking smaller than she's ever looked. Especially considering she's a freaking Glamazon. I'm not a short girl, but this chick has me beat by at  _least_ six inches. Between her and Missy Cooper, I feel like a dwarf. I can't imagine how poor Bernadette feels. I let out a hiss, seeing Alicia's bruised cheek and fat lip, probably from when she went down and collided with her coffee table before we got here. Sighing, I move to her freezer and grab a handful of paper towel to wrap some ice in. Under the sink, I find a drawer with sandwich baggies in it and fill it with ice, before bringing it back to Alicia, pressing it gently to her temple. She stares at me through watery, red eyes.

"Why are you helping me?" She sniffs, placing her hand over the baggie. "I wouldn't have done it for you."

"Because I wouldn't wish  _that_ ," My eyes move to Kurt, who Amy is now using as her own personal sofa as she calls the cops, "on anyone. Even you," I tell her honestly, sitting beside her and shaking my head. "Alicia, I lived with him for  _four_ years."

"I didn't know…" Alicia says, accepting a tissue, "I mean, I knew you dating him, but…" She trails off, bowing her head and swallowing. "I'm..."

"Stop," I tell her, patting her shoulder, "This doesn't change anything, Alicia. You and I aren't friends. I don't like you any more than you like me…but, I would never stand idly by while he was on a rampage. He hit me once. That was it. But there were other things…he liked pinching."

"Yeah, he…he does do that," Alicia agrees, and we look over at Amy, who is hanging up with the police department, crossing her legs as she casually sits on Kurt's back.

"They're already on their way," She tells us, "Someone already called when they heard the commotion. Does she need an ambulance?"

"No," Alicia insists, "I'm okay, just…freaked out. This has never happened with him. I think he's on drugs or something…"

"He can use a night in jail," I mutter, walking over and nudging him with my toe. "Asshole."

"Alicia Covax?" A voice comes from the doorway. I turn to see a pair of cops standing there, and let out a sigh of relief.

"That's me," She says in a small voice, standing. Amy gets off Kurt's back and stands beside me as we are approached by one of the officers.

"Who are you two?"

"I'm Penny. I live down in 4A, and this is—"

"Dr. Amy Hofstadter," Ames cuts in, all business. "We heard the commotion above and came immediately. We had to break in with the fire axe from the hallway."

"What is  _that?_ " The officer asks, stooping down and picking up the tranquilizer dart.

"Ketamine dart," Amy tells him without hesitation, "I am a neurobiologist, specializing in primate behavior."

"I see…and you…shot this man in the shoulder with it?" He inquires, holding the dart in his index finger and thumb.

"Well, to be fair, I was aiming for his neck," Amy admits, removing her glasses and cleaning them nonchalantly. The cop gives her a slight look of amusement, before turning back to me.

"And he came after you?"

"Yeah," I nod, shivering a little all of a sudden, "He got the axe out of my hands and cornered me with it. If it hadn't been for Amy's dart, he probably would have…" I stop at this, holding out my arms to convey my point and bite my bottom lip.

"And, Ms. Covax said that you and this man have a history together?" He asks, scribbling on a pad of paper. I shrug, helplessly.

"Well, granted it was five years ago, but yes…we used to date. I lived with him for four years," I tell him truthfully.

"And was he…abusive or violent toward you?"

And I don't know how to answer this, because  _yes_  Kurt was abusive, but even though he never physically came at me the way he did with Alicia today, he still intimidated me daily to get his way. He slapped me once. He verbally hurt me more than anything. He used to get a kick out of pinching my ribs and my thighs to point out my "fat".

I'm  _so_  glad I left him.

"Yes," I decide, biting my suddenly trembling lower lip. A hand closes over mine, and I realize Amy's still standing with me.

"Uh oh…" I hear her murmur, and when I look down at her, she's staring at the door, where two more men have appeared. They look kind of like…

_Uh oh._

"Amy?" Leonard's voice comes from the door, and I can see his eyes fall to Kurt on the floor. Ah, it's the little stallion and his buddy the giraffe!

"Who is this?" The cop asks.

"Her husband," I explain as Leonard and Sheldon join us, both staring warily at my sleeping ex. "And my fiancé."

"Dr. Sheldon Cooper," Sheldon says, handing the police officer a business card and making me roll my eyes so hard that I'm afraid for a second that they might stay that way.

"We all live on four," I add, putting my hands in my pockets and avoiding Dr. Whack-A-Doodle's questioning glare.

"Well, we'll be in touch," the cop says, awkwardly pocketing Sheldon's card and nodding politely at us, "Thank you for your time."

"We heard there was something going on up here," Leonard says, staring between myself and Amy.

"Yes, and then we found the door to our apartment unlocked," Sheldon gives me a reprimanding look, "Really, Penny…any number of criminals or intruders could have entered into our home."

"Don't worry honey," I tell him dryly, patting his arm, "Nobody wants your Green Lantern dollies."

"Penny…" he whines, earning my death glare, which is pretty effective at shutting his ass up. "And while we're on the subject," he continues, his voice changing to sound more like a thirty-two year old rather than a toddler, "What on Earth possessed you to put yourself and Amy Farrah Fowler in danger?"

"She possesses the bold spirit of a medieval warrior queen," Amy says, winking at me, "I'd follow her into battle anywhere."

"Oh  _God,"_  Leonard mutters, shaking his head, but he looks like he's suppressing a smirk.

"I'm an adult, Sheldon," I remind him firmly, "And I am not about to stand around when I hear someone getting hurt."

"Penny, while I admire your nobility and your hearty bravery, I do not relish the thought of you being hurt by the likes of Kurt." His eyes fall to where the cops are trying to revive the overgrown mound of man on the ground.

"I brought the tranquilizer gun," Amy interjects, obviously trying to help. This only makes both men's eyebrows rise.

"You took out Kurt with a tranquilizer dart?" Leonard asks, obviously impressed, "Why didn't  _we_  think of that when we went to get Penny's T.V.?"

"Well," Sheldon answered curtly, "Firstly, we had never met Kurt, therefore we were unaware of his enormous stature and short fused temper. And, as neither of us directly work with wildlife, I don't see how we would have had access to—"

"That was a joke," Leonard informs him tiredly, rubbing his temples.

"Oh," Sheldon replies, giving a quick gaspy laugh, before turning his disapproving look back to me. I fold my arms defensively. "Returning to my original objections," he goes on, "Consider for a moment, Penny, that Amy had not been in possession of a tranquilizer gun. Kurt could have easily overpowered you, and—"

"Well, I mean, he  _did_ manage to take the axe from me, but—"

"The  _what?_ " Sheldon asks, eyes widen in mild horror.  _Shit._  "You had a – where did you – what are you  _saying?"_

"It was the fire axe," I sigh, knowing I should have kept my damn mouth shut, "We used it to break in, and—"

"And he  _got it away_ from you?" Sheldon inquires, looking slightly deranged as he runs a hand through his short, dark hair, messing it up attractively.

"He had her cornered right over there when I shot him," Amy adds, only serving to make things worse in her innocent, well-meaning way. "I'm unsure as to whether I think he would have actually struck her with it, however—"

"Amy,  _stop…_ " I plead, closing my eyes and letting out a breath.

"Let's leave these guys to their job," Leonard says, attempting to break the tension, taking Amy's hand, "Let's head back down." We all file out silently, and I walk side by side with Sheldon, though we do not take hands. I think he's still trying to process what he's just found out, but I don't know. When we reach our floor, Leonard leads Amy back toward 4B, seeing that Sheldon and I are obviously headed for war.

"But we didn't finish the invit—"

"We'll come back later, Sweetie," Leonard tells her, meeting my eyes and giving me a nod, which I return resignedly, knowing this is going to be a long evening. Shutting the door behind me, I slowly lock the dead bolt and turn to face my fiancé. I'm not sure if he's angry or scared…or both.

"Penny, how could you put yourself in danger like that?" Sheldon fires at me, not wasting a second as red flags darken his pale cheeks. "After what you'd been through last August, you're still recovering!" He reminds me, referring to my horrible car accident in which I'd broken numerous bones in my chest and my ankle, which did still bother me sometimes.

"What would  _you_  have done, Sheldon?" I challenge, putting my arms out in frustration, "Would you have liked me to stay put while Kurt abused someone else?"

" _Yes!"_  He insists, folding his arms stubbornly. "What happened between Alicia and Kurt didn't concern you. You needlessly put yourself at—"

" _I_  had a need!" I shriek at him, feeling my eyes well up with angry tears, "I had a need to never allow Kurt to hurt anyone again! After what happened with your sister last year,  _you_  should know!"

"Yes, Penny! I  _do_  know," Sheldon agrees, looking stricken, as if I've slapped him, "I saw Missy's side, and I saw you when you nearly  _died_  after a car accident. And if I ever have to see you lying in a hospital bed that way again, it may  _kill_  me! And for _what?_  A woman who has never been kind to you? Whom you don't even  _like?"_  His blue eyes are wild. Sheldon doesn't lose his cool often, but it's happened a few times since last summer. But, this is by far the most freaked I've seen him since my episode in the hospital back in August. And, as always, I'm left speechless, because it's still weird as hell to see Shelly Cooper go all normal guy on me.

Whacko.

And I turn to mush, sagging in defeat, because I know he's a  _little_  right, even if I am glad I did what I did. Closing my eyes, I feel my cheeks suddenly wet with tears and, embarrassed (I hate crying like this), I cover my eyes with my hands and try to wait it out for a second.

"Sorry…" I breathe.

"Penny…" I hear, and look up to see Sheldon standing right in front of me, holding out a tissue. "I understand  _why_ you did what you did…but, it doesn't change the fact that I can't bear the thought of you being harmed. Not after I have gone to such lengths to include you into my life and have made adjustments into my previous aversion to human contact and romantic—" I cut him off, launching myself up and wrapping my arms around his neck, catching him off balance and toppling us both to the floor as I crash my lips to his, overwhelmed by the love and gratitude and, let's be honest ladies, hearing a guy confess his undying devotion to you (sort of) does  _wonders_ for a woman's libido.

We collapse somewhere between the T.V. and the coffee table, and I am further surprised when I feel his hand cradle the back of my head, long fingers combed into the overly long blonde locks. I feel the silken pressure of his tongue part my lips, and I let out a slight whimper of pleasure, sighing into the warmth of his mouth. I can tell he's had Mountain Dew, because I can still taste the faintly sweet flavor of it in his mouth.

Reaching between us, I tug at the hem of his shirts, drawing them upward and exposing the flat plane of his subtly muscular abdomen. He pulls away from my lips only long enough to swiftly remove his shirts. I take advantage of the quick reprieve, ripping my own T-Shirt off and unclasping the front clasp of my see through purple bra, before unceremoniously tossing it aside. I notice his eyes follow it for half a second as if he wants to go pick it up off of the floor. That is, until he realizes I'm topless. A moment later, he's pressing me onto my back, ghosting his soft lips over the soft, tanned skin of my breasts. That's when I feel the wet tip of his tongue carefully moisten the peak, before he gently blows on it, making it harden.

Remember asexual Sheldon from 2007? Yeah, he's gone. Maybe it's his eidetic memory…maybe it's our brutal honesty with each other that has us so in tune with the other's needs? Don't know…don't really care. It works.

He repeats his torturous process with the other breast before moving down to trail his lips over the skin of my middle, his hands resting over the curve of my hips, and I realize exactly where he's heading right now. A place I thought I'd never get him once. I'm putty in his hands, opening my legs and yielding to his careful manipulation of my body. Sheldon smoothly unbuttons my capris and removes them, along with my underwear, laying them perfectly to the side (As opposed to Penny's 'toss it anywhere' method.), before lowering and a moment later, all I can see are his eyes and the top of his head, when I feel the swirls of his tongue over the tiny, hidden pearl lying between my legs and I arch up, letting out a long moan and settling a hand over his baby soft, dark hair.

He is relentless in the sweet agony that he is evoking within me, making me feel both wicked and vulnerable as he meticulously strokes around, but never directly touching the small bundle of nerves that has me crying out with need. The slow addition of one finger, then two, sliding into my slick opening sends me over the edge as I grip his short cropped hair in my hands, sweating as I sob out his name.

After I have ridden out the last tremors of my climax, he finally draws away and I sit up, reaching for his belt, unbuckling it with trembling fingers, before managing to unfasten his khaki pants and coax them down over his slim hips, leaving him in nothing but a pair of Superman briefs, which he is straining against. And, it makes me grin, because even though I've been with him almost a year now, and have seen him naked numerous times since, it always somewhat surprises me that I am getting naughty with Dr. MoonPie, the Man-Child in the plaid pants, who couldn't even look me in the eyes at first. The same guy who didn't truly consider me his friend until I got him a napkin signed by his idol.

Moments later, we are both fully naked, and it's my turn to be in control of this operation. Taking him by the shoulders, I rise onto my knees and brush my lips over his.

"Lay down," I whisper, guiding him by the chest to lie on the floor. He obeys, which is a change from any other time in our lives. Sheldon pretty much always listens when it comes to sex, though he has his moments. I lean down and press a trail of dry, whispery kisses along his throat, taking a moment to rub my cheek against the slightly scratchy surface of his jaw. Caressing his lips with mine, I flick my tongue over his lower lip, tasting a little of myself on him still. It makes me fill with warmth, because this is a man who is terrified of germs. At one time, just the _thought_ of doing something like this would have driven him into a Lysol shower. What a difference a few months can make. It touches me more than he'll ever know…(And I'm certainly not going to tell him. He's arrogant enough as is!)

When I trail my tongue over his navel and hear him gasp my name, involuntarily tangling his hand into my hair. Beneath me, I can feel his arousal twitch and I grin. Hitching my leg over him, I straddle his hips and lift up to guide him between my legs. When he's inside me, he takes me by surprise and sits up, changing our position slightly, so that I'm sitting in his lap with my legs around his waist.

"You've been reading the book, haven't you?" I laugh, resting my forehead against his as I wrap my arms around his neck and brush my hands through his hair.

"Penny," He sighs, thrusting up just enough to make me stop breathing for a second, "I have an eidetic memory. I memorized the book in one sitting." Another slide upward, this time a little more. We both let out a moan. Moving my hips and bracing my feet on the ground, I help him and we work together, in deliberate, excruciatingly slow movements. After a few moments of this, I feel my resolution slipping. And then, I feel his hand settle between us, brushing over my swollen flesh with the pad of his thumb, making me cry out again as my hips jerk forward. When I open my eyes, his are glowing with mischief, knowing _exactly_  what he's doing. Not bad for a guy who was a virgin just a few weeks ago.

"Sheldon,  _please…_ " I breathe, closing my eyes and letting my head fall back, feeling my hair fall down my back in soft tendrils.

"Please what?" He asks in that same infuriating tone he always uses, barely touching my aching sex.

"I need…I need…"

"I know," He tells me, pressing a kiss to my throat and moving us so that I am on my back, spread beneath him. "I know." And then, he begins to move in earnest, taking me fully and filling me completely, and I know we're both nearing the end as we cry out, clinging tightly to the slightly sweaty body of the other, murmuring words of comfort and love into each others' ears. It's the best sex I've ever had, and it's not because it's the most wild, or the most mind blowing, crazy position. It's because it's with  _him._  And, somehow, I know everything that has ever happened has led me to this…led me to this man holding me. And I've never been more sure of anything in my life.

I am in love with Sheldon Lee Cooper, Whack-A-Doodle. I'm going to be Mrs. Whack-A-Doodle soon. And, I can't  _wait._

"Sheldon," I say, lying against his side when we've finished.

"Penny," He answers, eyes closed.

"We're going to be married in a month," I tell him.

"Actually, we'll be married in thirty-six days," He corrects, making me roll my eyes.

"Of course," I chuckle, "how could I ever forget?"

"Well, you do not possess an eidetic memory as I do…nor do you have an I.Q. of—"

"Sheldon, that was sarcasm," I tell him, too blissfully satiated to care as I hook I leg over his.

"Drat, I'm four for twenty this month," He laments.

But when I look up at him, he's grinning.

Occam's Razor.


	5. The Fulfillment Compensation

 

* * *

_Heaven._

That is the only way to describe this absolutely fabulous hotel. It's our fourth night in Geneva. Ironically, this is the Valentine's trip that I was screwed out of three years ago when Sheldon and I got sick (Which he still won't let go), and now we're  _both_ here. Together. As husband and wife.

It is still weird to me to think that I am _Sheldon's_  wife, but it's been three months and we haven't killed each other, so I think that's a good sign.

I was a little worried, coming here, because I thought I would end up just sitting in a room alone every night while Sheldon salivated over that damn Large Hadron Collider, but we've actually gotten to spend time together. We attended a formal dinner given by one of Sheldon's colleagues, Dr. Caufield on our second night and we actually got to 'show off' our waltzing skills. (Only  _after_  we bowed of course.)

I actually was invited to the spa with another of the scientists' wives, Clara, who is seven months pregnant with her first child. We bonded over our mutual oddball husbands, and I realized that I wasn't alone in the world. Other people have Whack-A-Doodle hubbies too. It's a comforting thought.

Which brings us to night number four. Sheldon has been holed up with his mistress the damn Large Hadron Collider since five in the morning (It is now six at night), so I'm taking matters into my own hands and I'm going to seduce the whacko. We've been in Switzerland for four days, and, as Amy would say, 'Mama needs some sugar.' We haven't had one opportunity to get busy, which is not a big deal, but  _damn_  it! I was screwed out of one romantic Swiss trip. This one is ending in some coitus.

Sheldor doesn't know it, but Amy, Bernadette and I all had a little visit with our friend Frederick (of Hollywood), and I made a little purchase to give Sheldon a little, uh,  _motivation_ , if you will. I haven't really explored the whole naughty lingerie thing with him yet (we kind of just go for it), but I'm definitely excited to see his reaction to the "Audrina" chemise. It's a little pink and black number, complete with garters and thigh high black stockings and a  _killer_  pair of high heeled black shoes I found for sixty percent off.

It's so weird, but now that I have money to spend, I get  _more_  excited over bargains. Go figure! Plus, I have a sick fascination with shoes. I think I'm up to seventy pairs now. Drives Sheldon completely  _crazy_ (Although that doesn't take much. He's a loon).

I've also learned since marrying Sheldon, that he is  _obsessed_ with my hair. A fact which I'd never noticed, but looking back, I can definitely recall certain times when he seemed a little distracted. Like, after Howard and Bernadette's wedding when we got back to his apartment (now  _our_ apartment) and he spilled tea all over himself when I played with my hair.

Goofball.

So, with full knowledge of this now, I've gone all out and had my hair set and curled in the salon. (Might as well take advantage of the money I make.) My goal is for Sheldon's jaw to drop…along with his pants.

It's seven by the time I have everything ready. Candles and sparkling cider? Check. Strawberries? Check. Now, all that's left to do is wait for Dr. Whack-A-Doodle. So, I carefully arrange myself on the bed and wait.

And wait…

And wait…

And fall asleep waiting.

I wake up to the sound of the door crashing open and jolt up in the bed, my beautiful hair hanging limply over my shoulders. My makeup is probably smeared, making me look like a drowned hooker or something. That's when I see Sheldon Lee Cooper stumble into our suite with wide blue eyes and a shit eating grin on his face.

Penny is not pleased.

"What the  _hell_ , Sheldon?" I demand, standing up and grabbing my satin kimono, wrapping it around myself and folding my arms. Glancing at the alarm clock, I jab an accusatory finger at him. "It's  _ten!"_

"I'm aware…" Sheldon drawls, sounding _very_  Texas as he saunters toward me, making me stare at him in disbelief, narrowing my eyes. "I gotta tell you somethin'." His hands settle on my hips, pulling me closer to him as he leans in close to my face. My eyes widen in surprise.

"Have you been  _drinking?"_  I exclaim, smelling the sweet, boozy scent of champagne on his breath.

"Jus' a lil…" He grins, kissing me. I pull back, still bristling from being neglected all night and shake my head.

"Uh uh…" I tell him, "You better tell me what was  _so_  damn important that you were three hours later than you told me you would be."

"I was jus' goin' to, Darlin'," He slurs, making me gape at him in mild shock at the fact that he just called me 'Darlin' and sounded enough like his brother to freak me out, "But ya kept interruptin' me. You do that a lot, Penny."

"Okay, Tex," I say, rolling my eyes, "So, explain!"

"I did it…" Sheldon replies languidly, looking extremely proud of himself as he flops onto the bed.

"Did what?" I ask cautiously, watching him lean back on his elbows and eye me with smoldering blue eyes. It's a little unnerving, because he's  _so_  out of his element here. He's relaxed and happy and –  _damn_ it – sexy as hell.

"We found it," He informs me, "The Higgs Boson Particle…it worked. Took all day…calculations an' preppin' an'stuff, but we found it, Penny! M'gonna be famous…S'No joke this time." A slow grin spreads over his delightfully unshaven face, making him kind of look like a tired ranch hand. Especially since he's wearing a white dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up and the top couple buttons undone.

Okay, Penny…remember…you're mad at him…must…resist…

"You mean, you found the…you…" I trail off, suddenly feeling drunk myself as I watch him absently run a hand through his short, dark hair.

"Mmm hmm…" He nods, as I stare at him, trying to ignore the sudden flush of heat in my body, and I literally shake my head. As if  _that's_  going to help. Then I realize he just admitted that he accomplished what he'd set out to do when he'd been granted the money for this trip.

"Shut the coitus  _up!"_  I cry, forgetting my anger as I fling myself over him and my arms around him. I can feel him laugh into my shoulder, wrapping his arms around my waist.

"Don' say coitus…it's sex," He corrects me, reaching up to brush my hair back. "You smell nice."

"You're drunk," I sigh, kissing his nose and shaking my head. He doesn't deny it, his smile simply grows bigger.

"You're beautiful," He adds. Okay, I'm sold. Little shit knows how to manipulate me and, let's face it, I'm kind of loving this tipsy, relaxed Sheldon with the messy hair and the open shirt and the stubble and the…

Ohh boy.

Before I can say anything else, Sheldon has flipped us around so that I am under him as he easily peels off my robe and tosses it to the side without a second glance. I guess drunk Sheldon also means no OCD. My plans of seduction have been thrown out the window, and now, it seems,  _I_ am about to be seduced by my husband.

I love when things work out for the best.

"Penny!" Sheldon gasps, staring down at me. For a second, I forget that I am wearing naughty lingerie.

"Oh, that…" I laugh, feeling my face flush a little. "Yeah, I had this whole plan to get in your pants." He stares at me, momentarily confused.

"You can try…but I'm positive they're too big for you," He informs me with a smirk, looking down at his black dress pants and making me laugh, filling with affection for him. Sometimes, he says things that make him  _too_  endearing. Reaching out, I hook my fingers into the waistband of his pants, pulling him toward me.

We fall back onto the bed, and Sheldon nuzzles into my neck, tickling the skin with the scratch of his night beard. I let out a sigh of contentment, playing with the short hair on the back of his head as he moves downward, barely grazing his lips in the valley between my pushed up breasts, before he smoothes his hands over the pink satin of my chemise.

"I like this…" He gives me a little smirk, before running one of his fingers under the garter on my left thigh and I open my mouth to say something, but nothing comes out, because he bends down and kisses the exposed flesh of my inner thigh.  _Holy crap on a fucking cracker…_

I feel the torturous brush of his finger tip over the satin front of my black thong, making me arch upward involuntarily.

"Sh-Sheldon…shouldn't  _I_  be the one…" He carefully pulls the fabric aside. "You know…um…helping…" One of his fingers leisurely slips inside my moist body. "You…" I finish, but it comes out as a breath rather than a word.

"Penny, you're smoother than normal," He muses quietly, moving his finger within me and making me cry out.

"Brazilian wax!" I moan, gripping the bed covers in my fists and swallowing the curse on the tip of my tongue. Holy  _fuck._

"Fascinating…" He murmurs, before adding a second finger to his ministrations and using the pad of his thumb to stimulate the small, hooded area above, which only serves to make me writhe beneath him. If I had known that he would be this way after a big achievement, I would have been a lot more into The Large Hadron Collider. Hell, I'll get a damn poster of it and hang it on our bedroom ceiling if this happens more often. I'll pledge allegiance to the fucking Higgs Boson Particle. His thumb is suddenly replaced by his tongue, and I can feel the warmth of his breath on my smooth, over stimulated skin.

" _Jesus,_  Sheldon…" I exhale, draping my legs over his shoulders and trying to remember my name. I  _think_  it's Penny.

"I don' see the need to involve Jesus," Sheldon says, pausing to give me a mischievous grin. I stare desperately at him.

"Don't  _stop!"_  I cry, watching a wicked gleam come into his eyes. (There must be something in that Texas water that makes even the most conservative men turn into sexy beasts when they're drunk.) To my utter dismay, he abandons my poor, aching friend and crawls back up the bed beside me, unbuttoning his shirt and shrugging it off. I have to help him, however, because he's still a little too drunk to be very coordinated. I drop the shirt off the side of the bed before taking his under shirt off and decide to take matters into my own hands and give him a taste of his own medicine, quickly removing his belt and unfastening his pants. He's already throbbing, letting out a groan when I run my hand over the bulge beneath the Superman logo. It makes me snicker a little.

"Penny…" Sheldon sighs, brushing a hand over my rippling blonde hair, touching it as if it is the most delicate thing he's ever felt.

"What do you want me to do?" I ask seductively, crawling toward him on my knees and giving him a good look at my impressive cleavage. (Thank you Frederick's of Hollywood!) Bowing my head, I flick my tongue over the sensitive skin beneath his ear, which he loves. A noise of approval escapes him as he blindly reaches for me, but I swat his hands away, moving to run my tongue over the flat plane of his abdomen, nipping a little at the taut skin there.

"Penny,  _please…"_ He begs, his startling blue eyes half closed with lust. Biting my bottom lip, I raise an eyebrow at him, unable to contain my grin.

"Please,  _what?_ " I ask innocently, running my hand over the fabric of his underwear, feeling him jerk beneath my fingers as he lets out an agonized, indiscernible murmur. "Tell me what you want,  _Dr. Cooper."_  I pout prettily (I hope) at him, before licking my lips and glancing over at the forgotten bowl of strawberries, softened considerably by hours of sitting.

I have a better idea.

Rising off the bed, I turn away, giving my husband a good look at my half covered bottom, glancing at him over my shoulder, before I walk over to the tray with the bowl of strawberries and pick it up. Turning back toward him, I take one and settle back on the bed.

"Want one?" I ask casually, holding up the strawberry and biting into the tender, sweet fruit, feeling a little bit of the juice drip down my chin. I move my hand to wipe it, but Sheldon gently grabs my wrist and sits up. A moment later, (hand to God) he  _licks_  the juice off of my chin before kissing me on the lips, parting my lips with the gentle coaxing of his tongue. I can still taste champagne on his lips, sighing into his mouth. He pulls back, looking at the half eaten strawberry hungrily. I give him a sly grin, and drop the strawberry quickly into the deep hollow of my cleavage.

"Oops," I say, raising my eyebrows and batting my eyelashes a little, pouting my lips again.

"Well, tha's unfortunate," He utters, staring dazedly at my prominently displayed breasts.

Got ya, MoonPie.

"You'll have to get it out if you want it," I inform him, bringing his large hand up to cup one.

" _Penny…"_  He whines, imploring me with twinkling blue eyes.

"Sheldon," I lick my lips again, flashing him a sultry smirk and sitting up taller to push my chest forward into his hand. Picking his hand up gingerly in both of mine, keeping my eyes locked on his as I take his index finger into my mouth and sinuously swirl my tongue around it. I notice his eyes flutter slightly and he stops breathing for a moment when I guide his hand back to the top, exposed part of my breast. "Get the damn strawberry, Sheldor."

A flicker of defiance makes his eyes flash, blazing electric blue at me before he pulls me up to my knees with alarming precision and presses his face into the groove between them, tickling my sensitive skin with his stubble. A second later, I fell the slick caress of his tongue delving down, searching for the strawberry.

How far we've come since we first met.

"This is simply not gonna work," he tells me, his voice muffled in my skin. Before I can speak, he's urging the straps down over my shoulders.

"Sheldon, that's cheating!" I giggle, though I do nothing to stop him as he drags the fabric down, exposing my breasts and maneuvering me down onto my back while simultaneously moving over me and burying his face back into my chest, retrieving the strawberry.

"No, Penny," He tells me, flicking his tongue over his bottom lip, " _tha's_  problem solving." I can't help myself, I laugh out loud, taking his face into my hands and bringing him up to my level for a kiss. He holds himself up on his elbows, and there is no longer any hesitation as he deepens our kiss, taking my breath away a little as he settles between my legs, even though both of us are still wearing underwear. Thrusting forward, he stimulates me through both layers of fabric, causing me to let out a long whimper against his lips. He smiles, biting my lower lips gently.

I need to get this guy drunk more often. _Wow._

Running my hands over his back, I settle them over his tight little behind and give a sharp squeeze, pulling him harder against me.

"Tell me you want me," I plead, grinding our hips together.

"You know I do, Penny," He protests, groaning, "You can  _feel_  the evidence of it."

" _No,"_ I gasp, swallowing and arching up to run my lips over his throat, " _Tell_  me." There is a pause as he drags in a ragged breath and releases it, closing his eyes.

"I  _want_  you," He whispers huskily, cradling my head in his hand as he takes my lips again.

"Then  _take_  me, Sheldon," I beg, moving my hips against his once more and creating the most amazing friction between us.

"No," He counters, firmly, slipping his tongue between my breasts again, to taste the excess strawberry juice. Finally, he takes them lovingly into his hands and lavishes affection over them, tasting the peaks with only the tip of his tongue. It's amazing, really, to see him like this. This is a man who once swore he didn't need human contact. Yet, here he is, retrieving strawberries from between my breasts…with his teeth.

" _Sheldon,"_  I whine, feeling my eyes roll back slightly as he presses against me in one fluid stroke.

"Hush," He chuckles, and I notice how deep his voice is laced with his still slightly boozy slur. Reaching down, he pulls back and unclasps my garters before pulling the sopping satin thong down and off me, discarding it by tossing it over his shoulder, making me giggle at the adorable expression on his face. Like a three year old who just got away with murder. "Whoops," he murmurs as he half grins at me, removing his blue Superman briefs and freeing his own pronounced arousal and standing with his hands on his hips like he's Superman himself. This only serves to make me laugh harder while he crawls back onto the bed and carefully pushes my stocking covered knees apart, brushing his tongue briefly over the area behind my knee before moving his hips between mine.

But he doesn't enter, which is frustrating because he's driving me mad and he _knows_  it, the damned Whack-A-Doodle.

"This isn't  _fair,_ " I mewl, as he once again presses himself against my aching flesh, but does not move inside. "You're  _too_ good at this now."

"I've had a lot of practice…" He drawls, sounding so Southern, it makes me snicker, despite my absolute agony. "An' you're a good teacher, Penny Blossom." I can only stare at him in shock, gaping at him and probably looking like a moron. This is literally the first time he's  _ever_ called me a pet name. It makes my eyes sting briefly, before I remember that I'm in the fucking throes of unresolved passion and I want him to push forward  _so_  bad, my teeth are kind of chattering.

"Sheldon, I  _need_  you," I tell him, trying in vain to push my hips upward, but he shakes his head, bowing his head and swallowing as he attempts to keep composed in this relentless game of Cat and Mouse. Settling his elbows on either side of me, he brings his face close to mine, so I can feel his breath against my lips.

"You  _have_ me, Penny…" And suddenly, the teasing is gone and his eyes are sober and sincere, and I feel my heart ache, because he's so  _sweet._  Damn him. Bringing my hand up between us, I cup his cheek and stare at him through suddenly teary eyes.

"I love you, you know," I choke, blinking rapidly, "so,  _so_ much."

"I know," He nods, smiling, despite the suspicious sparkling in his own lovely eyes. "I love you as well." We kiss again, and I squeeze my eyes shut, feeling one stray tear fall out of the corner, gliding down my cheek and down onto the sheet beneath my head. He doesn't seem to notice, making love to me with his mouth only, making me want him more. I feel him twitch between my legs, and I quickly remember I am dangerously close to spontaneously combusting (see? I pay attention) from being driven to the edge of sanity waiting for him to slide into me. Swallowing, I pull his head down and press my lips against the delicate shell of his ear.

"Now, I want you to fuck me, Dr. Cooper," I murmur, running my tongue over his ear as he draws back, staring down at me with a stricken look of surprise before he roughly takes my lips again and finally, _finally_  thrusts inside me to the hilt making me let out a howl of satisfaction, practically screaming his name against his own lips.

" _Penny,"_ He growls, ripping his lips away from mine to bury his face into my neck as his movements become ever more urgent. Gasping for breath, I manage to bring one leg up and hook it over his shoulder, allowing him deeper access.

"Oh,  _God…_ " I groan, closing my eyes and digging my nails into his shoulders. Every time I breath, a mewl of ecstasy seems to pour out, growing louder with every gasp. Every sharp movement he makes seems to hit every nerve in my body. Even he seems to feel it, letting out his own murmurs and moans, pressing slow, excruciating kisses to my lips, my jaw, my collarbone.

Holy hot  _damn…_ this is without a shadow of a doubt, the most amazing night of my life.

Sheldon doesn't say anything else, only his constant chanting of my name as he continues to move into my body, bracing himself up on his hands with my leg between us. I caress the taut muscles on his arm, rolling my head to the side as I strain to keep a single thought in my head.

He surprises me a second later, when he pulls out of me and turns me over onto my stomach, reaching for one of the down pillows at the head of the bed lifting my hips high enough to settle the pillow beneath my stomach, propping me up on my knees as I lie with my cheek resting against the comforter, too stimulated and weak with need to try moving.

"Sheldon, what're you…?" I cut off, letting out a long moan as I feel his fingers enter me once again, this time from behind, easily manipulating my swollen, tender center. "Oh my  _God…Oh my fucking God!"_ I wail, feeling my eyes widen, then close as I hear him chuckle deeply.

"Loud and unnecessary appeals to a deity," he says smugly, but I'm too past control to care. I'll go Nebraska on him later. Or maybe I won't if he keeps  _that_ up.

" _Jesus…"_ I pant as he removes his fingers from my poor, hypersensitive deal and I feel the warmth of his body against mine again as he presses  _his_  deal against my slick opening. Dragging myself up onto my elbows, I turn to look over my shoulder into his lust hazed blue eyes. A moment passes before he begins the slow, incredible assault of my pulsing body. His hands are bracing on my hips, using them for leverage until he is fully embedded within me again and I remember to breathe. Pushing up on my hands, I feel him protectively settle over my body, feeling him ghost his lips over my arched back and between my shoulder blades. Seriously, the guy  _has_  to be running on instinct, because I didn't teach him this stuff.

It could also be the champagne he was drinking…but I'm going to go with instinct.

I continue to sob, letting out consistent moans and whines, which seems to excite him further, because  _he_  gets a little louder. If I wasn't so damn aroused, I _might_  find it adorable. I just find it sexy now, though. I'm  _so_  damn close…I'm right on the brink, when he stops and pulls out of me… _again._

Letting out a sound of protest, I turn to look at him, and he's grinning at me, still flushed from a mixture of alcohol and passion.

"You think you're  _funny,_  MoonPie? Huh?" I ask, raising my eyebrows in challenge.

"I  _am_  remarkably entertaining… _Mrs._ MoonPie," He nods, licking his lips and making me squeeze my thighs together in need.

" _My_  turn…" I tell him, taking him by the shoulders and tackling him to his back, which he does not fight. In fact, if I had to describe it, I'd say he was  _enjoying_ himself, propping himself on his elbows as I stand up and quickly remove the lingerie that's  _still_  on my body, leaving me only in a pair of black thigh high stockings and high heels. Cupping my breasts, I hold them up, standing seductively with my hip cocked to the side. "Like what you see, Dr. Cooper?"

"I don't  _dislike_  what I see…" He returns cockily, his mouth falling open as I slide my hands down my naked body and caress my completely hairless downstairs (thanks to my brilliant idea to get a Brazilian wax), rubbing myself standing up and letting my head fall back, which makes my long hair cascade down to my butt in rippling waves. Opening my eyes, I notice Sheldon start to get up and shake my head.

"Ah, ah…" I tell him, poking his chest with my index finger. " _Lay_ down, Sheldor…Queen Penelope's got some conquering to do."

"But  _I'm_  the  _conqueror…_ " He points out, though he lies down anyway.

"Well  _I'm_  Queen of the Barbarians…and _I'm_  doing the conquering," I inform him, settling beside him on the bed and giving him a lingering kiss on the lips.

"Yes ma'am," He whispers, making me chuckle.

"Good boy," I move down his body and press a trail of whispery, wet kisses over his stomach, before settling lower and wrapping my hand around the hardened length of him, making him cry out and twitch sharply in my hand. Meeting his eyes, I manage a wicked smirk, before running my tongue over him bottom to top before taking him fully into my mouth. His entire body seems to tense as he cries out my name. Pulling back, I laugh a little.

"Shh…" I hush him, before covering him with my mouth once more and hearing him groan in pleasure, pleading with me. A few long moments of this and I can feel his resolve slipping, so I stop and crawl atop him, guiding him inside me again as he locks his arms around my hips, holding me in place.

"Oh  _God…_ " He exclaims, making a wry smile curve my lips.

"Unnecessary appeals to a deity?" I ask, kissing him again as he smiles, despite himself, thrusting upward.

"Statement retracted," He remedies, opening his eyes and brushing my hair back over my ear. " _Necessary_  appeals to a deity."

"Mmm," is all I can manage, moving my hips back and forth, while he continues to drive up into me with increasing speed. Our bodies seem to move of their own accord as we drift further into oblivion, clinging onto each other for dear life and each continues to appeal to that damn deity that neither of us is sure we believe in.

"Sheldon…" I cry, pressing my face into the hollow of his throat as our movements become more desperate. My muscles are aching, but I don't care. Every move we make only pushes us higher, as our murmurs grow louder. I sit up, closing my eyes and throwing my head back, feeling his hands settle on the curve of my behind, tightening over the pliant flesh there as he moves me on top of him.

"Penny…" He groans, and then (I swear to God he says this), he growls,  _"Fuck."_ And I lose it. I scream out his name one more time, feeling the sweet relief of my climax wash over my body as his entire body stiffens beneath me when  _he_  finally reaches his own release. My spent body falls in exhaustion over his, as we still clutch each other like we're drowning and try to remember that breathing is necessary to sustain life.

I finally find the will to move off of him, feeling him slide out of me. He holds me against his side as I tuck my head against his shoulder, placing my hand over his still racing heart.

"Sheldon, that was—"

"I know," He agrees breathlessly, smoothing my hair back again and looking down at me. I grab his hand and hold it, grinning at the sight of his plain, white gold wedding band, kissing it and settling our clasped hands over his chest again.

"Where did you learn that…the…"

"You're referring to the second position…doggy style, as it were?" He inquires, quirking his lips at me. I can only nod, dumbfounded that Dr. Whack-A-Doodle just said the words "doggy" and "style" in the same sentence. "While cleaning our bedroom earlier this week, I found a paperback novel under the bed called  _The Amorous Duke—"_

"Oh God…" I mutter, cringing in embarrassment that Shelly found my heaving bosom novel. (It's a guilty pleasure. Sue me.)

"So, I read the chapter that you had ear marked, and found quite a detailed love scene. Naturally, as a scientist I was curious. But, as your husband, I was intrigued," He finishes, still grinning in self satisfaction, the haze of his alcohol induced relaxation obviously wearing off. I pat his chest, swallowing as I feel my pulse begin to return to normal.

"Huh," I muse, swallowing, "Well, good job. God  _bless_  that eidetic memory of yours."

"Indeed," he chuckles, closing his eyes. We lie silently together for a few moments, before I gasp and look up at him. His eyes open, startled. "What is it?" He asks.

"You discovered the Higgs Boson Particle!" I exclaim, feeling bad for forgetting the whole purpose we'd come for.

"Well, it wasn't single handedly," Sheldon points out as I turn onto my stomach to look up at him. His hand smoothes over my back in soothing circles.

"But  _still!"_  I cry, kissing him excitedly, "You _did_  it! Sheldon, do you know what this _means?"_

"Penny," He laughs, bringing his free arm up and resting it beneath his head. I absolutely love seeing this side of Sheldon; unburdened and completely relaxed, "I have an I.Q. of one hundred eighty-seven. Of  _course_  I know what it means."

"You could win the Nobel Prize! No—" I shake my head, correcting myself, "You're _going_  to!" He stares up at me, looking both amused and touched.

"I know," he beams, looking smug and excited both. I roll my eyes at him, lying back down and draping an arm over his middle.

"Egomaniac," I grin, watching his eyes. He doesn't deny this, he simply continues to smile.

"Yet, you still married me," He says, tightening his arm around me.

"Yeah, yeah…I'm the only woman who can handle you," I remind him, running a finger over his scratchy jaw.

"I agree," Sheldon nods, nuzzling into my touch. We fall quiet again, before the rumble of his stomach makes us look at each other again.

"Hungry?" I ask, sitting up and reaching for my satin robe, but he stops me.

"No," He insists, "But I am feeling a certain itch again…" My eyes fall to what he's referring to and I feel my cheeks grow hot again. Before I can comment, however, he's caught me and put me beneath him again as he kisses me. "Only this time, Penny…" He presses his lips to my throat, " _I'm_  doing the conquering."

I let out a laugh and willingly let Sheldor have his way with me.


	6. The Courtesy Reciprocation

 

* * *

I hate Mondays.

Nothing good ever happens on Monday. This one is no exception. Although, judging by the time on my alarm clock, it's technically Tuesday now.

All I wanted to do was get through my day shift, come home, and watch reruns of  _Friends._  (I really need to find some friends with vaginas.) Instead, I woke up, went to the thrilling Factory of Cheesecake and got under tipped, felt up and puked on…all in one eight hour stretch.

My life is so fulfilling. (For the record, that was sarcasm.)

So, I came home and ripped off my smelly, crusty, pukey clothes and pretty much dove into my shower.

That's where it all went wrong.

One second you're stepping into a hot shower after a long day's work, and the next you're laying on your back tangled in the blue shower curtain you brought down with you. And you dislocated your shoulder.

I hate Mondays.

Even worse? My teeny tiny boyfriend and his two teeny tiny buddies were traipsing around the desert watching a meteor shower, so I wasn't really left with a lot of options. I could have  _probably_  dragged myself out of the tub and belly crawled into the bedroom, but that probably wouldn't be such a great idea with your shoulder hanging out of the socket. So, what did that leave me with?

Ugh.

" _Sheldon, help!"_

I knew he could hear me. The guy can pretty much hear the hair growing on his head.

_Knock, knock, knock._

"Penny?" Never fails.

_Knock, knock, knock._

"Penny?"

_Knock, knock, knock._

"Penny?"

"Come in!" I'd cried, " _Hurry!"_

Now, you would think that when I say 'Hurry,' that he would, you know… _hurry._ But, you need to know something about this guy; (Besides the fact that he's certifiable.) he kind of does things a certain way.

And he doesn't drive. Which was why it was so remarkable that he was the one who ended up  _driving_  me to the E.R. After four hours (and a couple Vicodin and a Valium), we ended up back where we'd started.

"Now remember," he'd told me, standing at the door, "you were given powerful pain medication and a muscle relaxer so, uh, don't operate heavy machinery. Try not to choke on your own drool." With that, he'd started to turn away.

"Wait! You have to help me get into bed!" I'd called after him, and then in my drugged stupor, realized what I'd said and laughed. "Sheldon has to get me into bed! Bet you never thought I'd say that!" I sang at him, feeling weak with the need to lie down.

"Mmm, yes," He'd sighed resignedly, "the charm of your drug addled candor knows no bounds."

"You know," I prattled on, not really paying attention to what Sheldon was doing as I climbed into my bed, "people think you're this weird robot man who's so annoying all the time – and you  _totally_  are – but then it's like that movie  _Wall-E_ at the end. You're so full of  _love,_ and you can save a plant and get people out of the floaty chairs." Looking back on that, I can honestly say I have  _no_  idea where that came from. Clearly, Sheldon didn't know either, because he'd given me a look that had indicated he thought I should probably spend the night in a padded room.

"That's a fairly labored metaphor, but I appreciate the sentiment behind it," He told me, glancing longingly toward the front door. As if I hadn't embarrassed myself enough, I'd obviously had to one-up myself.

"Sing Soft Kitty to me." That's when I'd seen it…the slightest gleam of amusement in his eyes.

"Soft Kitty if for when you're sick. You're not sick," he replied, standing in the doorway of my bedroom.

"Injured and drugged is a  _kind_  of sick," I'd heard myself insist, pouting my bottom lip and patting the bed beside me. What the freaking hell was I  _doing?_

Which brings us to the present. 2:01 A.M.

My eyes open and I try to groggily focus my eyes in the darkness of the bedroom. The dull ache in my recently dislocated shoulder reminds me that I'm hurt. Everything is still pretty numb and slightly hazy from the Vicodin and Valium super-combo, but I can at least form coherent thoughts that aren't about Disney movies involving robots and floaty chairs.

A second later, the bed moves and I realize I'm not alone. I wonder, briefly, if Leonard came back from the desert early and turn onto my side.

And I jolt awake.

Holy  _shit!_

That's not a teeny tiny boyfriend! That's a…Sheldon. In my bed. Sheldon and I are asleep in  _my_  bed. Together. Just to be safe, I make sure I'm wearing clothes, because I  _am_ under the influence and have been known to act inappropriately. Not that I would ever have to worry about Sheldon, who is about as sexually active as my Hello Kitty throw pillow.

Actually, that pillow  _may_  have seen more action. (I still haven't forgiven Howard for banging Christy McSlutbag all over my bedroom.)

Yep. Still wearing my clothes. (Phew!)

Glancing over, I notice Sheldon is asleep on his side, and I vaguely recall a rousing round of Soft Kitty a few hours ago. It's weird, watching Dr. Sheldon "Whack-A-Doodle" Cooper sleep. He's so serene…unburdened. It's nothing like when he's awake and his mind is constantly active solving equations and pondering the mysteries of the universe and space and…other science stuff that I will never understand.

It's also funny, because he's kind of adorable lying here like this. He's almost handsome, and endearing like a sleeping Prince from a Disney movie or something. I think it's because his hole is shut…for once.

I blame the drugs.

I owe him. Tomorrow, I'll go kidnap Leonard Nimoy or buy him like 30 comic books. Right now, I'm going back to sleep.

When I wake again, it's light outside. The pain in my shoulder has lessened a little, I think and I am no longer feeling hazy. And I'm alone. Sheldon is gone, but on the table is a piece of paper with neat scrawl and a pill.

_Penny-_

_This is your prescribed Vicodin. I took the liberty of putting the rest of them in the medicine cabinet in your bathroom._

_Dr. Sheldon Cooper_

Really? You just  _had_ to sign it 'Doctor Sheldon Cooper,' didn't you, MoonPie? I'm surprised he didn't add  _PhD_  to it. I take the Vicodin without water, before dragging myself out of my rumpled bed and stepping into a pair of slippers. I guess I should go make sure he got home alright. Yes, I am aware he lives five feet away, but he's kind of a child. Not to mention, I feel a little guilty for keeping him out all night and ruining his one night to himself.

To my surprise, the door is unlocked and Leonard is laying on his stomach across the couch, watching morning T.V. He brightens when I come in, sitting up.

"Hey, you!" He says, rising and crossing over to me. I smile tiredly at him and kiss him on the lips.

"Boy, am I glad to see  _you,_ " I tell him, watching his dark eyes fall to my sling and widen. "How was your night?" I ask as he sighs.

"Don't ask," He mutters, urging me to sit and glancing at my arm. "Yours?"

"Don't ask," I reply.

"Penny, what the hell happened?" Leonard finally asks, as I reach for his hand.

"I fell in the tub. I'll explain later," I assure him, "Do you know where Sheldon is?" I glance around the room, half expecting him to come walking around the corner. But he doesn't.

"Yeah," Leonard chuckles, "He's at work. It's Tuesday, remember?" I sag, remembering that I'm scheduled to work at four. That's going to be  _wonderful!_  And it's BBQ Bacon Cheeseburger night! Double joy!

"Crap on a cracker," I grumble. "I'm supposed to work…"

"Why don't you call off and then come take a nap with me?" Leonard suggests, making me smile, despite my exhaustion.

"Tempting," I laugh, touching his nose, "But  _I_  have to go take care of some stuff around the apartment. You should get some sleep, Sweetie, okay? I'll see you later."

"I'll make it worth your while…" He teases, waggling his eyebrows and making me snort at him.

"Get some sleep," I chuckle, giving him a quick kiss before leaving and crossing to my own apartment. The first thing I do is text Sheldon.

_**Can we talk tonight?** _

I decide to run down to the corner and use the last fifty in my account show my gratitude to the giant goofball who helped me last night. Stuart is in deep conversation with an overweight man in a pair of dingy sweatpants and a Captain America T-Shirt. Sometimes, I forget that this is like an animal shelter for lost nerds and other hopeless types.

"Sorry, I can't return this," Stuart was telling him in his quiet, sad sack voice, "You don't have the receipt and you don't have the original packaging."

"Stuart, come on…just do me a favor. I'm living in my sister's garage and I'm wearing a pair of my mother's underwear. Just take the figurine back." Jesus!

"It's out of my hands. If you bring the box, I can—" Stuart cuts off, noticing me standing behind the unfortunate bastard in the sweatpants. "Penny!"

"What are you—?" The other guy starts, glancing back and visibly panicking. "You're the hot blonde who comes in with the Cal-Tech guys. The little guy's girlfriend."

"There's three little guys," I tell him dryly, "you have to be a little more specific."

"You know what, Stu?" The guy says, turning back to poor pale Stuart, "I'm gonna go take another look around the garage and see if I can't find that box." He gives me a nervous nod and rushes past me out the door.

"He seems nice," I tell Stuart, who gestures to my sling.

"What happened?"

"Oh, I had a little accident in the tub last night. Dislocated," I explain, wincing at the shooting pain in my shoulder. "Sheldon had to take me to the emergency—"

"Sheldon  _Cooper?_ " Stuart blurts, looking slightly horrified. Shit. I didn't mean to say anything about it, but I'm still going to blame the Vicodin racing through my blood stream right now.

"Yeah," I nod curtly, staring impatiently at him, "So, I'm looking for a little, like, thank you gift. Any suggestions?" Stuart continues to stare at me for a moment, before regaining his (few) wits.

"Eh…" He stares doubtfully at me, glancing around, "Sheldon's pretty regular in here. He's got every new comic we have. I did get this limited edition Flash figurine in yesterday, but I don't think—"

"That's perfect!" I tell him, pulling my wallet out of my purse. "How much?"

"Forty-five," He tells me, making me blanch a little. That's like almost all of the money I have in the bank. That gives me _five_  fucking dollars until Friday…and it's Tuesday.

Balls.

"I'll take it," I tell him through clenched teeth, wondering when the hell I'm going to catch a break and become rich and famous. Although, at this point, I'd be glad to get a job that doesn't involve me bringing cheesecake to strangers. At this point, I'd be glad to make enough a week to pay my bills and fill my fridge. And, if I had a little left over for shoes, all the better.

But I don't.

And I'm still going to buy this Flash figurine for Sheldon, because damn it all, I owe the whacko. After I pay Stuart and head back out, I check my cell phone to see if Sheldon responded to my text.

Nope.

Is he avoiding me? I mean, I realize I was a little out of sorts last night. He can't _possibly_  be blaming me for him sleeping in my bed, could he? But then I remember; this is Sheldon. Of course he can. This is the dude who banished me from his apartment for touching an  _onion ring._

" _Look Penny, I wish I could be more lenient with you, but since you've become a permanent member of our social group, I have to hold you to the same standards as everybody else."_

Oh, honey, the buses don't go where you live, do they?

Crazy Texan.

Around four, Leonard calls my cell, waking me from another nap.

"Hey, Sweetie," He says cheerfully, "We're going to T.G.I. Friday's tonight since Sheldon is working late. We decided to take advantage of the non-O.C.D. influence for the night."

"Oh," I laugh, pushing my hair out of my face and wiping at my eye with the back of my hand. "Actually, the Vicodin is making me pretty sleepy. I think I'm gonna stay in tonight. You guys enjoy. Have a Reeses pie for me."

"Well, Howard's allergic to peanuts…" Leonard reminds me, making me roll my eyes. I smirk to myself. I always forget these four goofs have more health problems than a high school infirmary.

"Just, have fun," I sigh, rubbing my temples and shaking my head affectionately. "I'll see you later tonight, okay?"

After we hang up, I lie back down in the bed and fall back to sleep for a little while longer. It's just getting dark out when I get up again at six. Still no text from MoonPie, which is starting to alarm me. Usually when Sheldon gets a text, he answers immediately. His conscience can't really allow him to let them go unanswered. So, that tells me he's either keeping some sort of a secret, or he's avoiding me.

I'm thinking option two.

I decide to write him a note and leave the Flash figurine in the boys' apartment, so Sheldon gets it when he comes back from work. Instead, I find Dr. Cooper himself sitting in his usual spot with takeout from – what else? – The Cheesecake Factory. His eyes widen like a goddamn deer in the headlights when I walk in, clutching the brown paper bag with the gift in it.

"Penny, what are you  _doing_  here?" Sheldon asks, looking more than slightly alarmed. "Leonard said they were going to—"

"I didn't go," I tell him, moving toward the couch and setting the bag on the coffee table. "Leonard told me you were working late."

"I wasn't," he answers as his blue eyes fall to the bag.

"I can see that," I tell him, feeling a smile threaten at the corners of my mouth. "You've been avoiding me, MoonPie."

"Penny," Sheldon sighs in exasperation, "You  _know_  very well that only my MeeMaw calls me MoonPie. I have asked you repeatedly to refrain—"

"Yeah, but since I don't take orders from you, I ignore it," I grin, nudging the bag toward him, "this is for you." He gives me a suspicious look, setting his empty carry-out box aside and tentatively reaching for the handles of the brown bag.

"Penny, that's a strike," he tells me, making me glare at him.

"No it's not. Open the damn bag, Sheldon," I order, jabbing a finger at the gift. Scowling at me, he opens the bag and gingerly removes the box to reveal the boxed containing his figurine.

"Penny," he tells me in a hushed voice with wide eyes, "this is a limited edition Golden Age Flash statue!" He meets my eyes, clutching the box, "Where did you get this?"

"From Stuart at the comic book store," I tell him, unable to keep the stupid grin off my face at the way he's clinging to that damn statue like his life depends on it. Maybe he can hide his change in its ass or something. Hell, maybe he can make it into a Pez dispenser. As long as he likes it, I don't care if he legally marries it.

"I don't understand, Penny," Sheldon tells me, setting it carefully on the coffee table, "Why did you purchase this for me? Now I have to reciprocate with a gift of equal value, and—"

" _No!_ " I insist, putting up my good hand to stop him. "This isn't a  _gift._  It's repayment for your help last night." I sigh raggedly, "Sheldon, I don't know what I would have done if you weren't here."

"The answer is moot, as I  _was_  home, so there is no point in pondering—"

"Sheldon, would you please can it for five seconds so I can thank you?" I ask impatiently, feeling my eyes sting a little. "What you did was the most selfless and nicest—" I stop myself, feeling like a giant cheeseball. "Thanks."

"You're welcome," he responds, "but I still have to—"

" _No_  gifts," I growl at him. He clamps his mouth shut, giving me a baleful look. Finally, he lets out a long exhale and rises to his feet.

"Have you eaten?" He asks, eyeing me. I shake my head.

"No," I admit, "My damn microwave busted on me two days ago and all I have in the fridge is a D-Cell battery and some pickle juice."

"Honestly Penny, I don't know  _how_  you manage to keep yourself nourished sometimes," Sheldon scolds me, stalking over into the kitchen and opening the fridge. "I was saving this leftover Shrimp Scampi for Wednesday night, but seeing as your need is greater than mine, I am willing to let you eat it."

"Oh, Sweetie, you  _really_  don't have to do that…" I begin to protest, but the look on his face tells me it's not optional. And I do love me some Shrimp Scampi. "Sounds great!" I say, shrugging as he carefully puts it into a bowl to microwave. "Why don't you just heat it up in the—"

"The heat from a microwave can cause a reaction in the Styrofoam. As it's boiling point is lower than that of a liquid, it could ruin the bottom of the container, creating an unnecessary mess. Not to mention—"

"Right," I cut him off, wincing tiredly, "Sorry I asked."

"You know, your gesture was unnecessary, Penny," Sheldon tells me, once the microwave is heating up the food. "I wasn't avoiding  _you_." He takes a deep breath, leaning against the counter, "I was avoiding Leonard. Obviously you two are involved in a sexual relationship, and—"

"Argh!" I cry, closing my eyes, "What's your point, Sheldon?"

"My  _point,_  Penny, which I was getting to before you interrupted me, is this; As I am incapable of keeping a secret, I decided it would be best if I conferred with you first on what to tell Leonard. I'm no expert, but I'm entirely certain that seeing your best friend's girlfriend nude and then sharing a bed with her is somewhat frowned upon." I gape at him, slightly confused and feeling the urge to snicker again.

"Ya think?" I agree. "Okay," I tell him, standing and moving toward him, "we tell Leonard you helped me when I dislocated my shoulder. But we don't tell him you saw me naked. And we keep the whole 'sleeping together' thing to ourselves, agreed?"

"Very well," Sheldon nods, removing the food from the microwave and setting it on the counter with a fork. Feeling a rush of gratitude, I stand up on my toes and peck him on the cheek. By the look on his stricken face, you'd think I slapped him or at the very least, scratched one of his  _Star Trek_  DVDs. We spend the rest of the evening in mutual, contemplative silence, sitting side by side for a little while. He watches some Science channel special about the future of Earth, and the possibility of humans moving to another planet in the distant future. It's one of those snoozers, where some regal British guy narrates while they show a lot of CGI images of imagined planets and galaxies.

I leave before Leonard gets home, after receiving a text that they all went to have a drink with Stuart. Sheldon and I don't say goodbye to each other, but we kind of don't have to. The nice thing about Sheldon is there's never that need to fill the silence with awkward small talk. He doesn't understand it. I hate making it. It works. I give him a nod and leave 4A, thinking only of the soft, warm bed across the hall. It's not until I'm completely comfortable beneath the covers, that I realize my pillow smells like Sheldon's baby shampoo. It makes me smile unexpectedly as I slowly inhale, letting the soothing scent fill me, relaxing me and lulling me back into a slightly drug influenced slumber.

The next day, when I open my front door, I notice a box with a Post-It note stuck to the top.

_Reciprocation: (n) a mutual giving and receiving._

_-S_

Bending down, I let out a sharp laugh when I realize what it is he's left for me. Taped to the top of the box is a pack of what appears to be adhesive ducks holding umbrellas. The real surprise, however, is what's inside the larger box.

It's a Hello Kitty Microwave.


	7. The Fertilization Discernment

 

* * *

" _I'm goin' out tonight, I'm feelin' alright…gonna let it all hang out…wanna make some noise, really raise my voice, yeah, I wanna scream and shout!"_

Ah, bliss.

I have the whole apartment all to myself for the  _whole_  afternoon, and I am not going to let that go to waste. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love my husband and everything, but Penny likes her 'Me Time' too. It's also a plus, when you get an email notice saying that filming for your T.V. show has been canceled for the day due to an electrical problem at the studio.

I needed this. A day to myself. I guess I should explain. I've had a rough week. It started on Monday, when I went in for a costume fitting and realized the flight suit that they had for me no longer fit. The costume lady asked if I'd had  _work done._ As in a boob job. I thought she was joking for a second, but upon looking in the mirror, I realized my chest was shoved into that jumpsuit like a sausage, and it felt like the material was crushing my funbags with the death grip of a vise. The costumer had just patted my shoulder and said that every girl should be so lucky as to gain weight in their chest.

But I'm dumbfounded. I've worn a 34C since the eleventh grade, so the fact that I've gone up to a double-D in a matter of weeks kind of sends up a red flag. But I've decided not to think about it. I'm going to relax around the house on this warm September afternoon and watch bad T.V. while sipping freshly made iced tea.

"Tyrone…you are  _not_  the father," Maury says from the T.V. and the idiot with the shoulder length braids leaps out of his chair and starts doing dance moves from the eighties while his dumbass ex flees the stage sobbing.

God I love this show.

A crash from the bathroom makes me sigh tiredly. My mischievous Soft Kitty has once again opened the cabinet under the sink in the bathroom, where he likes to hide out. Seriously, we have found him lounging across my lotion basket multiple times. It drives Dr. Whack-A-Doodle absolutely bat crap crazy, which I love.

Pulling myself (and my giant boobs) off of the couch, I walk into the bathroom to find – sure as shit – Flash has burrowed into the cabinet and is wrapped around my Sweet Pea scented lotion. He'd staring at me like  _I'm_  the one with the problem. That's when I notice there are tampons scattered  _all_  over the floor.

" _Flash…_ " I sigh, stooping to pick one up and freezing in mid-crouch, staring around at the mess. Tampons.  _Lots_  of tampons. I haven't bought tampons since July. But I'm still fully stocked. I haven't had a  _period_  since  _July._  A couple of weeks before Sheldon and I went to Switzerland, where we…

Oh. My.  _God._

Uh, oh. Uh, oh.  _Uh, oh!_

That  _night…_ that amazing, insane night after Sheldon helped find the Higgs Boson Particle. And now…

I may need to lie down…for about nine months…or if what I suspect is true… _seven months?_  Okay, no fair! It's supposed to be nine months! You're supposed to be able to prepare for  _nine_ months, not  _seven!_  Oh my God! Oh  _shit!_

_Seven months!_

Forgetting the mess, I scramble off the ground and rush into the living room to my phone, where I immediately text Amy.

_**I'm two months late. I think I'm…u know what.** _

I can't even bring myself to  _type_  the damn word.  _Pregnant!_ Vague memories of forgetting to take my birth control for a couple days in July replay through my mind. Those two little pills left in the pack are like little traitors…and now I may have an intruder setting up camp in my uterus. Because pregnancy leads to…you know… _babies._

A  _baby?_

Holy fucking crap on a cracker. If this is happening, this thing is half me and half—

 _Oh God._  Doomed before it's even confirmed to exist! My phone goes off and I'm shaking so hard that I drop it. Flash reappears in the hallway, slinking along the wall casually and watching me for a second, before he leaps to the top of his tower. Somehow, I manage to pick up the phone in my fingers, which are shaking like I'm a damn junkie having a withdrawal, and read Amy's response.

_**You're possibly either pregnant or you have a uterine tumor. I'm not sure which you were referring to.** _

Oh that's just  _great!_  It could be cancer  _too?_  This isn't helping my panic. Cancer or a baby? A baby or cancer? Maybe I could write out the pros and c—

Oh my  _God,_  Penny! Pros and  _Cons_  of Babies vs.  _Cancer?_

It's not that I don't like babies. They're cute. They drool a lot. And bite. I remember my nephew Brian used to bite. There was also the time when I went to change his diaper and realized his diaper had leaked and was all over his legs. I was ten. After that, I pretty much avoided babies and their explosive poop holes. (Said explosive pooper is now attending M.I.T. for engineering. We're so proud. Especially because he uses the toilet now.)

But me as a mother? I don't know. I mean, my mother and I get along pretty well now that I don't live with her, but I remember spending hours alone as a little girl and resenting her for neglecting me. How do I know I won't do the same thing to my possible uterus buddy?

I guess I should find out if I even  _have_  a uterus buddy first, before I start worrying about how bad I'm gonna screw it up. So, I fire off a quick text back to Amy.

_**I'm going with option one on this one.** _

Don't pregnant people like get sick all the time and crave weird foods like pickles and ice cream? Or sauerkraut and chocolate syrup…

Wait,  _what?_

Does that actually sound  _good?_  But, more importantly, do we have any chocolate syrup? I know we have a jar of sauerkraut that Dad sent recently. Focus, Penny! To my surprise, my phone rings just as I start toward the fridge to scope out the chocolate syrup situation.

Amy.

"Hey, Ames," I sigh into the phone, opening the fridge door and nearly bursting into tears of relief at the sight of the Hershey's syrup. Yeah…uterus buddy seems more likely than a tumor. And I'm still not sure if I'm relieved or scared shitless.

"Hello, Bestie," she says calmly (I envy her), "I have a three pack of pregnancy tests in the medicine cabinet in our bathroom," she informs me, "Use your emergency key and take one."

"Are you sure?" I ask, biting my lip as I stare thoughtfully at the door.

"Of course," she assures me, all business, "I would offer to come home and help you with it, but I'm in the middle of a study on primates fostering the offspring of other primates." I just stare blankly at the door, unhearing as two words pound through my head

_Pregnant. Baby. Pregnant. Baby. Etc…_

"'Kay, I'll let you know," I mutter absently, hanging up without a goodbye as I fumble into the bowl for the emergency key to my former apartment. It's quiet and dark, and full to the brim with Star Wars and Barbie paraphernalia, like two sixth graders decided to shack up. It would be adorable to me if I wasn't so terrified.

I slip silently into the bathroom, opening cabinet and seeing the pink box immediately.

_Early Response Pregnancy Test_

Guess that's it. I pull the box out and read the side, opening it as I read the instructions.

_Remove the test stick from foil wrapper and take off cap._

Okay, easy enough.

_Hold the test stick pointing downward, placing the tip in urine stream for 5 seconds._

Here comes the fun part. I set the test on the sink for a second, sneaking out into Lamy's kitchen and open the fridge, eyeing the full pitcher of filtered water. (I am so grateful all of my friends are scientists who actually take care of themselves.) I quickly pour myself a glass, gulping it down as quickly as I can and waiting for the urge to pee. It does not take long (about halfway through Amy's  _Cosmo_ ), before I'm rushing through Leonard and Amy's bedroom, stubbing my toe on the foot of their bed and slamming clumsily into the bathroom. Seriously, how the  _hell_  did I function in this tiny little apartment?

The little Pee Stick of Truth awaits me on the sink, and I suck in a quick breath, finding the courage to just man up already and take the damn thing. With shaking fingers, I uncap it, dropping the plastic cap and uncaring where it falls as I pull my pants down and stick 'er on down there. It's disgusting for various reasons, and I can't help thinking that Sheldon would be  _flipping_  out,  _not_  because I may or may not be harboring a Cooper in my gut, but because I just peed on my fingers a little. I fish the plastic cap out from behind the clothes hamper and put it over the gross peed on part of it. Then, I quickly wash the excess yuck off of my hands and grab the instructions again.

_Wait 3 minutes to read results. One line: NOT PREGNANT. Two lines: PREGNANT._

So I wait. For about thirty seconds, before I see one bold pink stripe…above a newly forming second stripe.  _Thirty seconds?_ Two lines: PREGNANT.

Two lines.

Okay, the instructions said  _three minutes._ Maybe I did it wrong. I quickly grab the box and rip out the other two tests.

Turns out I did it right. Three positive tests. Three tests, two lines…and a partridge in a pear tree.

Holy fucking shit!

My first thought is,  _How do I tell my Dad?_ That's when I remember I'm almost twenty-eight years old and I'm  _married._ My parents are expecting –  _no –_ wanting this. I'm not in trouble. I have a good chunk of money put away, thanks to my cushy acting gig.

Oh balls!

How do I tell  _Sheldon?_  How do I tell anyone? What am I going to do? And more importantly, how soon until I'm a farting, food craving mess? Darcy has told me some horror stories about when she had my nephew, the explosive pooping wonder, and she had gas like  _all_  the time. They say pregnancy is beautiful, but to hear my sister talk about it, it's possibly the most hideous thing you can experience.

Her exact words: "You're fat, you're tired, you're sick all the time and you fart like crazy. Plus your nipples look like chew toys for little yappy dogs."

Can't wait. But there have to be good things too…I mean, women voluntarily do this all the time, so there has to be a reward, right? The sound of my phone makes me drop the empty test box, where I've put all of my positive tests like some kind of gross, urine covered souvenir.

"Hello?" I say into the phone, and realize my chin is kind of shaking with the mix of adrenaline and fear in my system.

"So what's the verdict, Bestie?" Amy's calm voice comes over the line, and for some odd reason, it calms me.

"Positive," I whisper into the phone. "It's a done deal." There's a long pause, but damn it felt good to say it out loud. What has happened? An hour ago, I was dancing around to Shania Twain, celebrating my day off. Today, I'm an expectant mother.

_Mother?_

Oh no…this could be bad. I don't know how to be a parent. And  _Sheldon_  barely knows how to be  _human._  Holy  _Higgs Boson Particle._ Suck it up, Penelope. This is happening whether you like it or not. It's funny, but my conscious sounds a lot like my Gran.

She would have known what to do.

"We're having a baby!" Amy cries into the phone excitedly, as I continue to stare at the tile on the wall. "Oh, I hope it's a girl! We can enter her in pageants and take her to the park and we can buy matching dresses and—"

"Ames, can you maybe not say anything about this until I get a chance to tell Sheldon?" I ask, biting my lip as I bend down to retrieve my Box O' Pee-Sticks.

"Oh, Sheldon," Amy says, sounding a lot like she's just remembering that I actually have a baby daddy. (She should know, she dated the weirdo for five months.) "I'd take your secret to the grave. A rogue communist interrogator couldn't torture it out of me—"

"Yeah, great…sure, I just need like four hours," I vaguely interrupt her, "That's when Sheldon gets home." Running a hand through my hair, I sigh. "I'm gonna have to replace your pregnancy tests. I went a little nuts and took all three."

"Unnecessary. I have an emergency supply in the hall closet," Amy explains, "Early in our relationship, Leonard and I had a little scare, so I stocked up when that little questionably run drug store over on Euclid was busted for tax evasion by the I.R.S. Needless to say, it was a steal."

"Delightful," I reply, not listening. "Okay, I'm gonna go home and…be pregnant, I guess."

"Got it. Mum's the word," Amy assures me, "I got your back."

"Great," I flip off the light and head back out, stubbing my damn toe  _again._  "Ow! Okay! I'll see you around six-thirty…after I drop the bomb." We hang up and I return home, finding my cat sprawled across the coffee table, batting around one of my hair ties. At the sight of me, he gives a half hearted mewl. "Oh, Flash," I mutter, plodding to the fridge and pulling out the milk. That gets his attention. "Want some?" I brandish the gallon, pulling a little saucer from the cupboard. Ah, the hell with it. I take a swig straight from the gallon, Dr. Whack-A-Doodle be damned. If I have to grow his kid, he has to deal with my bad habits.

That's when I realize, I should probably make an appointment with my downstairs doctor. And figure out when Mini Cooper – hey, that totally works! – will decide to make an appearance. I pull up my doctor's office number on my phone, and eye the unopened bottle of white wine on top of the fridge.

Oh, old friend…I'll miss you.

"Pasadena Obstetrics and Gynecology, this is Jeanine. How can I help you?" The perky voice comes into the phone. I swallow the lump of fear in my throat and force myself to speak.

"Um, yes," I begin, hating the high pitched tone of my voice, "I'm a patient of Dr. Carlyle's and I just took three pregnancy tests…and they were all positive."

"Oh!" The girl's voice responds, "Congrats! So you'll be wanting a prenatal exam?"

"Yeah, that would be…good," I tell her, fighting the urge to be sarcastic.

"Name?"

"Penelope Cooper…well, it's probably under my maiden name. I got married in April," I ramble, giving her the old name.

"Ah! Here you are!" She exclaims. "I have an appointment tomorrow at noon…would that work?"

"I'll make it work," I tell her, just wanting to be done with it. I may not know how I feel about this whole situation, but I do want to make sure everything checks out.

The remainder of the afternoon is a blur. I clean up the bathroom. Take a hot, hot shower. Not watch T.V. I sit down on the sofa in my sweats and pretty much stare blindly at the screen until I hear the door open and the jangle of keys along with Leonard's voice telling Sheldon that he and Amy will be over in a bit. The smell of pizza fills the air, almost overwhelmingly. Another thing I've realized was a pregnancy symptom over the past couple of hours.

"Penny?" Sheldon's worried voice makes me look up finally, noticing him standing there with two pizza boxes, still wearing his jacket with his bag over his shoulder.

"Hey," I murmur, trying to gather my wits enough to stand up and give him a kiss. I'm not feeling it. I'm so nervous, I may puke…and not even because I'm knocked up.

"Are you feeling alright?" He asks hesitantly, looking a little like he wants to cover his face with his shirt in one of his germaphobic, hypochondriac fits.

"I'm fine, Sheldon," I sigh resignedly, pulling myself off of the couch. "Sit down…we need to talk."

"Oh boy," he mutters, setting the pizza on the counter and removing his jacket and bag, placing them in their designated spots. "Before you begin to reprimand me for some indiscretion you think I've committed, please allow me to—"

"That's not what this is," I tell him sternly, pointing at his spot beside me. " _Sit!"_ Without another word, he rushes over and parks it in his seat. "I have to tell you something." My breath starts to come in short gasps and I can feel my forehead beginning to sweat.

"Alright…" He nods cautiously, bringing one of his hands up to protect his throat. (For the record, I have  _never_  punched him in the throat, despite the overwhelming urge to do so sometimes.) I reach out, and take one of his hands between mine, twining our fingers together and making him watch me in confusion.

"Sheldon, Flash got into the cupboard in the bathroom again," I start, and Sheldon visibly relaxes.

"Oh, is that all?"

"No," I interject quickly, "that's not all. He knocked my tampons all over the place and I realized the last time I bought tampons was—"

"July the twelfth," Sheldon answers, lightening fast as I roll my eyes. "Penny, are you saying you haven't had a menstrual cycle?"

"Bingo," I nod, watching his eyes widen in understanding as he nods.

"And…you suspect that you're experiencing an early onset of menopause," he suggests, making my jaw drop.  _What?_ "If it helps, I can do some research on the subject, and we can—"

"Oh my God!  _No!"_  I cry, horrified, "I'm not in early  _menopause,_  you nut!" I swat his arm in irritation, "I'm  _pregnant._ " His face goes pale for about half a second, before he composes himself and relaxes.

"Oh," he replies softly. "You're sure? Early menopause may not be terribly common, but—"

"I took three tests," I cut him off, "All positive. All signs point to yes."

"I see," Sheldon sighs, nodding, "Alright then." With that, he rises and crosses to the counter, where he immediately begins getting out the paper plates and cups…and I seethe.

That's  _it?_  I'm freaking out here, and he says  _Alright then?_  Nope. Not happening. Not even close.

"What the hell?" I demand, getting up and storming across the room, grabbing my lanky husband by the collar and glaring into his face. "That's  _all_  you have to say?  _Alright_ then?"

"What d-do you want me to say?" He stammers, carefully trying to pry my fingers off of his clothes.

"I don't know!" I rail at him, "I expected you to be happy? Upset? Pissed?  _Something!_  Not,  _Alright then!"_

"I can't really say I'm surprised," He explains cautiously, "It isn't as if we've been extremely careful…and you're less than reliable when it comes to taking your birth control pills."

"I am  _not!"_  I shriek, in a full out rage now. Sheldon raises an eyebrow in disbelief.

"Oh? Penny, you forgot to take three pills in June and two in July," he reminds me. "Not to mention, birth control is only ninety-eight percent—"

"Oh,  _alright!"_ I cry, knowing full well I'm being a little irrational. Give me a break. I'm pissed off for two here. "So this is  _all_ my fault…and I'm irresponsible and a bimbo and—" I burst into tears. Sheldon is probably convinced that I'm possessed by the  _Paranormal Activity_  demon (who I am convinced is a poorly disguised Lindsay Lohan). A second later, I hear his sigh of defeat as his hands settle over the top of my arms, pulling me toward him into the warmth of his broad chest. I like my Shelly with a little meat on his bones.

"No one is  _blaming_  you, Penny," Sheldon assures me, sounding a little like he'd like to flee the scene. To his credit, he remains where he is, rubbing my back like he's learned to do when I'm upset. "And you're hardly irresponsible. You are a married woman with a home and a means of stable income. You have health insurance and your doctor informed you that you are in superb physical condition. As to the third," He pulls back and looks down into my face, using his thumb to carefully wipe the pool of tears beneath my eye, "I have never referred to you as a _bimbo._  My MeeMaw would have had my head on a platter." Despite my terror and my frustration, I manage to laugh, burying my face in his chest and wrapping my arms tightly around his middle. His arms settle around me, knowing exactly what it is I need. I do this when I need comfort. And for someone who was never into the whole affection thing, he's pretty good at it.

"So, this is a good thing?" I ask, pressing my ear over his heart and listening for the even ebb and flow. I love that.

"I cannot say if it's  _good,_  however, I  _can_ say that it's certainly not a  _bad_  thing," Sheldon tells me calmly. "We have the means to provide for a child, and we are in a stable relationship. I certainly have no intention of shacking up with a bleached blonde bartender with a tattoo on her breast that says ' _I'm with the band.'"_  At my questioning look, Sheldon sighs. "Wendy. My father's mistress."

"Ah," I nod, "Well  _that's_  reassuring."

"I'm glad," he tells me, and I snort, feeling slightly better. Some things never change. "Sarcasm?" He asks, catching on.

"A little." Pulling away, my stomach rumbles and I realize I'm starving. I haven't eaten since my early lunch. The smell of pizza is luring me toward the counter like those cartoons where the character floats around with the scent.

"I suppose we'll have to convert the second bedroom into a nursery," Sheldon says, opening the fridge and retrieving a can of Mountain Dew. Ah, I'll let him tonight. He got some crazy, life changing news.

"Yeah. I mean, it's not like Flash…it won't use a litter box," I agree, brightening, "Although, wouldn't that be awesome?"

"Penny," he sighs (here we go!), "that would be highly unsanitary and virtually imposs—"

"I am  _kidding,_  Sheldon," I groan, rubbing my forehead tiredly, "I would never expect a baby to use a litter box. I'm not a complete moron."

"Oh dear  _Lord!"_  He exclaims, freezing in mid-sip.

"What's wrong?" I ask, peeking into the box and eyeing the fully loaded pizza like an old friend.

"I have to call my mom…and  _MeeMaw!"_ He tells me, looking a little stricken. _Finally,_ a reaction! Hallelujah! "Penny, we're having a  _baby!_  We'll have to feed, clothe, change dirty diapers—dear  _God!"_ He shakes his head in disbelief, "How are we going to tell everyone?"

"Yeah," I reply dryly, " _Kind_  of the response I was going for on take one." He moves across the counter from me, and we stare at each other, each kind of in a weird state of panic. The knock at the door makes us both start violently as we exchange panicked looks.

"Looks like we'll have to figure out how to tell everyone quick, MoonPie," I inform him, crossing to the door, "here goes nothing."

I open the door.

* * *

 


	8. The Fertilization Divulgence

Twelve sets of eyes are staring at us, watching as I wring my fingers nervously. Sheldon looks slightly ill, standing with his hands splayed at his sides, shifting his weight from foot to foot.

"Who died?" Raj finally speaks up, sharing a look with an equally puzzled Howard. Taking a deep breath, I falteringly reach for Sheldon's semi-clammy hand and clasp it tightly.

"Look, uh…" I start, noticing Amy grinning like  _she's_  the expectant parent, "we have something to tell you guys." Leonard's eyebrows furrow in confusion as he looks to his wife for guidance, but she continues to beam like it's the damn Fourth of July. Bernadette and Bridget both have their heads tilted the  _exact_  same way, looking like the freaky twins from  _The Shining_. If I wasn't so out of it, I would giggle a little.

"Pay up," Howard breaks the silence, turning to Raj and holding his hand out expectantly. "Told you it wouldn't last a year." Raj sighs in defeat and begins to fish in his pocket for his wallet, which awakens the explosive hormonal rage simmering inside me, and I lunge at the smarmy little shit.

"We're  _not_  breaking  _up_ , you pint sized dip-shit!" I growl, feeling Sheldon's hesitant hands settle over my shoulders to 'hold me back.' Of course, we all know that if I really wanted to, I could snap the giant string bean like a twig, but I'll let the man have his moment of, um, manliness.

"Penny," Sheldon sighs resignedly, "I implore you to refrain from giving in to the pull of your Nebraskan rage and take hold of your senses." I spin on my heel to glare up at him and watch him stumble backward a little as Howard stares blankly between us.

"So…what then?" He demands, looking impatient and more than a little irritated that he's not getting a payout. I feel Sheldon's fingers tighten on my shoulders and suddenly, I'm grateful he's right here and I want nothing more than to drag him to his spot and curl up in his lap.

Now, anyone who has ever dated me will tell you that I'm not much for cuddling. I once made a guy cry because he wanted to 'talk about our goals' while lying in each other's' arms. I told him I was allergic to talking about my goals and grabbed my shit. So, I can only deduce that this sudden need to cuddle up to Ol' Moon-Pie here is related to the tiny, fresh grown Cooper that is currently residing in my lower regions.

Oh God. Now I'm picturing a lima bean sixed Sheldon with a helium voice and it's making me laugh. Psych Ward? Room for one, please!

"Penny is pregnant," Sheldon blurts, making me cringe. Everything is completely silent all of a sudden and everyone is gaping at us while I gnaw furiously on my lower lip (nearly to the point of drawing blood). A moment later, the guys crack up, sharing grins and looking at us.

"Bazinga…right?" Leonard chuckles, nodding at Sheldon approvingly. "That was a good one! You  _almost_ had me—" He cuts off seeing the look of pure death on my face. Seeing the need for intervention, Amy intervenes, exhaling slowly.

"Leonard," She begins gently, "I may be going out on a limb here, but the attractively intense look on Penny's flawless face indicates that this is  _not_  a joke." And once again, we have complete awkward silence. We should do this more often. I adore feeling like a complete freak show. (Sarcasm.) Raj stares forlornly into his bottle, while Howard's eyes are fixed on Sheldon and I, obviously trying to figure out  _how_  this happened. The poor bastard probably still expected Shelly Bean to reproduce via Mitosis.

"You're  _pregnant?"_  Bernadette shrieks, suddenly popping back to life as she springs from her seat and flies into my arms. Amy follows suit immediately, sandwiching me from the other side and edging poor Sheldon out with her butt.

"We should start discussing names," Amy says pragmatically, "I've already made a list of middle names that sound good with 'Amy'."

"Uh, I think it's a little early—" I start weakly, only to be cut off.

"I have a baby name book at home!" Bernadette adds, giving Howard a triumphant look, "We can finally rip the plastic off of it."

"Isn't it a little soon to be—"

"Nonsense," Amy interjects, "As the future godmother of that child, I can't think of any reason to wait. I'm partial, I suppose, to Amy Marie, but I think Amy Victoria could also be a viable option."

"Honey, I'm just barely processing that we're  _having_  a baby," I plead gently, looking over at Sheldon, "I need to sit down, I think."

"I need a drink," Leonard mutters.

"Agreed," Howard chimes in as Raj just nods. We all settle into our seats, trying to regain some semblance of normalcy.

That's when the phone rings.

I notice Sheldon wince as he checks the caller I.D. and I realize it must be his mother. He and I share a quick glance, before he answers. Everyone else pretends they're not listening, concentrating only on eating the pizza, which smells like Heaven with pepperoni on top. Who can concentrate on what Sheldon is saying to his mother when there's cheesy, delicious pizza sitting right in front of me.

"Hi Mom," I hear him saying, "I'm actually glad you called because I have something to tell you…" He stops, huffing in exasperation. "No, and it's the  _Higgs_ Boson Particle. Not  _Hogs_ Bassoon Particle…" His blue eyes meet mine as he shakes his head in frustration.

Yeah, can't  _wait_  to see him try to talk to a toddler. (sarcasm) Oh God. What if it's a girl?

" _Daddy, come play dolls with me?"_

" _You're not supposed to take them out of the box!"_

Oh shit. Oh balls. Oh sweet leaping  _Jesus!_  And then there's me. The anti-parent. The girl who once babysat her nephew by playing 'dog' with him. (Which meant I talked to my boyfriend on the phone for two hours while he hung out in the dog's kennel.)

Good aunt.

"Mom! I don't know whether or not Missy is acting strange. I live in California and she lives in Texas with you." At my impatient look, he clears his throat again, "Listen, Mom…I really need to—" Forgetting my beloved pizza, I wrestle the phone out of his hand and take it.

"Hey Mary, it's Penny," I say into the receiver, watching the color leave her goofball son's face.

"Hey, Darlin'! I was just tellin' Shelly that Missy's been actin' real strange. I was kinda hopin' he could tell me somethin', because when I checked our phone bill, I noticed quite a few long distance calls with the same area code as y'all's. So, I was thinkin' she was callin' you two, but Sheldon says she isn't."

"Oh, uh…" I look to Sheldon for guidance and he purses his lips, and arrogantly raises his eyebrows at me as if to say, 'I told you so.' I punch him in the knee, making him yelp a little, whining to Leonard, who still kind of looks like he's been hit over the head with a frying pan. "I don't know…"

"So, Shelly says he has to tell me somethin'," Mary goes on, changing the subject, "You know I love the boy, Penny, but if I have to pretend to know anything about that particle stuff, I ain't real sure how."

"Actually," I sigh, closing my eyes. Better get used to this. There're a lot of other people to tell. Of course, I  _could_  just have the kid and get around to it sometime after the birth…maybe when it graduates high school or something. "Okay. Um, Mary…look. We're…I'm…" I stop and shake my head, trying to regain my wits.

"Oh my sweet Lord…" I hear her breathe, and I don't know what to say. "Are you pregnant?"

Now, I've been asked this question a few times in my life. My parents have asked me. Sheldon asked me once in the emergency room.

" _Are you sure? You're looking a little puffy."_

But, I've never had to say 'yes' before, and frankly, I'm a little scared. Yes, I'm married. Yes, I'm twenty-seven. And yes, I make more money than my entire family combined. But still! I'm having a  _baby!_  In a few short months, a  _person_  is going to come out of my hoo-ha. That's  _scary!_

"Yeah," I finally respond, letting out the breath I didn't know I was holding. And I kick Sheldon a little to make  _him_  breathe as Mary lets out the mother of all shrieks.

" _Missy! Momma!"_  I hear her cry out, obviously speaking to Sheldon's sister and grandmother, "We got us a  _baby_ comin'!" Is it weird that I hear Sheldon correcting her grammar in my mind? "Oh,  _Honey!"_  She cries, talking to me again, "I been prayin' for this since y'all got married! I just never dreamed it'd be so  _soon!"_

"So, you're…happy…?" I ask, watching color sort of return to Sheldon's cheeks.

"Oh, happy don't even  _begin_  to describe it, Sugar! I been wantin' a grandbaby for a long time now…and the fact that the first one is Shelly's, well…it's somethin' special, ain't it?"

That's when I feel it. The first twinge of excitement. This is  _okay._  This is  _good._ Sheldon and I love each other. We're married. Happy. Financially set. And now, there's gonna be another Cooper that's a little be me and a little bit him. And that's  _good._  Oh, don't get me wrong…I'm still scared out of my  _freaking_ mind, but I am scared in a good way.

"Yeah," I agree, wiping my burning eyes, "Yeah it is. Do you want to talk to Sheldon?"

"Sure, honey, we'll talk later, won't we?" Mary asks, and I can hear Missy and MeeMaw talking excitedly in the background.

"Yes, of course we will!" I nod, sniffing and handing the phone back to Sheldon, who looks worried still.

"Does she know?" He asks in a hushed voice. I nod and watch him swallow.

"H-hello?" He practically whispers, making me roll his eyes. Obviously, he thinks he's in trouble too. But, judging by the shrieks of joy on the other side of the line, I'd say he's good. I turn back to my friends, noticing Leonard looking a little nervous, but more normal than he had a few minutes ago.

"So, a baby," He says, taking a bite of pizza, a glancing at Amy, who is  _still_ beaming from ear to ear.

"When did you find out?" Bridget asks, taking Raj's pepperoni off of the side of his plate. (He's a just cheese kind of guy).

"This afternoon," I explain, taking a bite of the soothing, amazing pizza and giving Leonard a sheepish look. "I kind of took an entire box of your guys' pregnancy tests."

"Luckily, we're stocked up, right?" Amy says to Leonard, waggling her eyebrows at him. He chuckles, despite his shock.

"Yeah, we're good through the century," He agrees, patting her knee. I wonder for a second, what it would be like if Amy and Leonard were the ones sitting here and telling us they're having a baby. Leonard would be freaking out about how he's going to screw it up while Amy starting making plans to name it 'Penny'. (God help me. I love that girl, but she has her own bag of goofy.)

"Hi MeeMaw," I hear Sheldon say, gulping a little, "Yes, as soon as we find anything out, we'll tell you. Of course we're not going to wait until it's born to find out the gender!" He shakes his head, "Can you imagine? No, obviously I realize there were no ultrasounds when you had children, but there are now, and—" He stops talking, looking like a guilty little boy. "No, I am not sassin' you, Ma'am." I snicker, meeting Leonard's eyes. It feels good that he and I can share our love of making fun of Sheldon's crazy. "Yes, I love you too, MeeMaw. We will call you soon. I will give Penny your love." He hangs up the phone and we all stare at him expectantly.

"She wants us to call her after the first exam," He says, setting the phone aside and staring forlornly at his pizza. "It's practically cold now," He laments, like the giant six year old he is.

"You know," I say, patting his arm tiredly, "That black box over there is called a  _microwave…_ it's a magic machine that makes food warm!" Raising his eyebrow, he glares at me.

"But it makes the pizza soggy," He whines. It oddly makes me feel better, because in some weird, fucked up way, it reassures me that I can mother a kid. If I can deal with Dr. Whack-A-Doodle's crazy, I can  _totally_  deal with a kid. I just hope  _he_  can.

"I'll put it in the toaster oven," I offer, feeling my spirits rise ever so slightly. But he shakes his head, sighing heavily again.

"No, no…I'll just  _endure_  it," He mumbles, biting into the pizza as if he's on  _Fear Factor._

That's right ladies. I married that. Six feet two inches of superhero T-Shirt wearing, comic book loving, neurotic scientist weirdo. Jealous?

Well, you should be. Because I love him. Even if he is a kook. He makes me laugh, and despite the fact that he  _is_  certifiable, he is the most adorable, thoughtful, wonderful person I've ever known.

Wow, these pregnancy hormones have me going all sentimental. Sorry about the gagfest!

"Aw, poor Moon-Pie…" I say, "You want some Mountain Dew?" His eyes light up at the prospect of his beloved sugary drink. Before he can get up, I get up off of the couch and cross to the fridge, pulling out a can.

"Look at you," Amy says adoringly, "Maternal and patient…you exude the unmistakable aura of fertility and happiness. And now you're going to gift the world with a child of equal radiance."

"Is she serious?" Bridget whispers to Bernadette, who just kind of shakes her head as I hand my baby daddy his Mountain Dew and sit next to him again, reaching for the pizza again.

That's when  _my_  cell phone rings.

_Home._

I haven't talked to my parents in a week, and they usually only call me when something is wrong, so I worry for like 0.000005 seconds. Until I answer and my mom lets out a shriek to end all shrieks.

"We just heard the  _news!"_  She cries into the phone, sounding like she just won the lottery. But I'm confused. I mean, obviously I  _have_  news, but I haven't  _told_ anyone yet…Maybe my mother has been hiding some sort of psychic abilities and we're all going to be  _rich._

"Um, what news?" I ask, deciding to play dumb. Because if it  _isn't_ about this thing, and I blurt something out about having a tenant in my downstairs area, Mom is going to render me deaf.

"Mary just called us! The  _baby!"_  She screams, making me hold the phone away from my ear. I notice Leonard smirk a little, because the entire room can hear what she's saying. Of course Mary Cooper called my parents. Dear  _Lord_  that woman works fast.

"Oh yeah. That," I say, slumping against Sheldon's side and shaking my head. My mother then proceeds to attack with a barrage of questions.

"When did you find out? When are you due? What did Sheldon say?"

"Mom!" I laugh, despite myself, rolling my eyes. "I literally found out like four hours ago, okay? I have no idea when I'm due, but I  _think_  I'm like eight-ish weeks or something. And Sheldon was just as surprised as I was."

"Again, I wasn't surprised," Sheldon inserts, giving me a pointed look. I make a motion with my fingers for him to zip it. Another round of questions follows.

"When is your first ultrasound? Are you going to find out if it's a boy or a girl?"

"Okay, um…tomorrow and yes," I say, trying to keep up. I'm kind of afraid of what will happen once this kid shows up. Oh God…my mother and Mary Cooper are going to end up living with us like a double Mrs. Wolowitz nightmare. I'll have to tell Darcy soon so I can have an ally against the freight train that is my mother and Sheldon's.

"Your father wants to talk to you. Tell Sheldon I love him and we're so excited!" She gushes, making me cringe. "Love you, Penny!"

"Okay, love you, Mom," I reply weakly, feeling a little overwhelmed by her energy.

"Hey, Slugger!" Dad's sane voice comes on the line, "Look at you makin' me a grandpa."

"You're already a grandpa, Dad," I remind him, "Remember? Tall, gangly kid attending M.I.T.?"

"Ah yeah, I know Penny, but you're the baby! I mean, it's great Darcy finally found a good guy, even if he  _is_  a little gloomy, but I think you're gonna be a great mom, kid."

"At least one of us does, Dad," I chuckle, playing with my hair absently. "I'm scared, shitless."

"Oh, hon…I'd be worried if you weren't," He adds, laughing, "Raising kids is hell, but you're gonna love it."

"We'll see…" I laugh, "I'll call you guys tomorrow after my doctor appointment." We hang up and I  _finally_  get to finish my pizza, which  _is_  cold. But I don't even care. At this point, I am so hungry, I can't even stand it. Raj and Amy are discussing a possible trip to some upscale baby boutique to look at pageant dresses.

 _Please_  be a boy, Mini Cooper. Please? I don't think I can go  _Toddlers and Tiaras_ , okay?

The rest of the night is a daze for me. Leonard and Amy finally leave around ten, and Leonard pulls me into a hug.

"I'm happy for you, Penny," He tells me, kissing my cheek.

"Thanks, Sweetie…I'm still in shock, but I think I'm starting to come around," I exhale slowly and shut the door, locking it when they're gone and turning back to Sheldon, who is wiping the counter with a Clorox wipe and a vague expression on his face.

"How ya doin' over there, Snickerdoodle?" I ask, sauntering toward him with my hands shoved into the pockets of my sweats.

"Penny," He says, setting the wipe in the trash can and looking up at me, "How  _am_ I doing? I am  _doing_  fine. My concern is now for your well-being and the health of our offspring."

"That's so romantic," I answer dryly, suddenly feeling the need to be held. I need sweet, endearing Sheldon not biting, condescending Sheldon. Feeling brave, I lift my shirt and glance down at my stomach, which really doesn't look any different than usual. Maybe a  _little_ bloated, but pretty much flat. It's the boobs that are freaking me out. "Will you come with me tomorrow? My appointment is at noon."

"I will take a vacation day," Sheldon concedes, turning off the kitchen light and waiting for me to join him as we walk to the bedroom. "We'll have to convert your old bedroom into a nursery."

"One step at a time, Sheldon," I tell him firmly, linking my arm through his. "I still need to kind of grasp the fact that it's  _real."_

Right before I fall asleep, I get a text from Darcy (who has no doubt heard from my mother).

_**So I hear you got one in the oven. How's the projectile vomiting treating you?** _

I respond that I haven't had any and receive a quick answer.

_**Bitch. Congrats baby sister! Love u.** _

Grinning to myself, I roll onto my side and mash myself up against Sheldon's side, which I'm sure he just loves. But, if he has a complaint, he doesn't voice it (for once) as he moves his arm so I can get closer and hook my leg over his.

"You ready for this?" I ask into the darkness.

"Ready for what?" He asks, sounding confused and making me smile, despite the fact that he's about as clueless as the dudes in  _Three Men and a Baby._

"Your  _kid…_ you. Me. Mom. Dad. Baby," I rattle off. He's quiet for a few moments, but finally, I feel him release the breath he was obviously holding.

"Penny, as I excel in so many things, I can only deduce that I will be a satisfactory parent. Not to mention, we do have at least seven months left before the birth."

"Sheldon," I gasp, "This time next year, there will be a  _baby_  in this house. Like screaming, crying, pooping."

"Yes, that is usually what infants do," Sheldon agrees. "It's too much to hope for a child that is born with the natural capability to clean itself." Rolling my eyes, I smack him and feel my eyes grow heavy. When I close them, I have a vision of Sheldon and I taking care of a dark haired baby. Well, I hope this kid is ready, because he or she is going to have to deal with crazy from all angles.

But then again, maybe it won't. Maybe Sheldon  _will_  excel at being a parent. Maybe I  _won't_  screw it up and make it want to flee the state when it turns eighteen. But in all honesty, I don't know. And I might be okay with not knowing. This person who is growing inside me right now is a stranger to me. But I have seven months to get to know it. It relieves me a little, because I have a little time. Granted, not much, but enough to wrap my mind around the fact that Sheldon and I are no longer Sheldon and Penny. We're Mom and Dad. In eighteen years, our kid will be an adult. I hope in a small way that the baby is more like me intelligence wise, or the world  _may_  be in trouble.

Watch out, everyone…another Cooper is on its way.


	9. The Serendipitous Reflection

 

* * *

**February 14, 2014**

"Penny!" I hear the door of the apartment open and close, followed by the jangling of keys.

"In the baby's room!" I call back, looking up from the spot I've claimed on the floor, surrounded by pillows. Flash is draped languidly over one of them, fast asleep as I sort through a box from the closet of what was once my room and before that, Leonard's room. A second later, a tall form stands silhouetted in the doorway and I glance up at my skinny goofball of a husband.

"Penny," He sighs, coming into the room as if I am the most frustrating thing he's ever had to deal with (clearly he needs to look in the mirror), "You shouldn't be on the floor like that. It's terrible for your vertebral alignment."

"My alignment is  _fine,_  honey," I assure him, pulling out one of my old yearbooks and cringing a little. "Freshman year. Would you go back if you could?"

"Penny, I didn't attend high school _,_ " He reminds me, "Of course not!" I always forget that Sheldon was a freaky genius kid who went straight from fifth grade into college. It's not like I could ever forget…he seems to remind me constantly how smart he is. "I am going to pick up dinner," He goes on, lingering near the door, "Chinese. Do you want your usual preference?"

"No," I say, setting the yearbook aside and unintentionally bumping Flash, who gives me a dirty look. "Sorry, baby," I gently scratch his ears. "Can you just get me an order of egg drop soup and an egg roll? I've been craving it."

"Very well," Sheldon nods, and I notice his eyes soften for a second, "But Penny? Please don't stay on the floor too long. Your back will hurt later, not to mention the germs—"

"I promise not too much longer. What time will Leonard and Amy be over?" I ask, neatly stacking all four of my high school yearbooks to the side.

"Leonard told me earlier that Amy did not go to work today as she's been feeling tired. If she's ill, I'd rather not take the risk of having her infect not only you, but  _me,_ " He prattles on, making me roll my eyes at him.

"I should go check on her," I muse, thinking aloud, only to be met with a hiss of disapproval from Dr. Whack-A-Doodle.

"I think  _not!"_  Sheldon folds his arms, trying ( _trying:_ Key word) to look authoritative. "You are  _pregnant,_ Penny."

"I  _am?"_  I exclaim in feigned surprised, looking down at my (very round) belly. Yep, there's definitely something in there and it's not Taco Bell. Although that does sound good right now…

Focus, Penny. You're tormenting your husband right now.

"Sarcasm?" He asks impatiently, but he knows damn well it is. I just stare at him.

"Sheldon, Amy is my best friend. If she's sick, I want to make sure she's okay," I insist, glaring at him challengingly. "I'll text her. That cool with you?"

"Are you asking if I approve?" He asks, looking confused. I have to suppress the urge to slap my hand to my forehead.

"Uh huh…"

"That is acceptable," I concedes while I scowl, returning my attention to the box. "I'll be back shortly." To my surprise, he crosses to me and crooks a finger under my chin, stooping to drop a quick kiss on my lips. Good Lord, he's come a long way in a year. But, at least I'm smiling again. "Don't stay on that floor, Penny!" His voice comes again from the hallway, but this time it makes me laugh. Reaching into the box, I retrieve something else, a thick, folded newspaper that's withering a little with age. It makes me smile, because it's part of the reason I'm here and this baby is kicking the crap out of my bladder.

It's the news article that linked Sheldon and I before we ever even knew one another.

_Youngest Stevenson Award Winner Earns PhD._

I can't help but smile, touching his sixteen year old face with my fingertip. On the third page is an article where I am featured with two other children as the second runner up in a national Junior Rodeo competition. Eighteen years later, here we are. Married. Happy. Pregnant.

You know, I never thought I'd be the type to be happy about being pregnant, but I don't mind it. I mean yeah, I can't see much of my feet anymore, my back hurts and I fart way more than is probably necessary…but I know it will be worth it. The 3D ultrasound picture of my son on the fridge reminds me of that every day. He looks like Sheldon. That much is obvious. He has his little slip of a nose and the same bowed lips. Amy is insistent he looks like me, but I don't see it. And that's okay. He's mine and that's all that matters.

His name is going to be Shane. It's the only name we agreed on, but it fits in a weird way. He'll have the exact same initials as his Daddy. My God I've turned into a sentimental pile of mush these past eight months. In a little under ten weeks, Shane will be sleeping in this room and I'll no longer have a uterus buddy. In a way, I'm relieved. My back won't ache. My face won't be swollen and I'll actually be able to see him when I talk to him instead of talking to myself like a crazy cat lady talks to her cats. (Although I'm not far off from that either, as Flash and I have a very vocal relationship…consisting of him meowing at me when I talk to him and me laughing hysterically.)

I set the newspaper aside and reach in once more, pulling out a purple notebook with sparkly stickers on the cover, gasping in surprise. This is a very old journal of mine. Probably from around the same time that I was in that news article. Flash lifts his head and bats half heartedly at the edge of my abandoned newspaper while I carefully open the spiral bound notebook.

_August 17, 1996_

Holy balls. I was ten!

_Today was fun. I made a friend. After the competition, Dad fell asleep, so I decided to walk around the hotel and go look in the gift shop with the money Gran gave me. There wasn't anything special in there, just a bunch of junk. I bought some candy and a Tiger Beat magazine with the Backstreet Boys again._

_Someday, I'm gonna marry Nick Carter. He's the cutest guy ever._

_After I went in the gift shop, I passed by a room with a bunch of people in it. It looked like some kind of a party or something. The people inside were looking for somebody, who was supposed to give a speech. The people were asking all the people in the lobby if they saw a boy. I didn't wanna get in trouble, so I was gonna go back upstairs so Dad didn't yell at me for leaving the room. It was storming outside too, so it was real dark outside._

_When I got in the elevator, there was someone else in the elevator with me. He was crouched in the corner, talking to himself a little. I felt bad for him because he looked scared. So I asked if he was O.K._

I stop reading the journal and look up for a second, trying to remember that day. The details are a little fuzzy, but slowly, they come back. I'd just gotten in the elevator and pushed the button to take me to the sixth floor, where my room had been with Dad. I'd seen the boy sitting on the ground in the corner, whispering to himself. So, being the adorably precocious (nosy) child I was, I'd approached him.

"Hey, you okay?" I'd said, crossing my arms and looking down at his lanky form. I can't imagine how I must have looked to him. Small and loud with a messy blonde braid and teeth that were a little too big for my mouth. I remember his eyes had been _huge,_  like he hadn't realized he wasn't alone.

"Oh, I'm perfectly fine. Granted my heart rate is accelerated to an obscene extreme and I'm slightly sweaty," He'd explained in a rapid tumble of words that had boggled my nearly eleven year old mind.

I turn back to the journal to see what else I'd written.

_When I asked him what was wrong, he told me he was supposed to give a speech and he was afraid of talking in front of people. I told him he should have someone come with him. He said that he couldn't, and that he was just going to have to drift into some funny word that I don't know. It sounded like Ab-scare-ity. But I don't think that was it._

Obscurity. I laugh at my ten year old self, shaking my head.

"If you're scared," I remember telling him, "You should bring a friend up to stand with you while you talk. You know, to hold your hand and stuff."

"Hold my  _hand?"_  He'd answered in horror, "Good Lord, I might as well just bathe in a tub of botulism. I'll just have to drift resignedly into obscurity."

"What's that?" I'd inquired, sitting beside him and pulling a bag of Skittles out of my bag from the gift shop. That had been when the lights had flickered and after a long clap of thunder, gone out. The elevator had shuddered to a halt, leaving my friend and me in darkness.

"Oh no…" He'd murmured, whimpering after another loud rumble of thunder.

"What's your name?" I'd asked, mostly to try and make him feel better.

"I'm Barry Allen," He murmured dazedly, "The fastest man alive."

"You  _are?"_  I'd replied in a hushed voice. I'd never heard of a Barry Allen, so this was all new to me. "How fast  _are_ you?!"

_He said his name was Barry Allen and he was the fastest man alive. I don't know though…my brother can run pretty fast. One time I saw Tim run away from one of the horses when it got mad. It was so funny. I tried to give some Skittles to Barry but he didn't want any. I think he doesn't like thunder very much because every time we heard it he made a sound like he was afraid. I felt bad, so I asked him if he liked music. He didn't answer, so I started to tell him about the Backstreet Boys and how my favorite song was Everybody because it was cool. I said I'd sing it for him if he wanted me to, but he asked if I knew a song called Soft Kitty. I don't know any songs about cats._

Oh my God. I look up from the journal with wide eyes, staring blankly at the big scrawl of ten year old Penny, trying to process what I just realized.

Barry Allen was Sheldon Cooper. Holy crap on a freaking cracker. I met Sheldon when I was ten years old. I'm married to the fastest man alive. The baby moves frantically inside me, making the side of my mountainous stomach twitch. That always weirds me out. In a cool way, though. Not a creepy  _Alien_  way. Ew.

But oh my God…Sheldon and I  _knew_ each other before…sort of. The "party" must have been his ceremony for his Ph.D. That was why "Barry" was giving a speech. That was why he was hiding in the elevator. Sheldon can't speak in front of crowds (unless he's drunk, but then clothes start coming off and things get ugly). And now – because I'm a giant hormonal mess – I'm tearing up, because it only makes me love him more.

_That's when the lights came back on and the elevator door opened and a bunch of people were standing out there. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to Barry, but I hope his speech went O.K._

_Dad was still asleep when I got back to the room so I didn't get in trouble._

I hear the door open again, and the voices of Leonard and Amy, accompanied by Sheldon's come from the living room. A moment later, three figures stand in the door, and one of them is giving me a  _very_ displeased look.

Ah, bliss.

"Penny!" Sheldon sighs, moving to me and holding his hands out to me. "I specifically told you not to stay on the floor too long." I accept his offer of help and struggle to my feet, feeling a tad top heavy (because I am).

"Yeah, but since when do I listen to you, MoonPie?" I grin, sticking my tongue out at him as he rolls his eyes before leaning closer to my ear so Leonard and Amy can't hear him.

"You seemed to listen last night," He murmurs, sounding positively un-Sheldon and completely devilish. It kind of sends a thrill from my head to my toes. Sneaky little shit. He knows how to push my buttons. Always has. But I can't let him win, so I slowly grab the collar of his shirt and bring him down to my level.

"I demand a rematch," I whisper, kissing his nose and smirking, "Later." The shock is evident in his clear blue eyes. From behind him, I hear the gentle sound of Amy clearing her throat.

"When the two of you are done with your delightful pseudo-sexual banter, Leonard and I will be in the living room eating," She informs us, and I catch her eye over Sheldon's shoulder. She winks and leaves.

"Well, she seems to be feeling better," I muse, patting Shelly's cheek and stepping away from him. He looks behind him, where they'd stood a moment before.

"Leonard says she's been acting strange all day. She went to the doctor earlier, and he said when he got home, she had a significantly better disposition."

"That's good…right…?" I ask, mostly just to frustrate him. I know what it means. I'm a writer now. I have a book and everything.  _The Big Bang Theory._

"Yes," Sheldon assures me, not taking the bait, though he does quirk an eyebrow at me. "Come on, let's eat before my food is cold."

"Yes, God forbid," I tease, wrapping an arm around his slender waist. I remember when  _I_  had a slender waist…sigh.

Leonard and Amy are sitting close on the couch, while I sink into the armchair, which is a little more comfortable lately, because it's easier for me to get up from. Sheldon, of course, sits in his spot, because he's a whack job.

One good thing about being hugely pregnant is the advantage of having a built in T.V. table right in front of you. I balance my plate atop my middle and eat my egg roll contentedly, as Sheldon turns on the T.V. to find something for us to watch. Howard and Bernadette are looking at houses (finally), and Raj is out with Bridget for the night. So, it's just the four of us, and we're all too tired to care.

"Oh my God!" Leonard cries, making all of us turn to look at him, "You guys, do you know what today is?"

"Friday?" I ask, nodding down at the Chinese food.

"It's  _Valentine's Day,"_ He says, glancing apologetically at his wife, who is still looking damn pleased with herself. What has gotten into her? "I'm sorry, Sweetie," Leonard says to her, "I completely forgot."

"Damn, so did I!" I exclaim, touching Sheldon's knee with my toe. "Happy Valentine's Day, MoonPie." He looks up in confusion, staring at my toe as if it were a diseased foreign object. He certainly had no issue with it last night, when he—

Stop it, Penny.

"Well, now that we're all here, I have some good news myself," Amy announces, making me stop with my fork halfway to my mouth and dropping a few beansprouts onto my chest.

"Aw,  _damn,"_  I mutter, wiping them off and looking up at Amy. "What's your news, Ames?"

"I decided to go to the doctor this morning, as I had a headache, and being a neurobiologist, I know too well that headaches are often a sign of a tumor," She explains, sharing a nod with Sheldon (who is  _not_  a credible source as he is both crazy  _and_  a hypochondriac).

"Why didn't you tell me?" Leonard asks, concerned, "I would have come with you—"

"I saw no need to worry you," Amy replied stoically.

"Amy, we're married. How many times do I need to remind you that we can handle things together?"

"Oh, I wouldn't worry too much about that," She assures him, adjusting her glasses, "We'll be handling a lot together in the near future, Leonard."

"What's going on, Ames?" I ask impatiently, feeling agitated as the baby decides to tap dance, making it impossible for me to relax. Defeated, I set my food aside and struggle to sit up. Sheldon huffs in agitation, moving to help me…he's used to this now.

"Well, the doctor said he wanted to do blood work as he couldn't find any outward symptoms of illness," Amy goes on.

"So, what did he say?" Leonard prods, looking slightly (more) pale. Sheldon is also watching her, perching on the arm of my chair with his arms folded.

"Well," Her eyes meet mine, twinkling with mischief, "I have a slight condition," She turns back to her husband, "It's nothing to  _worry_  about, mind you…"

" _Condition?"_  Leonard cries, always the over thinker. I think I'm already catching on.

"Yes," She continues, "Apparently, I  _caught_  it while we were on vacation in January…at that bed and breakfast in Napa Valley."

"What? Are you sure?" Leonard asks, still not getting the picture, but I'm already grinning like a damn fool. I don't even bother looking at Shelly Bean because I  _know_  he doesn't get it.

"Blood work confirmed it," Amy nods, unable to contain her wry smirk. Leonard looks like he may be ill.

"Amy!" I laugh, rubbing my temple, "Take pity on the poor bastard!" Sheldon gives me a look of confusion.

"Leonard, I'm pregnant," Amy confesses bluntly. "It seems our little evening of Fifty Shades of Grey roleplaying has resulted in—" She pauses for a second, chuckling, "Well, I suppose at the moment it's considered an embryo, but around the end of September, there will be a tiny Hofstadter across the hall."

"Wait…" Leonard murmurs, shaking his head as if he's heard wrong, "So, you're saying that…you're…that we're…that we…that I'm…" I notice the glossy sheen of sweat on his forehead and his labored breathing as he stands up.

This can't be good.

"Sheldon…" I grab Sheldon's arm, pointing just as Leonard's eyes roll back in his head a little and he swoons. "Aw shit. Help him."

"Penny," Sheldon tells me, stooping to drag his former roommate off the floor, "I once threw my back out lifting a library book. Leonard may be small, but—"

"Shut up and help him," I growl, watching him struggle to pull Leonard off the floor and back into a sitting position on the couch. Sheldon taps him three times on the forehead.

"Leonard."

Three more taps.

"Leonard."

And…three more.

"Leonard."

"Here," I cut in, handing Sheldon my bottle of water, "Toss this on his face." Nodding, Sheldon uncaps it and unceremonious tosses a little onto poor Leonard's face. He moans a little, spluttering as he coughs. "Ya okay, honey?" I call out to him, pushing myself to my feet and rubbing my lower back, before waddling over to the kitchen.

"Um…" comes his weak response. Of course Amy would drop the bomb on him in front of his friends. What am I going to do with that girl? Then again, my revelation to  _my_  husband wasn't much better, even if his mom did save us the trouble of telling everyone else.

Seriously, Mrs. Cooper called my  _dentist._  I went in for a teeth cleaning and they gave me a balloon that said 'Congrats!' Oh, and  _Charlie!_  I don't even know how she got my boss's number, but she did and I got flowers the next day from the entire production staff of  _Home Planet._  Crazy runs in the family. I adore them.

"You're  _pregnant?"_  Leonard asks, his voice cracking slightly on the second word. Amy nods smugly, thoroughly satisfied with herself. "Oh my God…" But he's quieter now, sounding less terrified and more shocked? No, that's not the right word. Awed, maybe.

"Are you…okay with that?" Amy asks, for the first time sounding a little unsure.

"Well, we  _have_  been married for a year…I mean, it's not like we're  _newlyweds_  really anymore," Leonard concedes. "I'm just…I guess I'm just worried because…well, I'm not really sure if I'll be any good at it."

"Leonard,  _Sheldon_ is about to become a father," I point out dryly.

"Uh,  _excuse_  me!" Sheldon protests huffily. I thump him on the back, snickering.

"No offense, Sweetcheeks," I promise, "I'm no better. But we can all learn together. Like they do in sitcoms!" Moving around the table with all the subtlety of a blimp, I bump Leonard out of the way so I can hug Amy, muttering a quick apology as I do. "I'm so happy for you guys."

"I am quite content, even though the smell of Leonard's Sweet and Sour chicken is causing me to wretch," She laughs against my shoulder, pulling back. "Let's just hope it's a girl so she can marry your son and we can really be family."

"We already are!" I assure her, kissing her hair and reaching back for Leonard, who is still staring blankly at Amy as if he's been clubbed over the head. "Leonard," I chuckle, grabbing his elbow, "You gotta come to me, hon, I'm kind of a planet."

"A baby," He says again, in disbelief, "I can't believe it…"

"Really?" Sheldon interrupts dryly, "You can't  _believe_ it? You and Amy have been partaking in coit—"

" _Sheldon!"_  I hiss, giving him a death look.

" _Fine,"_  He grumbles, "Sex. You've been  _having sex_  for nearly two years. How can you not believe it?"

"I'm just…surprised," Leonard answers warily, rolling his eyes, "And thank you for ruining the moment."

"I do my part," Sheldon quips, though his voice doesn't have the venom it usually does when he's serious, and judging by the way Leonard's mouth is threatening to turn upward, he's on the verge of laughter too.

After dinner, Leonard and Amy leave together, to spend the rest of Valentine's Day together, and probably to come to terms with the fact that soon there will be a little Hofstadter spawn in their apartment. Once the door is locked, I move to clean off the coffee table, and get two cups and one cardboard container moved to the counter when I have to rest against one of the stools because I'm exhausted. The long day of sitting on the floor of the baby's room is finally catching up to me.

This kid is gonna be the death of me.

I start to walk back to the coffee table to finish cleaning and I'm met with a wall of Sheldon. Six feet two inches of pure Whack-A-Doodle blocking my path.

"Penny," His voice is quiet, but firm, "You need to  _rest."_

" _You_ need to rest…your mouth," I retort, but the exhaustion in my bones tells me he's right and I can feel myself slump a little, leaning against the counter.

"You are such an obtuse creature sometimes," Sheldon mutters, putting an arm around my shoulders and guiding me toward the bedroom. Sometimes, necessity outweighs pride and I pretty much hang on him, allowing him to support me in the short distance from kitchen to bedroom.

"Sheldon," I say, sitting on the edge of the bed while he retrieves our pajamas from the dresser. His Friday pajamas and my…everyday pajamas (which is basically a pair of basketball shorts and an old T-Shirt.

"Penny," He answers, looking up at me with half a grin. I absolutely love the playful side of Sheldon.

"Do you remember meeting a little girl in an elevator at the Hyatt Regency in Houston?" I ask, remembering my old journal. He looks up at me in confusion, and for a second, I wonder if I have it wrong. Maybe Soft Kitty is a Regional thing. Maybe kids in Texas are just naturally prone to being goofs. I don't know yet.

"I remember the first words my kindergarten teacher ever said to me, Penny. I have an eidetic memory," His eyebrows furrow, "The question is, how could you possibly know about that?" Relief floods through my system, making my fingers tingle with excitement.

"Well," I say, letting him help me out of my shirt and pants, and taking the T-Shirt from him, "Let me tell you a story." I grab my shorts and he holds them while I step into them. "When I was ten, I was in the Junior Rodeo National Championship in Houston…Dad and I stayed in the Hyatt Regency." I notice his eyes widen in recognition, "I met a boy named Barry Allen in the elevator during a thunderstorm."

"Penny…"

"That was you…wasn't it?" I ask, even though I already know the answer. The look on his face confirms it, making me laugh again. "How did your speech end up going, Barry?"

"It was…I got through it," He replies, still stunned. "MeeMaw was so proud, she took us all out for a steak dinner."

"My Dad was still asleep when I got back to the room," I admit, sitting with my back against the headboard. The baby chooses that exact moment to flail wildly, as if the sound of our conversation is getting him riled up. It makes me giggle a little. "Easy, Kid Flash," I give it an affectionate pat, "It's bedtime. According to the baby book, you're supposed to be sleeping most of the time."

"Penny, you forget this child has your genes too," Sheldon chuckles, buttoning the green plaid of his pajamas, "You have a natural inclination to defy. Case in point, this afternoon."

"Touchè, MoonPie," I snicker, slowly laying down. He turns off the lamp and turns onto his back, into the usual Dracula position. I reach tiredly for his hand, unable to drag my giant body over to him to cuddle. "Happy Valentine's Day," I add, remembering a day long ago when we'd spent the day together.

" _It was you! I touched you!"_

" _Happy Valentine's Day."_

That was four years ago. It doesn't even seem like the same lifetime. It wasn't really. It was pre-Amy. Leonard and I were dating (round one). Howard and Bernadette were barely dating. Raj was…well, Raj. He's finally come around since dating Bridget. He even talks to me without the influence of our friend Captain Morgan.

"Hmm yes," Sheldon agrees, "Happy Valentine's Day indeed. I am so glad you stopped saying Valentime's Day. It was getting quite monotonous."

"Shut up," I tell him, but I'm smiling like an idiot, grabbing him by the arm and pulling him toward me. He makes a sound of protest, but he doesn't hesitate, lying on his side facing me. "So tell me, Mr. Allen…are you really the fastest man alive?" A wicked gleam that I only ever seen when we're alone comes into his eyes, "Only when I need to be," He assures me, "But not to worry, I never rush."

"Oh I'm not worried at all," I snake my arm up and twine my fingers in the back of his soft, dark hair. "But, if you feel the need to prove it to me, I'm open to experimentation."

"Well then, Mrs. Cooper," He leans down and kisses my throat reverently, glancing up at me like a mischievous child, "Allow me." Gently, he pins my arms above me and kisses my nose, then both of my cheeks, making me snort with laughter as I remember a particularly eventful evening when our positions had been opposite, though at the time, we'd been on a double date…and we'd been dating  _other_  people at the time. "And Penny?"

"Yeah, MoonPie?"

"I  _win,"_  He gives me a look of triumphant arrogance, before pressing a heady kiss to my lips and pulling away. But it takes a lot more than that to take down Penelope Cooper.

"You just wait till the rematch, Tex," I lean up and nip lightly at his earlobe, "I will  _own_ you." He laughs, despite himself.

"If you hadn't noticed, Penny, you already  _do."_

And he's right.

* * *

 


	10. The Memorial Bathos

**May 2, 2020**

How do you secretly plan a birthday party for a guy with freaky Vulcan hearing? More importantly, how do you plan a birthday party when you’re almost eight months pregnant with number three? It ain’t easy, I’ll tell you that much. Especially when you have an almost seven year old who won’t let his two year old sister hang out with he and his friend. So, that’s what I’m dealing with this lovely afternoon as Amy and I sit at the table and try to get things together for the party later.

 

Thank God she keeps popping out little girls to keep my daughter busy. They’re all probably in Barbie heaven right now. (Or dressing up the cat like one of the Disney Princesses.) A loud cry of protest comes from the general direction of the bedrooms, making me share a look with Amy.

 

“Mom!” Shane huffs, storming into the kitchen with Olivia right behind him, glasses askew.

 

“Son?” I ask dryly as I cut some ribbon to add to the decorations.

 

“Dianna and the girls keep throwing toys in my room. We were trying to build the Lego Hogwarts that Gram sent for my birthday and they knocked down what we had! Pieces are _everywhere!”_   He insists as I groan.

 

“She just wants you to pay attention to her, Shane,” I remind him, “I’m sorry about your Legos.”  The giggle from the little blonde monster around the corner, however, tells me Dianna is _not_ sorry. Amy sets her daughter Bianca back into the baby carrier and gets up, peeking around the corner. Two little dark heads stare sheepishly up at her. Quinn and Fiona.

 

“It was Di’s idea,” Quinn says before Amy can say anything. Amy gives her daughter a blank look.

 

“She’s two,” Amy inserts dryly, glancing knowingly back at me. Quinn is kind of an evil mastermind…or she could be. That kid with her dark hair and blue eyes is going to be some kind of exotic beauty someday. At four years old, she knows how to manipulate Leonard into doing pretty much anything. It’s kind of funny actually, because if Leonard was a sucker for pretty girls when he was younger, he’s an even bigger sucker for _his_ girls.

 

A tall figure appears in the doorway, glancing around confused.

 

“What is going _on_ out here?” Sheldon asks, raising an eyebrow at his son, “Why did you scream?”

 

“Dianna knocked down my Lego Hogwarts with a Barbie,” He answers indignantly.

 

“We only had a few pieces together,” Olivia adds nervously, obviously trying to make peace as she adjusts her glasses.

 

“Brother won’t play with me!” Dianna insists in her stunted two and a half year old way of speaking. “He’s _mean.”_  

 

Speaking of suckers…Moon-Pie promptly turns and kneels down to face his daughter. (Ten years ago, this concept would have been ridiculous.)

 

“Well, that wasn’t very nice, was it?” He asks, making me stifle a snort of amusement. Sheldon can say he’s indifferent to a lot of things – Puppies. Romantic Comedies. Sweetest Day – but if there is one thing Sheldon Cooper is _not_ indifferent to, it’s his kids…specifically, his little blonde daughter.

 

“Nope,” comes Dianna’s response as she presents a well-practiced pout that I _know_ she must have learned from Quinn. Even Amy is trying to hide her grin as she ushers her two girls toward the table.

 

“How would you like to come and watch me work?” Sheldon asks, but Di shakes her head.

 

“No. Daddy play Barbies,” She states, smiling prettily at him and tilting her head. Oh, she _is_ good.

 

“And Mommy video tape,” I add dryly, earning a glare from my husband. Crooking my finger at my son, I beckon him toward me.

 

“Di is going to stay the night with Quinn and Fiona tonight. Olivia can sleep over if you guys play with the girls until they leave,” I tell him, “You can play Legos all night.”

 

“Mom, we’re not _playing_ Legos,” He corrects with a sigh, “We’re building a complicated Lego _structure.”_   I blink at him with a blank expression on my face.

 

“My bad,” I reply sardonically, “Take it or leave it, Kid Flash.”

 

“I’ll take it,” He agrees, softening and throwing his arms around my huge middle. “Thanks, Mom. You’re the best.”

 

“Yep,” I agree, ruffling his hair.

 

“What’s going on in here?” Sheldon asks, removing his reading glasses and pocketing them. This still makes me grin, because even though he essentially looks the same as he did when we met (aside from a few gray hairs), he now needs reading glasses, which is the most adorable thing ever. He hates them. He shouldn’t. That’s the worst he has to deal with at forty.

 

“Oh, the kids just wanted to decorate for your birthday dinner tonight. Fried chicken!”

 

“Well, as long as we eat early,” He agrees, nodding, “it’s Laundry Night.”

 

“No it’s not,” I grin, “I did the laundry last night.” I watch his eyes widen as he realizes what that means.

 

“Penny!” He whines, and I can see Amy snickering as she starts setting out some lunch for the kids while Moon-Pie prepares to whine about how I’ve stolen his precious Laundry Night so he can enjoy himself. “You did _all_ of that laundry yourself? It’s not good for you to be going up and down stairs and lifting things. You should have waited.”

 

“So, you’re not mad that I took away Laundry Night?” I ask, giving him half a smile.

 

“Spontaneity,” He reminds me, using our old saying, “But I _am_ angry that you insist on doing things you shouldn’t while pregnant. You’re not as young as you were when we had Shane!”

 

“Speak for your _self,_ Forty!” I laugh, gently smacking his arm. I pull him down by the collar, brushing a quick kiss to his lips (to a chorus of resounding “ews” from the offspring). “Happy Birthday, Sweetie.”

 

“Ugh, don’t _remind_ me,” He groans, rubbing his temples. “Forty.”

 

“But a very _cute_ forty,” I assure him, smirking. “Want some lunch?” He nods, and we turn back toward the table as he bends to scoop Dianna up onto his hip and put her in her high chair at the table. The phone rings as I’m moving toward the fridge. I’m closest, so I grab it and check the Caller I.D.

 

_Johnson, Zack_

“Hello?” I answer, cradling the phone on my shoulder as I open the refrigerator and reach for the milk.

 

“Penny?” Missy’s hushed voice comes over the line. My blood runs cold as I stop.

 

“Missy? Is everything okay…?”

 

“Is Shelly around?” She asks, almost whispering.

 

“Yeah, he’s right here,” I tell her, “Do you want to—“

 

“No,” She pauses and sniffs, “Not yet. Penny, MeeMaw’s dead.” I drop the gallon of milk as both Sheldon and Amy rush forward to pick it up while Missy keeps talking, “Momma went over there this mornin’ to have breakfast with her and she had gone in her sleep…I didn’t…I don’t wanna be the one to tell ‘im, Penny.”

 

“Okay…” I answer blankly, staring straight ahead, “I’ll let him know,” I hear myself say.

 

“I have to tell the boys,” Missy sighs, sniffing. “I’ll talk to you later.”

 

“Happy Birthday,” I manage to tell her quietly.

 

“Yeah,” She responds, before hanging up. I dazedly press ‘End’ and turn to see Sheldon standing right beside me, looking at me in question.

 

“Was that Missy?” He asks, furrowing his eyebrows in bemusement. Slowly, I nod. I look over at Amy, who seems to get what I need and she gives me an acknowledging nod. Grabbing Sheldon’s hand, I silently lead him from the room and back into his office. “Penny, what is going on?” He demands worriedly with his hands on my shoulders. My eyes well up, because how the hell do you tell your husband that the grandmother he _adores_ is dead?

 

“Your Mom called Missy just a few minutes ago,” I start, wiping at my eyes futilely. “She went to have breakfast with MeeMaw this morning.”

 

“So? My mother has breakfast with MeeMaw every Saturday,” He explains in confusion, “That’s hardly out of the ordinary.”

 

“No,” I sigh, trying to regroup. My heart is racing and the baby is really, _really_ active so I’m having a little bit of trouble catching my breath. “Honey,” I swallow, grabbing his hand, “Baby, she’s ninety-seven years old and she hasn’t been feeling too well lately…”

 

“All things considered, MeeMaw is in great health. She doesn’t even wear glasses,” He replies defensively, frowning down at me. “Is she all right? Has she fallen ill?” His eyebrows rise. “What did Missy say, exactly?” I burst into tears. I’m pregnant. My emotions are shit on a good day. I can’t handle this right now. “Penny?”

 

I blink quickly and try to gather my breath as Sheldon guides me into the chair, kneeling beside me and grabbing the box of tissue off of his desk. I have to pull it together for him. I don’t want the kids to hear and get scared. Shane is really smart, but he’s still a six year old boy. “Sheldon,” I smother the sob in a tissue, “MeeMaw passed away in her sleep last night. I’m so sorry, Honey.”

 

He looks like I’ve slapped him. I’ve only seen this expression on Sheldon’s face a couple of times in the nearly thirteen years we’ve known each other. It’s his lost child expression and it scares the crap out of me. This is a forty year old father of (almost) three. He’s not an awkward, reclusive scientist anymore. He has friends. A family. A freaking Nobel Prize. And yet, here he is, the same kid who got locked in a hen house when he was a little boy as a cruel prank.

 

“There must be some mistake,” He murmurs, his confusion making my chest ache. I’m already reeling. I was close with his grandmother too. “I just spoke with her the night before last. She was feeling great.”

 

“It was her time,” I answer, pressing the tissue to my burning eyes. I hate that expression. ‘It was her time.’ Who decides whose time it is? Why do some people live longer than others? Why do good people die when there are murderers who live longer lives? Nothing is fair, but it’s life. Life isn’t fair. If life was fair, my grandmother would have lived to see ninety-seven. If life was fair, Howard and Bernadette would be able to have more than one child. If life was fair, my brother-in-law George wouldn’t have tried to kill himself back when Shane was a baby.

 

But life _isn’t_ fair.

 

And death is inevitable. We all have to deal with death in our short lives. It really hurts that MeeMaw is gone, but it’s also beautiful in a way, because she touched so _many_ people in her long, happy life. She loved a wonderful man named Arthur Lee (who I never knew) and married him. She had a son and two daughters who gave her grandchildren and later, great-grandchildren. She believed in a little boy who thought nobody would ever understand him and she helped shape him into the Nobel Prize winner he’d become. She even made a waitress with no direction in life remember what having a grandmother was like. Helena Eugenia Carter Lee made her life count. Without her, the people I love the most in this world wouldn’t be in this house right now. And for that, I will always be grateful to her.

 

But it doesn’t hurt any less that she’s gone. Sheldon sinks into his desk chair, leaning forward and burying his face in his hands. He’s not crying, but I can hear his deep breaths and, even though he’s come a _long_ way since we met, I can tell he’s not sure how he’s supposed to react to this. I pull myself together and drag myself out of the chair I’m sitting in, walking around his desk to put a hand on his shoulder. My eyes fall to the picture on the corner of his desk. It’s a photo from Dianna’s first birthday almost two years ago. I know why he has that picture on his desk. It has all of us in it. MeeMaw had the baby on her lap while we all crowded around her, laughing because Di decided to decorate Daddy’s hair with a dollop of blue frosting. Sheldon was not thrilled with having blue hair, but he’s grinning anyway. Even George is smiling in the photo, holding Shane on his shoulders.

 

“Do you want me to go book a flight to Texas?” I ask, biting my lip and starting to move toward the door. He surprises me by reaching out and grabbing my arm to stop me. When I look back, his eyes are wide and terrified, full of unshed tears. I nod knowingly, standing in front of his chair as he wraps his arms around my giant middle and rests his cheek against the spot where my heart is pounding. He gives nothing away other than a barely audible sniff. “I know,” I sigh tiredly, petting his hair, “I know.”

 

 

The next morning, we arrive in Houston and we’re shocked when there’s a car waiting for us sent by George. Our luggage is already taken care of for us, so it’s an easy ride to Galveston. Both kids sleep the entire drive there. Sheldon still isn’t speaking much, but he’s putting on a brave face for the kids. It still hasn’t really sunken in for Shane that MeeMaw is gone, but I know he’s upset. When I told him last night, he got really quiet, but all he said was, “Is Dad okay?”

 

I place my hand over Sheldon’s and give him a reassuring smile. He doesn’t return it, he just looks back out the window, making me want to curl up under a blanket and sleep for a year. Missy is waiting for us when we get to the house, because she, Zack and the kids came on the red eye this morning. _She’s_ red eyed and tired looking, but she smiles at us, scooping up Dianna and cuddling her. Missy has two boys, so any chance she gets to have girl time with Di or even my sister Darcy’s daughter Amelia, she takes.

 

“How was the flight?” She asks us, looking hopefully up at her brother, who ignores her and stalks past, into the house. I give her an apologetic look.

 

“He’s still a little out of it,” I explain, watching Shane take off to play with his cousins. Missy shakes her head, setting Di down so she can go to Mary. “He hasn’t said two words since yesterday.”

 

“I knew he wasn’t gonna take it well…” She takes a breath. “Well, I’m just glad it was peaceful. She wasn’t sick or suffering. Ya know?”

 

“Absolutely,” I agree, following her into the kitchen and finding a young woman I don’t recognize in there, cleaning. She turns around, startled by the sound of us looking sheepish.

 

“Penny, this is Annie,” Missy explains, yawning, “She’s George’s…”

 

“Friend,” Annie inserts quickly, making my mouth twist into a wry smirk as I meet Missy’s eyes. She manages half a smile.

 

“Friend,” She allows, patting my arm, “Listen, Penny…I’m not feeling great. Haven’t slept in over twenty-four hours. M’gonna go lie down.”

 

“Go for it, the kids are already outside, probably getting themselves covered in mud,” I groan, hearing the laughing shrieks of the boys and glancing out the kitchen window. Yep. Shane is already half filthy while Tyler and Jeremy are almost completely covered. Why is it that the boys always flock to the giant mud hole in the middle of the yard caused by the rain last night rather than the nice green grass ten feet away? That’s when I notice a little blonde girl sitting off to the side with a book in her hands, watching the boys wrestle as if she can’t believe they’re all playing together. She’s a pretty little thing with her hair in two braids and big, sad blue eyes.

 

When I look back, I notice Annie frowning as she looks at the girl. They must go together, though this girl looks way young to have a kid that age…and I have a sister who had a kid at fifteen. “She yours?” I ask, moving to the kitchen table and sitting down, glad for the relief on my back. Damn kid’s huge and I have two more months before he or she comes. (This one is going to be a surprise. Long story short, I won an argument and got my way with it. It’s killing Sheldon, but it will be worth it.)

 

“My sister,” Annie answers, startled as she turns back toward me, “Half-sister.”

 

“You know, you don’t have to clean,” I tell her, “I’m Penny Cooper. Sheldon’s wife.” I hold my hand out for her to shake, which she hesitantly takes.

 

“Annie Sheffield.”

 

“You know, Annie,” I say, “I’m pretty sure Mary isn’t down with making her guests do housework.” I nod toward the cleaning rag on the counter.

 

“Oh, I…” She looks helplessly at the drying dishes, “I didn’t know what else to do. George insisted on us coming here, and I felt like I should be doing something to help. He and Mrs. Cooper have been so great to us.”

 

“How did you two meet?” I ask nosily, reaching for the bowl of Chex Mix on the table and diving in. (Eating for two. Don’t judge me.) She looks terrified for a moment. I study her. She’s beautiful. Like porcelain doll beautiful. Delicate. Tiny. Her hair is a warm mahogany color but her eyes are something else. They’re this insane aquamarine color. But what gets me is even though this girl is beautiful, she is _so_ not George’s type. For one thing she’s not a chesty, plastic skank. For another, she’s so _sweet._

 

“I’m trying to get custody of my sister,” Annie explains resignedly, “My mother is…not fit to be a parent. I kind of just took her, and well,” She sighs, “George helped us out of a tight spot and he’s really been too generous.”

 

“You’ve been staying with him?” She nods, swallowing. That’s when I see it in her eyes. She’s already in love with him. She may not know it, but she is. I’ve seen that look a few times in my life. I saw it when Leonard looked at Amy back when they first got together. I saw it at Howard and Bernadette’s wedding. I saw it when Darcy met Stuart (still trying to figure that shit out), and I saw it in Sheldon’s eyes the day we got married.

 

“It’s not like that, though. He’s just being nice,” She insists, “He knows that Holly and I are getting our own place as soon as possible.”

 

“Is that what you want?” I chance, watching her reaction closely and shoveling another handful of Chex into my mouth. I see her face fall slightly and I have my answer. Even though she fakes a smile and nods.

 

“Of course,” She says softly, “I would never want to be a burden on him.”

 

“George has a pretty successful contracting business,” I remind her gently, placing my hand over hers, “Somehow, he found out that what he’s really good at is making money. I don’t think you’d be a burden if you had ten kids with you, hon. How long has it been?”

 

“Two months,” She admits, looking down.

 

“If you’re still there and he hasn’t said anything, it’s because he wants you there, Annie,” I murmur, squeezing her hand.

 

“It’s not right,” She shakes her head, “We need to make our own way. Holly is already too attached to him, and—“

 

“And you?” I ask seriously. “You’re already too attached too…aren’t you?” When she looks up at me, she is terrified and I take pity on her, drawing her into a hug. “It’s okay, honey. These Cooper men, they have this sick way of drawing you in and making you love them, despite the fact that they’re bat crap crazy.” I pull back, looking into her eyes, “But if you let them, they will love you back with everything they have inside them.” She doesn’t answer this, but I don’t have a chance to say anything else, because both Coopers in question come into the kitchen.

 

“Everything alright in here?” George asks, eyeing us strangely as we pull away from each other. I jump in, always ready with a cover story.

 

“Oh, yeah,” I wave my hand dismissively, laughing, “Annie was just telling me she thinks the kids are cute and I was thanking her. Damn pregnancy hormones.” My eyes move to Sheldon, who is still quiet and sullen, but he looks slightly more alive than he did when we got here. “Hey, Shelly.”

 

“ _Penny,_ ” He groans, but it makes me grin, because it’s the first normal response I’ve seen out of him since yesterday. “George has asked me to accompany him on an excursion to retrieve alcoholic beverages at the local convenience store.” I hear George snicker.

 

“Okay, have fun,” I tell him, patting his arm. George gives Annie a lingering look of worry, before leaving with my husband.

 

“You understood that?” Annie asks, looking surprised. “What did he mean?”

 

I laugh out loud, despite myself. “You mean, all of that mumbo jumbo about excursions and retrieving?” She nods, to which I state simply, “Beer run.” Her eyebrows raise and her mouth falls slightly open. “I know,” I chuckle, “After almost nine years together, I’ve learned to translate. I’m now fluent in goofball.”

 

“You must really love each other,” She muses, smiling slightly. I shrug.

 

“He’ll do,” I agree, patting my belly, “And at this point, he’s kind of stuck with me. Damn guy knocked me up again. Unplanned.”

 

“Congratulations?” Annie offers, laughing. I nod.

 

“Yeah, definitely. Three is fine with me. My new book did pretty well, so money isn’t too tight,” I add, “ _How To Live With Crazy People and Not Kill Them_.”

 

“Wait a sec,” Annie’s jaw drops in surprise, “You’re Penelope Black.”

 

“...yeah,” I shrug, laughing. “It’s somewhat  autobiographical.”

 

“I read _The Big Bang Theory,_ ” Annie cries, “That was one of the funniest, most adorable books ever. Are you saying that you’re Mia and Sheldon is Emmett?” (Note: We change the names of the people we’re talking about in books because if you don’t they can sue you…or something.)

 

“Yep,” I agree. “That’s all about us. And every word of it is true.”

 

“You really fell in the shower and dislocated your shoulder?” She asks excitedly.

 

“Yep. And yes,” I say, knowing where she’s going with this, “He grabbed my boob and held onto it for dear life. I think it was the first one he’d ever touched.”

 

“Oh my _God,_ ” Annie cries, “It makes so much sense. I haven’t started the new one yet, but I loved that book.”

 

“I’m glad. I never thought I’d ever be a writer. I wanted to be a famous actress…and then I got a part on a show and had a baby, and now I realize I don’t need to be famous. The only people I need to love me are these people here. And of course, my friends back home.” I notice Mary come into the room with a small person on her hip.

 

“She being good?” I ask, struggling to stand up and moving over to them, discreetly checking my daughter’s Pull-Up. Potty training is a bitch.

 

“She’s always good,” Mary coos, kissing her chubby cheek. “She’s our little princess.”

 

“Oh, and she knows it,” I add, winking at Annie, sitting down again.

 

“She’s beautiful,” Annie agrees, “She reminds me of Holly when she was a baby.”

 

“I not a baby,” Dianna insists as Mary puts her down, “I a big girl.”

 

“That’s right,” I laugh, holding my hand up for her to high five. “You a big girl. Silly.”

 

“You want Gramma to make you some lunch?” Mary asks her. Dianna nods.

 

“Cheerios.”

 

I meet Annie’s eyes and we both burst out laughing. Of course a two year old would pick Cheerios over an actual warm meal.

 

“How about grilled cheese and tomato soup?” Mary offers, chuckling. She seems to be taking MeeMaw’s death well. Of course, Mary has known for a while that this was coming since MeeMaw was almost a hundred.

 

“Okay!” Dianna agrees as I pick her up and put her into the high chair Mary has for these occasions.

 

 

The funeral is nice. It’s a short ceremony in Mary’s church with a few friends and family members. Mary and her brother and sister all speak briefly, recalling stories from their childhood. The ceremony is nearly over, when to my surprise, Sheldon rises from his seat beside me and walks up to the podium. Mary gestures to the pastor that this is fine, but I’m frozen in my seat. Sheldon doesn’t speak in front of groups. He doesn’t act impulsively. And he certainly doesn’t handle grief well. So, I have no idea what is going to come of this.

 

“Mom,” Shane whispers on the other side of me, “What’s Dad doing?”

 

“Don’t know,” I answer, gripping his small hand. “Just go with it.” I’m so glad Missy is holding Di at the moment. I look over and meet Annie’s kind eyes. She nods to me that she understands. I can’t help but feel a twinge of hope for them as I realize George’s hand is on hers and for the first time this entire trip, I feel a sliver of joy. I turn my attention back to Sheldon, who is standing at the podium, looking more grown up than I’ve seen in a while.

 

“I just need to…” He clears his throat, “…say something.” I watch him draw in a deep breath and wonder if I should go up there with him. He meets me eyes for guidance and I nod encouragingly, managing a small smile. This seems to help. “As many of you know…I wasn’t exactly the most outgoing child.” One of his cousins snorts, making George give the guy such a blazing glare it scares me. “I didn’t have many…well, _any_ friends. But, MeeMaw helped me to realize that my being so much smarter than, well, _everyone,_ was a good thing. She always supported me. She understood me, and if it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t be who I am today. I wouldn’t have a Nobel Prize. I probably wouldn’t even have a wife.” I swallow the Titanic sized lump in my throat.

 

“Mom, you’re crushing my hand,” Shane mutters.

 

“Oh, sorry, kid,” I let go of him.

 

“MeeMaw taught me that love is the most important thing in this world, and even though she’s gone, I’ll…still see her whenever I look into my children’s eyes. I owe everything I have to her, and I just…I thought I should say that,” His voice breaks slightly at the end and he looks unsure of himself, but I know in that moment that he’s going to be okay.

 

He returns to his seat and when the ceremony ends, I take his hand. “That was beautiful,” I assure him. He swallows, looking down at me.

 

“I’m sorry for being so cold,” He tells me as a tear falls from his eye. “I just…this has been something I’ve been dreading for my entire life.”

 

“I understand,” I nod, “I remember what it’s like to lose a grandmother. And I don’t blame you.” He looks relieved. “I love you.”

 

“I love you,” He echoes.

  
The wake lasts the entire afternoon and well into the evening. By the time the sun goes down, the kids are all sprawled out across the house, tired out from the exhaustion of playing themselves into a coma. I wander tiredly through the house, picking up what I can manage and grabbing dishes to take into the kitchen. Dr. Whack-A-Doodle steps in front of me, crossing his arms and looking _very_ stern.

 

“What are you doing?” He asks, raising one eyebrow.

 

“Um, I thought I’d use these plates as Frisbees,” I quip.

 

“Sarcasm?” He says, even though I know damn well he knows it’s sarcasm. It’s just a little game we play now.

 

“MmmHmm…” I reply.

 

“You shouldn’t be exerting yourself, Penny,” He admonishes, making me laugh.

 

“Sweetie, I have two months left. I’m still okay,” I assure him, starting toward the kitchen and hearing voices. I stop dead.

 

“Penny, what’s the matter? The baby?” He asks, and I shake my head, putting a finger to my lips, nodding to the kitchen.

 

“George and Annie,” I whisper, making him stare at me in blatant confusion.

 

“So?”

 

“Just hush up and listen!” I hiss, setting the plates on the stairs and pulling him roughly to stand beside me.

 

“…because it’s time for us to get our own place so you can go back to your life, George!” Annie is saying desperately.

 

“You don’t like living with me?”

 

“It’s _not_ that, George… I just…I feel bad. I feel like we’re taking advantage of you and I don’t want to be a burden—“

 

“I’ve _told_ you that’s not the case, Annie,” George insists, “I adore Holly and I’m—“ He stops, “And, of course, you.”

 

“Tell him the truth, Annie…” I murmur, making Sheldon look at me like I’ve gone off the deep end.

 

“We have to go!” Annie’s voice cracks, “It’s getting too hard for me – I mean, _us –“_

“Too hard?” George asks soothingly, “What do you mean?”

 

“The longer we stay, the harder it’s going to be for us to _leave…”_   She breaks, “George, you’re going to want to get married sometime. You can’t be dating with a ballet teacher and her sister around all the time. No woman is going to want that.”

 

“What if I don’t want another woman?” He challenges, all Texas accent.

 

“What are you talking about?” She asks, sniffing, “Are you saying you like guys? Because I am completely lost, George!”

 

“No, you infuriating woman,” He groans, “I’m saying I like _you!”_   They fall silent.

 

“Oh _Lord,”_   Sheldon sighs, “This is absurd.”

 

“Shut it, Shelly,” I growl, putting a hand over his mouth and getting a blazing glare. “I’m eavesdropping! You need to shut your trap!” I let go of his mouth.

 

“You’re crazy,” He whispers into my ear. “This is unhealthy.”

 

“Yeah, yeah…shhh,” I wave him off, turning back to my spying.

 

“Well, I mean I like you too,” Annie replies, obviously not catching his drift. “What does that have to do with you dating eventually?” George lets out a sound of frustration.

 

_“No!”_ He cries, and I chance a peak into the room. He sighs heavily, running a hand through his dark hair. “Damn it, Annie! I’m in _love_ with you. I have been since that day you and Holly showed up in my lobby.”

 

“What?” Annie responds, looking like he’s slapped her.

 

“ _Kiss her…”_ I breathe vehemently.

 

“Unhealthy…” Sheldon reminds me.

 

“I support your train habits,” I fire back.

 

“If you don’t feel the same way, that’s fine,” George continues, “But I just thought you should know that there’s no damned way I’m going to let you two leave without a fight if there’s even a chance you do. I love Holly too. It’s the only thing I’ve ever really wanted.”

 

“I love you too,” She finally sobs and the room falls silent. That’s when Sheldon practically drags me up the stairs away from it.

 

“What are you doing?” I ask, “What about the plates?”

 

“Someone will grab them,” He counters.

 

“The kids?” I go on.

 

“Asleep.” He pulls me into the bedroom we’re sharing here.

 

“But…George and Annie…”

 

“Will be fine,” Sheldon points out. “Come on, let’s go to bed. I’ll make it worth your while.”

 

“I remember the last time you made it worth my while in this bed…” I laugh, shutting the door behind us, “After your sister’s engagement party…remember?”

 

“Penny, I have an eidetic memory. I remember the first words we said to each other thirteen years ago. I remember the clothes we were wearing. Yes, I remember,” Sheldon responds, making me roll my eyes.

 

“What was I wearing?” I laugh, “Because I don’t even remember what I was wearing the day we met.”

 

“A blue cap sleeved T-Shirt and a pair of cut off denim shorts. You were wearing a pair of Ugg boots. I remember, because I thought it was impractical that you were wearing winter boots in the summer.” He unbuttons his shirt, neatly placing his tie on the dresser. I feel a twinge of excitement, because yes, I’m still a crazy lunatic that scams on my husband every chance I get. I remove my dress, wistfully patting my extremely round stomach and recalling that the day we met, I’d been a size three. If I squint, I can see that ship sailing away very quickly. But I’m okay with that. These little Cooper monsters are worth it.

 

When we’re done and lying together, I listen to the beat of his heart and the sounds of the sleeping house. I feel more comfortable than I’ve been in weeks. My back isn’t bugging me and I’m completely satisfied. My kids are taken care of.

 

As if on cue, the unborn Cooper begins frantically moving. I swear, he or she can tell when I am thinking about him or her. I sigh, knowing that sleep is not going to happen soon. Damn kid is nocturnal.

 

“He’s active tonight,” Sheldon’s tired voice comes as he pats the spot where the baby is kicking.

 

“Tell me about it,” I mutter, opening my eyes. “Wait…he?” I look up and notice the slightly guilty expression on Sheldon’s face. My eyes narrow on him. “What did you do?”

 

“I may have called your gynecologist and _possibly_ convinced her to tell me—“

 

“ _Sheldon!”_   I whack him on the arm making him squeal like a little girl. “You _promised!”_

 

“You know I hate surprises,” He says as if that’s an acceptable solution. I can’t help it, I laugh.

 

 

 


End file.
